Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Before you start reading, I'd just like to warn you that there is some strong language in this post.
I hate this codependency thing. I've tried so many things. Learning about it is great as I can now consciously recognise blame, manipulation and guilt, etc. So now I don't get manipulated into doing things that I don't want or apologising for speaking up for myself. But I'm still unable to leave her. Oh, fuck it! Why? I think I'm just too scared of being alone. And also, I think I unconsciously hold myself responsible for her emotional well-being. Fuck it I hate it so much! I hate HER so much! I just want to quit. But I can't.
I hate my life, I'm literally depressed, I hater her. I'm sorry, I can't say anything else as all I have on my mind is I hate! I hate! I hate!
I know it's all my fault as I keep choosing to stay with her, but the fuck can't I just leave? I've been seeing a therapist for half a year but I can't really say it's helped so far. I just wan't to quit. Oh, my God, please help me!
I don't want to do this any more! I'm physically ill now. fuckfuckfuckfuck!
The two good things that happened nowadays is that I've found a new hobby I quite love and I started reconnecting to my friends and making new ones. It's soooo good to have friends. Oh, my God, thank you for them! It's so good. Now I have someone to run to.
Because I feel like I have to run and hide from this crazy bitch. She drives me crazy. I hate being at home. Anywhere is better. Oh, shit, it feels so good to write all this down. Sorry about the language again.
Aw, the other thing, my mother. I hate her too. She thinks I'm still her little son. Fuck you, mom! Fuck it! that's it for today.
I'm sorry I couldn't really say anything but fuck and hate :D
I think it's temporary.
Good day!
I hate this codependency thing. I've tried so many things. Learning about it is great as I can now consciously recognise blame, manipulation and guilt, etc. So now I don't get manipulated into doing things that I don't want or apologising for speaking up for myself. But I'm still unable to leave her. Oh, fuck it! Why? I think I'm just too scared of being alone. And also, I think I unconsciously hold myself responsible for her emotional well-being. Fuck it I hate it so much! I hate HER so much! I just want to quit. But I can't.
I hate my life, I'm literally depressed, I hater her. I'm sorry, I can't say anything else as all I have on my mind is I hate! I hate! I hate!
I know it's all my fault as I keep choosing to stay with her, but the fuck can't I just leave? I've been seeing a therapist for half a year but I can't really say it's helped so far. I just wan't to quit. Oh, my God, please help me!
I don't want to do this any more! I'm physically ill now. fuckfuckfuckfuck!
The two good things that happened nowadays is that I've found a new hobby I quite love and I started reconnecting to my friends and making new ones. It's soooo good to have friends. Oh, my God, thank you for them! It's so good. Now I have someone to run to.
Because I feel like I have to run and hide from this crazy bitch. She drives me crazy. I hate being at home. Anywhere is better. Oh, shit, it feels so good to write all this down. Sorry about the language again.
Aw, the other thing, my mother. I hate her too. She thinks I'm still her little son. Fuck you, mom! Fuck it! that's it for today.
I'm sorry I couldn't really say anything but fuck and hate :D
I think it's temporary.
Good day!
I am willing to bet you are stuck mentally b/c you need to explore the women in your life- the romantic one and the mom one b/c they are totally connected.
You are living with Mommie...
Think about it.
I think I fear of being alone, I fear of causing her pain and I kind of enjoy this torture as this is how my mother always acted towards me so this is what I subconsciously associate with love. And as DeliAnnem said, she's like my mom now. All subconsciously of course. This is my therapist's opinion and I agree with it as I've learnt everything about it, set up boundaries, etc. But conscious work hasn't helped so far.
Also, she's a narcissist, just like my mother, so no wonder I'm struggling.
You are the one who needs to stand up for your self and you are not doing that - you are the one who needs to put your own foot down and you are not doing that - and so the entire mess is your own fault.
The Therapist can not do it for you, and your wife (or GF) is not going to do it for you, and your Mom is not going to do it, and doing some hobby is a waste of time, and friends are not going to help the problem, as it is totally up to your self.
I am certain that you already know exactly what you your self needs to do, so nobody else can tell you whatever to do.
You blame (or hate) your wife (or GF) and blame your Mom (or F mom) and you call for God but even God can not do what you your self refuse to do.
All you really have to do is make up your own mind and then make your own decision and then you DO IT and then you live with it.
We call that to be a personal boundary:
http://www.healthyplace.com/relationships/serendipity/boundaries/
Nobody else is going to do anything to help you as this is your own problem and it is your own life, so if you do not take control of your self then it will NEVER get done and you will go crazy.
This is just my own belief based on my own experience and knowledge, so you do as you chose for your self.
Peace.
I did leave again - this is the 4th time, and I think maybe the last time. I'm working so hard on staying away.
I left after a really bad night when he came very close to hitting me. Something inside me became physically afraid of him. I had to go.
Still, it's hard. Still I miss the good times, still I feel responsible for him and his mental health. I wonder if he will drink so much that he kills himself or he will become suicidal or he will get another DUI. All this because I am not there to keep him safe.
BUT It's not our job to keep them safe! And they aren't ever even okay when we are there with them.
It's our job to keep ourselves safe.
Codependency doesn't just go away, anymore than alcoholism or drug addiction goes away. It's an ongoing process.
You cannot change her. You cannot help her. You can change you. You can help you.
Take care
Sounds like you're at the jumping off point? It time to make some changes. Change involves risk, risk is stepping from the known to the unknown. Fear is what holds us back. Fear of the unknown is the biggest road block to growth for us. When the pain of where you're at outweighs the fear of where you'd like to be then you will take action.
You may do well with detaching from these two women and allow yourself to heal and find YOU. I see many of YOUR short-comings from your post. Not a judgement, that's why we're here.
I will caution you- by detaching from these two women is not the cure to YOUR problems. If you don't change, you'll continue the patterm of having relationships with women like the one's you have now. That's the coda pattern.
Nothing changes if nothing changes!
Have a lovely day! :)