Dementia Support Group
Dementia is the progressive decline in cognitive function due to damage or disease in the brain beyond what might be expected from normal aging. Particularly affected areas may be memory, attention, language and problem solving, although particularly in the later stages of the condition, affected persons may be disoriented in time, place and person (not knowing who they...
Mom has mental illness & dementia. She has been isolating herself within her apartment at the fancy retirement community, having her dinners delivered to her. She is very paranoid about what the other residents think of her. She is hyperaware of her looks and has been sensitive about aging issues. She goes to get her mail from the lobby at midnight. She doesn't want to be seen with one of her aides.
It doesn't help that the others in the retirement community whisper behind their hands (like little children) when they do see her... because Mom has deteriorated. Her balance is not as good as it used to be, she suffers from heightened anxiety & depression, too. She is anti-social.
I want to take out of her darkened little apartment (she is afraid to have lights on because people can "see her") and take her to the fancy brunch offered in their dining room for Mother's Day. Mom's continued isolation has caused her to withdraw and act even more obsessive. I think the outing will do her good. So she sees that people don't bite. (I thought I'd see about us getting a table for 2, so we don't have to social with other residents... it's communal dining, where people often share tables.)
She comes up with many excuses ("I have nothing to wear. I don't look good and everyone will look at me...") and keeps suggesting I spend the day in her little apartment, having the food delivered. Where Mom's obsessive craziness and acting out drives me up the wall.
In public, she tends to behave in a more controlled fashion. I told her I'd help her put together an outfit, we can get "dolled up" and enjoy an outting together. At which point Mom whispered conspiratorially: "That means we're going to have to behave. We can't lick our fingers in public."
I chucked inside and said, "No, Mom. We're going to have to behave. You're right; we can't lick our fingers in public." (I just hope she doesn't spit in her food repeatedly, or ask the waiter to continually heat her salad for her.)
Am I crazy for wanting to break Mom out of her isolation & not enable her? My sisters take her out occasionally (including going to a restaurant), but Mom won't let me take her out anywhere (she'd rather stay at home and act up & try to get a rise out of me). I feel badly, knowing it's out of her comfort zone. It is Mother's Day, after all, and I feel it should be up to her, what she wants to do.
But I can tell you: every day is Mother's Day for her. Catering to her needs & wants. If we have dinner at her place, I will go running from the building before we get to dessert.
I don't know if this is typical of dementia or not (maybe more in line with her MH issues). Do you have a similar dilemma? Or suggestion? This isolation thing has been ongoing for years. But it's getting increasingly magnified with dementia onboard.
Thanks.
It doesn't help that the others in the retirement community whisper behind their hands (like little children) when they do see her... because Mom has deteriorated. Her balance is not as good as it used to be, she suffers from heightened anxiety & depression, too. She is anti-social.
I want to take out of her darkened little apartment (she is afraid to have lights on because people can "see her") and take her to the fancy brunch offered in their dining room for Mother's Day. Mom's continued isolation has caused her to withdraw and act even more obsessive. I think the outing will do her good. So she sees that people don't bite. (I thought I'd see about us getting a table for 2, so we don't have to social with other residents... it's communal dining, where people often share tables.)
She comes up with many excuses ("I have nothing to wear. I don't look good and everyone will look at me...") and keeps suggesting I spend the day in her little apartment, having the food delivered. Where Mom's obsessive craziness and acting out drives me up the wall.
In public, she tends to behave in a more controlled fashion. I told her I'd help her put together an outfit, we can get "dolled up" and enjoy an outting together. At which point Mom whispered conspiratorially: "That means we're going to have to behave. We can't lick our fingers in public."
I chucked inside and said, "No, Mom. We're going to have to behave. You're right; we can't lick our fingers in public." (I just hope she doesn't spit in her food repeatedly, or ask the waiter to continually heat her salad for her.)
Am I crazy for wanting to break Mom out of her isolation & not enable her? My sisters take her out occasionally (including going to a restaurant), but Mom won't let me take her out anywhere (she'd rather stay at home and act up & try to get a rise out of me). I feel badly, knowing it's out of her comfort zone. It is Mother's Day, after all, and I feel it should be up to her, what she wants to do.
But I can tell you: every day is Mother's Day for her. Catering to her needs & wants. If we have dinner at her place, I will go running from the building before we get to dessert.
I don't know if this is typical of dementia or not (maybe more in line with her MH issues). Do you have a similar dilemma? Or suggestion? This isolation thing has been ongoing for years. But it's getting increasingly magnified with dementia onboard.
Thanks.
I'm tired of the power-struggles with her and that's what this becomes.... I'm just surrendering my agenda and let her decide what is her comfort zone. If we hang out in her apartment and she starts with the crazy (and believe me, she will start with the crazy at some point), then I will have to end my visit much sooner.
Sigh.
Mother's day came and went, I simply went out as mom gets confused on holidays. I chose not to confuse her, gave her a card and went to a BBQ for the day. she was happy with that and wrote a reply on the card I gave her saying she wishes she could take care of me again and will one day. My mom hasn't gone out in about a year now and is getting more and more anxious as the days pass. I will be taking her to the bank sometime next week, I hope.
I survived Mother's Day with Mom. I pre-made dinner and brought it to her (it would cause too much anxiety for her, if I began to make it there). She was her crazy self, but I tried to just be with it and answer every question (she doesn't stop) in short "yes/no" type responses. By the end of my visit, I had enough. I don't know how the aides do it. What a gift of patience they must have!