My Dad is 86 and lives with me. He can get very argumentative and although he doesn't seem to be violent or strike out physically, he can have a very hard time sitting still for any length of time and will get up and fall. On top of memory/dementia issues he can't hear very well (and won't wear hearing aids regularly) can't see very well (glaucoma, cataracts and macular degeneration, ).He has episodes when he hallucinates and sees wires which he bends over to try to pick up - and then falls.

He's always been a pretty laid back guy but the dementia makes him extremely restless, nervous and anxious most of the time. He's always saying he needs to be doing some thing or another but his lack of mobility and inability to see or hear makes doing almost anything difficult and dangerous.

I've tried to avoid anti-psychotics because of the side effects connected with dementia (like congestive heart failure). We had my mom on Risperidone (before I understood the risks) and so I know they can be very effective - but she actually did develop side effects.

I started by asking his doctor for Xanax to control the restlessness (.5 mg tablets) which helped for a while but I started having to increase the dosage. After trying several newer anti-depressants I found (on Google) Trazadone which is a hypnotic anti-depressant and has really helped a lot and allowed me to lower the Xanax dosage. Recently, I've added Klonopin to the mix most days. The advantage of Klonipin is that is lasts longer and doesn't send him to bed in the middle of the day like the Xanax can do.

So, he's on about 1.5 mg Xanax (at night), .5 -1 mg Klonipin (most days) and 150 mg Trazadone (50 mg 3 times a day). At these dosages, he sleeps about 10 hours a day, takes 2-3 walks around our cul-de-sac (with me) and usually bathes himself (unless the hallucination episodes get severe and I have to increase the Klonopin dosages).

It's taken almost a year to get this sorted out and I still (on some difficult days) think maybe I should just go for the Risperidone or Haldol (anti-psychotics) which are easier to regulate, don't build up tolerances, and might work more reliably.

I hope this helps you.

Thanks for your reply. My brother who has Huntington's Disease takes all of the drugs you mentioned except Haldol, which has now is not supposed to be used for HD patients. Dad so far is just on Risperadol and I think Xantax. Eitther the dosage is too low or it might not work for him. I hope the physiciatrist can find something that works. Dad is not violent but he gets very angry and shouts and refuses to do anything they want him to do. He also becomes very restless and cannot sleep. He falls almost daily now.

My mom is going through the same thing. They have tried Atavan, Xanax, Melatonin, and even Oxycodone to try to calm her but nothing is working. She is just starting to throw things and screams at the top of her lungs for someone to help her even though they are right there. She will settle for a bit if someone sits and speaks to her. We got her some movies that she likes, and bring her her favorite cookies and that seems to distract her for a bit. We are trying to get the psychiatrist in to see her soon. They tell us that he can test to see if the dementia is a physical problem,drug related, or mental, and may have some new ideas to calm her. They discovered last week that it got worse when she tested positive for a urinary tract infection. Just throwing some ideas out there - I am deperate as well.

Yes - My dad got worse when he had a UTI also and I was told that's typical. I am also hoping Behavioural Health will help but it's 5 weeks before his appointment.

I know how discouraging it is to try and find something that works. I guess I'm lucky to have some flexibility to give dad what he seems to need as things come up.

There was one night when I was helping him get ready for bed when he suddenly complained that he didn't want to stay at "this restaurant" and wanted to "go home"! It took my by complete surprise. He had been very confused for several hours earlier but I wasn't prepared for the level of argumentativeness that erupted at bedtime. I had to get my sister on the phone to try and help talk him down while the 1.5 mg of Xanax I'd given him took effect. After about 1/2 hour, he finally acquiesced and I could get him into bed. When he woke later that night to go to the bathroom, he was fine and the whole episode was forgotten.

I've discovered that if I notice that he's starting to become agitated, a smaller dose of medication will work, but if the situation escalates, the longer I wait, the more I have to give him. I've definitely given up on thinking that it might go away on it's own.

