Dementia Support Group
Dementia is the progressive decline in cognitive function due to damage or disease in the brain beyond what might be expected from normal aging. Particularly affected areas may be memory, attention, language and problem solving, although particularly in the later stages of the condition, affected persons may be disoriented in time, place and person (not knowing who they...
Went to my father's house today and found he didn't have food. I asked for his grocery list to purchase food for him. No. He didn't want to do it. Said to stay out of his business and physically grabbed me.
I called his psychologist and told him what happened. Had to leave a message as he was out of the office. I did tell my father that this is what would happen if he didn't want food. At any rate, I came back into the house and was told to get out.
So now I'm out. I called his psychologist back and left another message, telling him I'd been thrown out.
Then later in the evening, my father called and told me he was going to kill me.
Thing is if I didn't call the psychologist, and he didn't have food, then he couldn't eat. Then the state comes in and arrest me because I left him there without food and live with the fact that my father didn't have anything to eat and suffered.
But I called, so now he's plotting my murder, and saying that I grabbed him. Where does it all end?
I called his psychologist and told him what happened. Had to leave a message as he was out of the office. I did tell my father that this is what would happen if he didn't want food. At any rate, I came back into the house and was told to get out.
So now I'm out. I called his psychologist back and left another message, telling him I'd been thrown out.
Then later in the evening, my father called and told me he was going to kill me.
Thing is if I didn't call the psychologist, and he didn't have food, then he couldn't eat. Then the state comes in and arrest me because I left him there without food and live with the fact that my father didn't have anything to eat and suffered.
But I called, so now he's plotting my murder, and saying that I grabbed him. Where does it all end?
This shouldn't be in your lap and I seriously doubt that anyone is going to come and arrest you for your father's psychological impairment. He's obviously a danger to you and you can't be expected to return and attempt any type of physical altercation. There comes a point when there's only so much a person can do; after that, the proper authorities need to be notified.
I wish you all the best though, it's so tough to have to go through this.
PD
I know it's hard having to commit to resorting to that, but what else are you going to do when you know he's not taking care of himself and he's making independent decisions to will harm unto you? The only other option I can think of is contacting the Department of Aging, but they'll try to do the same thing that your father's psychologist is doing now. Last resorts are sometimes the best resorts. You're not making him a criminal. You're making him go to a place where he can be helped.
There are machines that record phone conversations. Get one of those.
Threats to murder anyone put him at risk of actually killing someone and ending up in jail. He belongs in a secure facility but NOT jail.
You have to call the police because if he makes threats to you, that indicates he is thinking about doing it.
You called about food so you would not be liable. What happens with you when they find out that you knew he was threatening to murder anyone and failed to take measures to prevent him being able to do that? Are you partially liable for that because you failed to notify authorities?
My heart goes out to you. I too was having issues with my mom. My brother gave me sound advice: call the ambulance, let the hospital take care of her and when it is time to send her home tell them she is not capable of caring for herself and you are not able to either.
It turned out fine. She is in a good place and I am no longer a worn down caregiver.
If you dad is not eating properly and perhaps not taking meds properly that could contribute to his irrational behavior. He needs healthcare not jail! Please consider calling the ambulance.
As of Monday I have heard nothing from the psychologist. Possible my father has taken me off the list for being able to talk to his doctors.
My father is a great actor. Always has been. He can convince others that he is normal for long stretches of time. Already he has called to have food ordered to his home. This is so that he has a paper trail that food is being brought to his home. He even had a friend drop off some cooked food. He is covering for himself.
I used to tape him but stopped when I discovered that it is illegal in the state of Illinois. Calling the cops won't work anyhow as he has made friends with the cops during his normal periods. He has already told me that I was the aggressor in the last argument, meaning that he will tell the cops that I was the one that grabbed him.
My hands are so tied on this one. Looks like I've got to wait for things to take a turn for the worst. I'm starting to think he will not kill me as he will be alone and have no one to torture. That will be a first in his life.
My hubby can pass the same old tests they've been giving him for years yet at home, he yells at the dog not to look at him because its not the dog's turn to look. They push meds & no follow up. I was told when he acts out to call the police. Well a neighbor called one night & instead of help he was arrested for domestic abuse. How is this fair to him? he didn't touch me, he was yelling. I called his psych & she said well thats what you should do if your afraid.???? So I spent a month getting him off the charges. That's no way for him to be treated.
VA has no continuity of care.
At any rate, I was able to solve my problem with my dad and am getting along fine with him. Here's what I did. The VA psychologist finally called me back and said he could do nothing. I then called social services but did not receive a reply back at first. Then several days later they called me and I told them what was going on. They said they couldn't force him to get help or protect me in any way, but suggested I take a step back and if he falls to call them.
I did that. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done. Long story short, it scared my father. I'm the only one that cares about him, the only one who has offered to help. What I started doing was going over, getting food for him, then going back home. No conversation at all. I let him handle all of his business. After three weeks of this he felt overwhelmed. His problem meant reading and understanding bills and other people nearly impossible. He realized he needed me. He called me and told me this and I made it clear that any time he didn't want me to help to let me know and I would step away. And that's what made the difference.
So, if he'd ended up sleeping in his car in the dead of winter because he forgot to pay the electric bill, I would have called social services who were just waiting to head over there.
I had a feeling it wouldn't come to that and it didn't. At the end of the day he felt like I would never leave him. Once he saw that I had he changed completely. What's the old saying, you don't know what you've got till it's gone.