Having let go of my son's life...telling him who/what/where/when etc...I've now found myself wondering what the heck to do. Since our first get together a couple of weeks ago I've been tempted to call him to come over....I stopped. My hope is he'll call when he 'wants' to come over...maybe later I'll start to call him again.

With the fear being broken down and pushed past, I've now joined a book club, meditation group, and will get a referal to a physical therapist for a work out routine and join my local swimming pool that also has many different types of exercise equipment. At my senior center I have a reiki, massage and reflexology treatment once a month. I'm doing better with wanting and actually leaving my house each day.

I still have the breathing tears, yet I'm coming to believe they will just happen until I don't need them anymore...not sure when that will be as loss of my family on top of recent losses seem to piggy back one another. Acceptance of John and letting go of him, as well as my former life as a Mother, and trying to give myself self-care and self focus is a really New Concept. One of the Huge changes which has helped is to isolate less, it's another Hard push, I'm trying to leave my house Every Day even if it's only for an hour. I actually went out and ate two meals in a resturant alone~treated myself to pizza :)

Slowly I've been making progress in my two horrid rooms upstairs cleaning out and now have a small sitting room and the other room will be a storage sewing room... something that was really hard was I threw away my Mom's knitting bag...I tried using it and it didn't work...my Mom passed in 1994, was a great knitter...the bag was very worn and I just said I don't need it, and not using it, nor could anyone else...so I let go. I am quite please with the outcome of the rooms, still much cleaning and I'd also like to paint both rooms. I've also started to work on legal stuff so my son won't have to make decisions...medical directive at the moment in progress.

I'm waiting with bated breath for spring and warmer weather with my garden plans for veggies, and the two huge flower gardens in my front and back yard to tend...they take a lot of my energy and time...the past couple of days have been quite warm...50ish and I was outside cleaning up for a couple of hours...getting my hands in the dirt, despite being cold felt good.

Baby steps, it's ok to fall down, make mistakes and start again...over and over. I hope to see my son this weekend and will continue to work the program of easy does it, one day at a time...or minute...to avoid conflict, opionions, or advice unless asked...not easy! A slow process over the last month and a half, of starts and stops~~