Hi,

Maybe you are staying because you are "used" to him and "used" to that lifestyle. And there probably is a lot of fear around everything, too. Fear can drive us to put up with nonsense and other bad choices.

You have to decide what you can and cannot live with. Have you considered therapy? Because if you are wishing for the Universe to somehow solve your problem for you, then I wonder who you feel is responsible for your choices? (I have been in that dreamland of wanting issues to just go away, but they do not.) So, you have to choose, what you want, take responsibility for your decisions and act upon them if that is what you want. If you would rather have him there than not, then doing nothing at all will be your choice. The point is, passively or actively, you do have a choice and your actions (or lack of doing anything different) will determine how the rest of your life goes.

Take care and good luck (not easy, I know)

Shar

Hi Sassybabe11, I would suggest counselling. Just so you can get your feelings in perspective. When I felt shit about myself i resented those around me and would want out, these people couldn't make me feel better.... then my emotions would switch to love and i would be very intence and want to be with them all the time. After some time in therapy i came to a place where i liked myself and made decisions based more on reality than what i dreamed life could be. What is it that make you resent your partner? How do they feel about your relationship? I used to think it would be easier if those around me died if i had issues with them, I suppose i thought it would save me from acting like a grown up, having to make decisions and stand by them. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, i needed a dose of reality, i lived in denial and I could only change when i came out of it. What ever you decide will be ok, it's even ok to make mistakes.

Because it's warm and comfortable, and you fear being alone?

Advice: Embrace the fear of being alone. Once you're alone, you'll realize that being alone is nothing to fear; it's quite quiet and peaceful!

I was where you are and, now that I'm out, I'm doing a little better. Not great, but better. I too am very afraid of the unknown. Although I hated the known, at least I knew what I was going to get! You were on your own before, and it seems to me that, like me, you loved your house and the thought of the way things COULD be, not what they were. I struggled with that for awhile, and sometimes still do. I miss my house. I know that my STBX doesn't take care of it the way I did, and I really that it's full of bad karma and that it should be sold to a family that can love it and fill it with happiness again. Things weren't always bad there. They were never great, but they weren't always bad. But I do know that they would be if I went back, so I won't.

I too decided that it was unfair to both of us to go on as we were, so I left. And life did go on. We're both adjusting. It hasn't been easy. But I can't look back and say I made a mistake in leaving. It was the right thing to do. Now I just have to figure out how to make a new life for myself. That's where I'm stuck at the moment. You will be fine on your own. We have to learn to be enough for ourselves, and learn to appreciate us for who we are. I know you know what to do, and that you will eventually get there. Be kind to yourself. You are a good person and have come so far.

feel like i am suppost to stay with him. like its pre destined. sonny and cher. had fun before but now its like living with a burden on my shoulders that makes me feel heavy and depressed, and stuck. want to start a new life with a new job and move away. would like to live closer to my daughter who has a 3 year old and a 4 month old and is pregnant again!!!!. has a good husband but they are struggling and could help them. but they cant be my only focus in life and cant spend every day with them. keep telling myself that it is only a house and could be hapy in a smaller house that was just mine. but also would be lonely if i dont fell my life with things that i like to do. its a choice that i have to make, but just keep thinking i can do this and stay here and be happy but am not happy. i work alot at a stressful job and he does not work as he is disabled and just sits at home and takes over the living room and no liscense from DUI. so its a mismatch for sure. feel resentful about working and him not. it is better than it was cause he knows not to try to makeme focus on him anymore when i get home. am thrilled when he is gone and i have the house to myself. feel like its my place and can just do want i want to do and putter around the house and get rested for my stressful job the next day. he sleep late and always has an afternoon nap. watches tv all day and really does not much with friends. he has alienated friends with his smart ass attitude and critizes them as if he has nothing to do with the problem. if i was treated like i treat him i would realize that that person does not like me, but seems like he just acts like i love him. and in a fatigued and not wanting conflict will tell him that i love him to to avoid conflict, but i dont. found out when we were apart for 5 months that i really dont like myself alot and hard to make changes that i felt he was keeping me from making. but it was my house and i did what i wanted. i like a challenge and am interested in alot of things that are not avaliable in the rural town that we live in. dont get off work till 7-9 pm and crave to have time with people that i like and like me. but they are already in for the night or live to far away to do anything with at that time of night. i need to move on and deal with the pain and fear and start over.life is to short to be so unhappy.

Yes, it is. I'm in a pretty similar situation as yours. I'm about 99% sure if I went back to my STBX now, I would be where you are. I've come too far to go back. Some days I wake up with that sinking feeling in my stomach and think "what did I do?" Seems so weird to me sometimes. But then I get on with my day and realize I'm OK. Not great, but OK. When you're away from the crap you tend to forget how bad it was and fantasize about the good times that really weren't that great. Maybe a change of scenery is what you need. Could you rent out your house and live near your daughter for awhile to see if you like it? I know I sure appreciated having family around when my kids were little. My husband was very little help. It might also be easier to make friends in a new place away from all the baggage.

On the husband front, I used to wish mine would leave me, because somehow that would be better because I wouldn't have to make a decision. But he wouldn't, so I had to. I lived through it, as did he. Thought he would fall apart, which he did for awhile, but not enough that he would give up alcohol to get himself better. He will never change, and with this knowledge it has been easier to move on.

