Daughters of Abusive Mothers Community Group

For those of us whose mothers were (or still are) abusive to us. In a society that puts mothers on a pedestal it can often be lonely dealing with the feelings of hurt, betrayal, anger, emptiness and grief of having an abusive mother. People with loving mothers often find it hard to believe or understand. Here is a safe place to express the feelings and find others with...

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Marti 04/12/2017

Hello. I decided to come on here because I really have no one else to talk to about the situation with my mother. I'm 23 years old, still live at home. To anyone looking in on the outside I have nothing to complain about. I was always given everything I needed and my mother was always nice to me in front of strangers. If I complain to friends about the situation at home they never take it seriously. My parents are separated and my father knows what kind of person my mother is, and now my stepfather is seeing it also but he can't really help me there. I always feel guilty. I feel guilty for not being grateful. But I'm really not grateful for being born. I know, no one chooses their parents, I certainly didn't choose mine. What hurts me is that my mother had a choice. And she chose to have me even though she never really wanted me. And what hurts even more is that she never even bothered to pretend to care for me even a little bit. The other day I asked her why she even had me, she said "it was the next step after marriage". I told her I don't plan to have children because they're not just a step to me and she laughed in my face. She's always been so proud of the fact that I don't love her, she would always brag in front of people "my daughter doesn't love me, my daughter respects me". But I don't respect her, I never have. I was always terrified of her, and I still am at 23 years old. And I feel like a failure, I can't even stand up to her. Today I asked if I could go out with friends at night and she yelled at me to get a job and that I'm not leaving the house in the middle of the night. What bothers me isn't that I have to miss out on a night out with friends, what bothers me is that the reason she says no to everything is because she doesn't want me to be happy. I know that sounds petty but it's true. I've recently come to the realization that she is a very unhappy woman. She's made a lot of mistakes in her life, and now she's unhappy and blames everyone else around her instead of learning and becoming stronger and better. To her life has to be difficult, if it isn't she makes it difficult herself. So whenever she sees me starting to become happy she makes it her mission to bring me down, even if it's just about trivial things like going out. I've realized that she doesn't understand emotions. She doesn't understand why I want to have friends or have contact with people. And when I don't have friends she says that it's because I have an awful personality. She sees me texting with people and tells me to stop bothering then because they don't want to talk to me. She simply cannot understand that maybe there is someone out there that cares for me. And I'm very grateful for the wonderful people in my life, but they have great mothers who love them very much. Meanwhile I have never heard my mother say she loves me. I told her she simply doesn't want me to be happy and she called me a liar and acted offended. There are so many things I want to tell her but I start crying like a little girl every time I try. I end up feeling like I'm 5 years old and give up. Plus I know she wouldn't understand what I'm trying to tell her. It all sounds like that typical "I hate my parents" phase. Except I don't hate her, we just don't click. I have no feeling towards her besides resentment for even having me. I do blame her for the terrible decisions she has made and I also blame myself for not standing up to her way sooner. I just hope I'm able to get away from her someday. I need financial stability and as soon as I have it I want to leave and never look bad. And that makes me sad. The fact that I started thinking about running away at 7 and then about suicide at 10 makes me really sad. I had every toy my friends wanted and I was unhappy so I felt guilty which made me feel worse. My heart aches to think that I've never been happy in 23 years and I'm wasting my youth away. I want to know that my mother wants the best for me. I want to know that my mother did all she did to make my life better. But I know that's not true. My biggest disappointment was when I was 8 and my parents told me I wasn't adopted like I had thought. I couldn't believe she was my real mother because I thought that no mother would be this mean to her real child. Now that I'm older i understand she doesn't have the obligation to love me just like I don't have the obligation to love her. I just wish we could've been civil to each other during all these years, the petty comments and the yelling and the screaming and the hitting weren't necessary. I've always been a good kid, I've never made trouble and I actually regret that. Maybe u should've rebelled years ago. Maybe now things would be better. It's just really difficult to live with someone so different from you. It's difficult to live with someone you don't want to see ever again. I just hope things get better someday and I pray that if I do ever have a child they don't think of me the same way I think of my mother. I pray to be a better person than her.