For Dad, the Trazadone has been the crucial baseline that helps keep him on somewhat of an even keel. Also, I do have Dad on 1000 mg of Vitamin C, as well as B & E supplements that, IMHO has helped him to avoid the Urinary Tract issue.

I got the bad news today that Dad's insurance coverage for the home will end and he will need to private pay beginning Thursday. I really want him in a memory care facility and called both of the ones where he's on a waiting list. One will not have an opening until October. He is either 1st or 2nd on the other wating list. They said that the one who is 1st on the list has turned them down every time an opeing came up because they are not ready yet. So, if there's an opening and they do that again, Dad would get the next bed. I had liked the staff at the other facility better, but if an opening comes up at the other one I will take it. I think he will be much happier in a memory care than in the nursing home. I'll have to check with them to see if I can give him C and E supplements to prevent UTI.

I wish that I could take care of him at my home but it's just not possible. I work full time, am raising my grandson, and am healthcare POA for my brother who hasHuntington's Disease. Even with some outside help it would just be too much. Last weekend we were out-of-town for a 7-on-7 football tournament, had summer league basketball games last night, tomorrow is my granddaughter's softball game, this weekend we're out-of-town for a basketball tournament, Dad has a 2-hour doctor's appointment with the memory clinic I need to attend, and I need to get my camper cleaned and stocked for our camping trip over the 4th of July. I only got to go camping twice last year and not at all yet this year. Three days this week I'm going straight from work to sporting events, don't get home until 8:30 at night, make some dinner, clean up and go to bed because I get up at 5:00 a.m. I need a haircut, a physical, and a dental checkup but haven''t had time. I can't neglect the rest of my family to exclusively take care of my dad. My grandson would tell me that it's fine if I miss his games but I know it would hurt him because deep down he cannot help but have some abandonment issues and I've always been there for him. A co-worker joked about the 'Sandwich Generation' but because I'm sandwiched between my grandson and father, she said I'm a "Double Decker Sandwich".

We are all limited human beings. I recommend you get some counseling on balancing your life a bit, even if you have to talk on the phone with the counselor. What are you telling yourself about "having to go" to every game. Sounds like your grandson is very understanding.
Abandonment is not an issue only resulting from someone not being there but mostly when one knows someone does not care about them at all. When they know that you totally love and value them, they won't feel abandoned emotionally.

My mother left my father with seven children, myself being four at the time. That was a separate issue from whether or not my father encouraged us to be involved in sports. In fact, he didn't. We lived 3 miles out of town on a farm. There was NO way he could even take each of us to be involved in ONE sport each. It was impossible to even think about it. Therefore, none of us were ever involved in any after school team sports and we children totally understood that Dad was doing his very best just keeping us together and fed. Children do have the capacity to understand. Hearing a No once in awhile is just reality.
When given with kind, empathy, it goes down fairly easily.
Best wishes,

Thanks, Skamper. I only have two more years - my grandson will be a junior. Sports are important because he has a very good chance of an athletic scholarship - a couple Division 1 universities have already expressed interest and his coach is confident he will get a scholarship. Having his college education paid for would be a great relief for me as I know I will be unable to help him pay for college because of my age. Also, I've sacrificed a lot for him to play sports - in both time and money and I want to see him play. I can't get these years back again and I don't want to miss his games - watching him grow and improve is the reward for all of the hard work he's put in and the help I've given him to get there. I am not the only parent who goes to every game - most of the other parents do also. And raising a grandchild makes it touchy for my other grandchild. Since he's living with me and I'm paying for everything for him I do not want my other grandchild to feel that I love her less or only have time for Tyler. Obviously I cannot afford to give her everything I've given him because I'm essentially his parent though technically his grandparent. The least I can do is give her some of my time and enjoy watching her grow up too. The years fly by and when they're grown up I know I'll be bored and hope to be on the road going to a few of Tyler's college games.