You sound just like me several months ago. I had to step back and ask myself a lot of tough questions. What is best for everone is sometimes impossible. I think you need to break this down and figure out what provides the best "quality" of life for your parents and yourself.

There are care providers that can come in home and some families are very successful with this, but is their home set up to provide care in? Is it safe, all one level, easy to secure, etc. It is sometimes difficult to find care providers that are willing to do this long term and it can be a very expensive proposition. But, there are ways to do this and others have been very successful. This is a whole new set of challenges as now you manage a set of care providers on top of other things.

This is a tough thing to go through and my heart is with you, I'll send you a message with a few more ideas and hopefully others might be able to share their experiences too.

My Mom is currently in the hospital, 92, dementia, can no longer move her left arm, has what maybe a deep seated ulcer in her heel, etc. The doctor thinks she has a torn rotar cuff, she is not a candidate for therapy or surgery, was dehydrated when she arrived at hospital, getting harder to get her to eat, etc. The doctor strongly recommends a nursing home both for her sake and mine. However, her grandson is 22 is pitching a fit about me putting her in a NH but he has not been here to do much to help me. Both of her sons and mine think I have done all I can and that I should put her in the NH. I don't want to do so but I know I can no longer care for her without hurting her when I have to move her and I am having a lot of back problems as well. This is a hard decision but I think I am left with very little choice.

Nursing Homes are so hard to face as a decision. If it helps either of you, I can tell you while I still cry over having to move my Dad into one, I know our time together is so much more positive for him and me too. I can spend time caring for his emotional needs, comforting him, reminicing and reminding him that he is loved.

They help with the things he needs assistance with that became too much to complete and still have quality time to spend with him.

It's tough, it breaks your heart, but it can be a lifesaver in some ways. Medicine can be monitored, they can wake at night and have a fresh caregiver as opposed to one that is sleep deprived, they are clean and have a regular routine which can be very soothing.

I wish you both luck with this tough transition, but I know you are both strong and full of love and will make this as easy as possible on your loved ones and still be there for them.

I am not in your shoes, this is not advice but a view from a person that has alzheimers. I am not the same person as I was a short time ago. I am slowly moving along the path of this nasty disease. I have already made it know to those who want what is best the them and me as I have more difficulties in taking care of me. I DO NOT want to be a problem and make those people's lives as stressful and unpleasant as I have read what people have put themselves thru trying to take care of a person that is the same person to them in physical appearance but their brain is no longer working as it was a short time ago. I will not be ME as they used to know me. I will not know some of them, I will be compombative at time, take over every waking minute of their time as they continue to work, take care of their own families and have some time for theirselves. I LOVE them all enought for them to put me in a NH when it is time. I have made that very clear while I still able to state what I want when I no longer can care for myself. No matter how much I complain and act out my disease, I have let them know to do this. I love them all enough to not make decisions based on what it used to be but what it is today at that time. They or I cannot hang onto the past and what price do I want them to pay to take care of me?? The smallest price as possible. They all have families and lives they will continue to live after I am gone and I do not want any of their lives to be so stressed out and have some very bad memories of my last days because I lived with them when I did not even know I was there. It just does not make any since to me at all. These are just my feelings as a person that has AD, not advice at all. My heart does go out to you. God Bless Phil, Flops and Flossie

I understand what you are going through. I'm not there yet but even so, some people are already asking me, "What are you going to do with him?" like he is an object that can be disposed of.

I think you have to follow your heart.

Flops & Flossie - I agree with you and have already told my son that if and when the time comes, not to ever try to do what I am doing, and do put me in the nursing home, this could be something that will happen to me as well and I would never ever ask my son to promise me no nursing home. All that I do ask is that he make sure my cats and dogs are taken care of.

later

Dottie

I am in your shoes. My mom is living with me. She is 86 and has Dementia. Some days are good, others are terrible as far as her memory and comprehension. She is getting worse and cannot live alone. I must work full time and am coming to a point where I will need a live in. I am far from wealthy. Average NH's are 3K-4K per month. Yes, you can apply for Medicaid but in some states Medicaid will pay for an aid to keep the person out of a NH. It is often cheaper keeping the person at home. Check all the state aid available to him.

My heart goes out to you.
Lisa