Relationships are hard for many
Of us Codependents. We are
Fearful of abandonment and
we don’t rock the boat. We often
Stuff down our feelings, Emotions
and thoughts to keep the peace.

I personally would embrace your
recovery And do whatever works
Best for you. Its a tough balancing
Act.

In reality No one can tell you what
to do About your marriage.

Try to self Focus more and use healthy
Boundaries.

I found it hard to change our Dance
after so many years Even after being
In recovery. You are Suppose to change
the dance with your partner. Thats the
Hope and prayer. Many wait until its
Too late in the game. I know we did
And he was checked out.

Use I words with him i want, I think,
i feel, i need. Do not use You statements
thats giving your Power away. You made
Me, you think so and so.

I was a total marshmellow with my ex
And i became a doormat. Our relationship
Became codependent and unhealthy.
HUGS

Having never been married I don't know what the partner part of marriage is. What did come to my mind was forgiveness. This took me nearly 40 years...two alcoholic parents...I began to see their 'humanness' and better understood that they could not give to me what I needed because they just didn't know how...never taught? never learned? really doesn't make much difference.

When I write "forgiveness" this is not about forgetting what happened, rather for me, forgiveness was to let go of the emotional conflict/crazy making in my life. Forgiving gave me the ability to let go of 'them controlling me' emotionally...that I would 'feel physically' as well as mentally.

With my son, I held on to anger with his father not being in his life...this took me 12 years to let go of...I accepted what I could not change, he wasn't capable/had fear/ or just didn't want to make an effort because he didn't live in the same state and was married. I would have the same feeling when ever I had to deal with him...emotional reaction in my stomach and huge anxiety...no more, we are friends...Sadly his son will have nothing to do with him..,he is angry.

What I've learned, with my birth family(they are all passed now) and with John....no one can give me what I want or need unless I ask. They can not understand how I feel unless I tell them.

I do take the time to tell my husband what I want in terms of affection and attention. His usual reply is that I want too much. I don't think it's too much. He didn't think that the amount of time we used to spend together was too much, but now he wants to do other things that don't involve me. I have requested and suggested things we could do together many times and he shoots down my suggestions.

I have wrapped up too much of my identity in whether or not he is being positive towards me. If he is being affectionate, then I'm having a good day. If he's not, then I'm not. I didn't have a good sense of self before we met and I haven't developed one since.

You are not alone. Thats what recovery
Is all about finding ourselves and learning
How to self love and accept ourselves. Its
Not a simple process. Its baby steps and
Retraining and reprogramming ourselves
Which is deep and hard to do. There are
So many layers of why we do what we do.

We learned how to be us as a child and
Carried it forward. I was the perfect wife
Took care of everything he just had to
Go to work and i became a doormat. He
Was the important one and taken care
Of one not me. He got bored with me
And I lost myself in the marriage. I did
Not rock the boat to keep us together.

Eventually it was an emotional intimacy
Issue that was where we drifted apart
very Slowly. There were things at the
Beginning that i should not have put
Up with him. He is pretty black And
white. There was a line in the sand.

Being alone is ideal in recovery. Trying
To work around someone else and find
Yourself is not simple. Nobody suggest
You leave just starting recovery groups
is a good beginning, IMHO. HUGS

I can relate to what you say about needing validation from other people. Sometimes we need attention also. The only way I know to make myself change is to make myself change. Take a small step, set a small goal. Today I will do blank by myself and for myself. Go to a movie, go for a walk outside by yourself. Build tolerance to be alone and in charge of you. My spouse and I currently both are unemployed and today he is out of the house and it feels so good. I know he likes it when I am out of the house also. Time apart is good for couples. It builds an interesting mind and something to talk about. How about being affectionate towards yourself? When we are totally focused on getting from another person because we don't have it inside, well in my life this has attracted abusers and much unhappiness. I like giving to myself at this point and maybe if you see that giving to yourself is a win, you will change how you think.

Mirandadc, sounds like your marriage was just like my first marriage. I was the same and did the same.

I was alone for a little while following my first marriage, but I feel I would be better off now getting my footing even while in a relationship. I feel if we don't at least try to have relationships it's like reading and studying for having a baby before you actually have the baby and saying what a great parent you're going to be when you've never actually parented. You don't know what it's like to be a good partner in a relationship and NOT lose your sense of self until you are actually in the relationship doing it.

Urbangardener, that is ultimately what brought myself out of my funk on Saturday. I made a plan for myself and stuck to it. We spent some time together in the evening and it was nice.

I have resolved not to do it again this weekend. I am going to make a plan for myself and stick to it. I'll plan some time for him and I to do something together too, but I won't be waiting around for him to get to me.

Being in a relationship when you
Are healthy enough is the ideal
For someone like me.

It is a learning curve on how to
Be in a healthy mutual one. Its
Actually good practice when in
Recovery to do so.

I am still not ready and not so sure
My picker is still not broken. I am
Still healing and thats okay, HUGS

I know it’s really hard to be codependent and be in a relationship. I did much of my recovery alone until I met my current partner. No human is perfect and sometimes people don’t behave as we want due to moods, tiredness etc... but as codependents, we need to be watchful of still holding basic boundaries and respect levels. I think if you keep journaling a lot of answers will come to you. Xx

Hi, thegobetween

I have been trying to focus on keeping my view of my personal life and my relationship in the perspective of self. I keep asking myself these questions daily: Are you assuming? Are you trying to affect others with your actions rather than focus on how you can change yourself? Are you asking for your needs to be met?

These have helped me to keep my boundaries.