Thank you for reading this, I know it was quite long.

shadowrunner 04/13/2017

Hi Marty, I can relate to many of the things you say about your relationship with your mom - wondering why I was ever born, wondering if I was adopted because I didn't feel belonging. I never heard things like, "I love you" or "Great job!". Only criticism or being ignored. You needed a peaceful home, you needed emotional support, you needed a "mom" and really never had it. I'm going to be honest with you and say that in all likelihood, your mom won't ever be the mom that you need. While my relationship with my mom got a little better once I moved out of the house (less criticism), we remain distant, and my mother still mostly ignores my existence. I do want you to know that despite what your mom tells you, you have great potential to make friends, get a good job, and start a beautiful family of your own. Your future is in your hands. When I first moved out, it was hard because I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere. My friends taught me how to drive so I could get my license. I lived with my sister's family and another friend for two months while looking for work. The hardest part was finding a job - I was so insecure! I didn't know how to interview or even believe in myself. Through the unemployment office, I heard of an office specialist training program at the local community college. It was only 6 months long, and it gave me a ton of skills but mostly a lot of confidence to get a good job. At first, I could only afford a $200 room to rent in someone's home. Eventually I got a few roommates and we could afford an apartment together. One step at a time I gained my independence and started to grow into the mature adult I wanted to be. You can do it; you don't have to put up with the insults and abuse. You can move out and find peace in your life. I know how it feels, I've been there. I'm 35 now with a family of my own. I admit, it isn't easy. At times I still feel broken like I really don't know what I'm doing. I still wish I had a supportive mother; I still wish I had a better example to follow. I'm still learning. But you don't deserve to be treated that way, not by your mom, not by anyone.

Trissa01 05/09/2017

We all deserve to be nourished. Unfortunately, many moms are not able to offer that, because they are repeating what they learned. We have to try to break the cycle. We may help our daughters by talking about our own inadequacies, it's ok to say I'm not the mom I had hoped I'd be for you.
We have a choice to try to improve and leave a better legacy.

chemlady 08/31/2017

I could say all the same things shadowrunner did. This is not our fault. It's sad that we have to fill in those gaps for ourselves, but it's better than the alternative.
I was 13 when I first felt pure anger at my parents for concieving me. I did not ask to be here in this difficult life with no support from anyone. I completely understand how you feel there.
I'm now 41 years old. I too lost my youth. It's tough to accept, but I keep working on my current life and it is getting better as I find more quality people to include in my community. With a large physical distance from my mom and very little contact by phone, our relationship is reasonable. She still can't support me in any way and I don't risk hoping she'll love me, but it's civil. Keep taking good steps for yourself by taking good care of yourself and finding neuro-normal community for yourself. We will be here too.

MelissaH 10/21/2017

Well I was adopted and my mother recently confessed to trying to give me back to the agency that handled the adoption when I was a baby. She tried to give me back when I was 9. She imagined fake illnesses for my dogs and then puts them to sleep when I'm at work. I have a huge "religious" family who has shunned her and left me alone to deal with her craziness, and she threatened to kill me. She is so gone mentally that she actually believes that she can do it and the police won't question her. I could go on and on, but to respond to your problems, Marti, it takes time to find the right roommates and have enough money to move out, but don't make the same mistake I did. When I was just a little older than you, I did move out. My mother stalked me, found out where I lived, and laid a guilt trip on me because she was newly widowed and had no one else. Save your money. Price apartments, inns, even hostels. If you have a car, you can live in it. It's legal. Get the hell out as fast as you can!

soulwarrior 10/22/2017

I, too, know what it's like to have a problematic mother and I sympathize. Mines' a narcissist, has a victim/martyr complex, is an emotional eater, and thinks she can talk directly to God.
She is jealous and envious of me, of my grandmother, and of my relationship with my grandmother(dads' mom). She, also, was in competition with my grandmother when I was a child and now, that I'm an adult, she considers herself to be in competition with me instead.
She plays favorites, pits my siblings and I against each other, is very controlling towards me, and has chosen her mother and adoptive daughter over me.
In addition to ALL of this there are two other things as well. First, she denies my childhood. Second, she has run a smear campaign on me since I was a child. Now, since I've been an adult she has added projection and the # of people she spreads it too.
These are just a few of the many things my mother has done to me since I was a child. Thankfully, due to a family members' recent intervention things have improved. A person can't always live on their own due to health conditions if this is you than you need to find someone else to live with. If you can't find someone else to live with and your stuck for right now than minimize your contact with her as much as possible. Example: stay in your room more or,if there are two living rooms, stay in the one she doesn't frequent. If this isn't you and you don't have any health conditions holding you back than you need to do as the other person who posted said.

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