You know what you need to do, you just need to find the courage to do it.

It doesn't sound like you have co-dependent issues, it sounds like he does given he is hanging on but you are treating him terribly. You said you are superior to him! Co-dependents don't feel superior to anyone, narcissists do.
A classic co-dependent would keep giving and giving love even while being treated like utter dirt. They think if they just try a little harder their partner will come around.....It sounds like your boyfriend used to go out of his way for you and your relationship but of late just pretty much gave up. Maybe you've chipped away at him for so long he just started believing he is worthless. Not saying this is the case, but he sounds clinically depressed. In this state he cannot just 'snap out and it' and magically become who you want him to become. The DUI would be a huge red flag, but to be fair if he's depressed, not sleeping, on medication and feeling overall worthless I can see where the guy would make some reckless decisions. If this is chronic and he is some sort of repeat offender and alcoholic that's an entirely different story.

I am curious whether he was always "lazy" and if it was fine with you in the beginning when it was 'fun', but now you hate him for it. He might be depressed because he doesn't like being lazy but at this point can't get out of the funk. You make it sound like he is living the high-life, but someone walking around teary eyed can't be feeling good about themselves. 99.9% of the population WANTS to work and feel productive. I think you are being very narrow-minded, and at the very least, not a friend to this man, if you think this is the life he wants in terms of lack of contributing to society.
You say your work is stressful but if you had an easy breezy, flexible, no stress high-paying job would you care if he didn't work so long as he didn't borrow money from you and was happy?
My point to all of this is, I am not saying you shouldn't get out, but it is cruel to beat down this man and play mind games with him because he is going through a hard time. He needs a friend to help get him back on path (tell him you care and suggest therapy?). He does not need someone who is kicking him while he is down because he is not living up to your expectations of what he should be, how he should act, etc. Moreover, if I had to guess, you are constantly changing your own tune in terms of what you need from him. By doing so you are manipulating a depressed man who in your eyes, cannot do right. He just gave up on you and himself. It's sad you call him 'a loser '(which he is clearly underachieving right now and irresponsible with the DUI!) but I think it is also loser-like to try and control others. The poor guy cannot do right with you....for instance, you say he is trying around the house but then you rant that it is on his schedule?! Are you kidding? He should be helping around the house on your schedule-only? It seems you feeling superior to him has also equates to you trying to dictate his every move, action and feeling. You might want to consider how/if you are acting unloving and selfish. This guy may be depressed, but someday, maybe sooner than later, he might wake up and for all you know, he is plotting his own 'escape'. Guarantee once you two cut the cord like adults, he will start thriving again and be a productive human being. Just give him a little benefit of the doubt right now and try and be upfront that you are unhappy given you are currently on vastly different paths but reassure him that you believe in him and try to get him help. You are not superior, nor he is a loser. you're just two people who are living unhappy lives and you express that differentl y in your day to day lives.

Greenapples - I find this post rather offensive to Sassy. If you had read her other postings on here, you would know that she's been wrestling with this issue, and this guy, for a long time now, and is trying to get to a place where she feels OK moving on without him. He has caused her much pain in her life, and I think it does no good to put someone down on here for asking for some advice/other perspective. We are all struggling with trying to break out of this mold we've put ourselves in and to start to feel good about ourselves without this significant other in our life, and you just shot her down.

Sassy - You are an incredibly strong person for dealing with the crap you've been given. If I were you, I would try therapy for yourself to see what direction you need to go. Couples therapy can come later if that's what you decide to do. Therapy for me has made me see that I can do nothing to change my STBX, and that he is not willing to truly work on himself. But that's OK, because I'm working on me and moving forward alone. It sucks at times, but it will be OK. I know you struggle with house issues. I get sad when I think of him living in our house and not taking care of it. But I also know that if I went back it would just bring back so many bad memories. I prefer to keep some of the better ones and move on. Hopefully I'll be able to get a house once I get my half of the house that he owes me. You are stronger than you realize. Find a good therapist for yourself - it will help.

hey Sassybabe, I think I am in your situation too. I get frustrated as my bf plays computer games all day and sometimes watches porn if I'm out or at work. He doesn't go back to work for ages and his schedule is all over the place.

I go into therapy this Friday as I know I have a big problem staying with guys who aren't any good for me and I let that situation go on far too long. Maybe counselling would be good to get your emotions out.

It sounds kind of simple, but also take care of yourself. Some guys can drain the life out of us and leave us running on empty, it's important to have some time for you to recharge your batteries.

Point taken Cheryt. I don't believe I 'shot down' sassy, and if I did it was not my intent and I apologize. Rather, my intent was to help her take responsibility for her own thoughts and actions and help her think differently about this guy who clearly is not for her but needs help. He is suffering, too.

Feeling one is "superior" and keeping someone around to "direct anger at" is just plain mean. I'm not saying anyone is right or wrong (if you read my post I think I expressed that), but rather sometimes we get so caught up demonizing those who "wronged" us that we don't take responsibility for our own bad, manipulative or self-serving behavior. That's when real change happens.

Supporting someone through a difficult time and being "nice" isn't always about agreeing and validation. I stand by my comments.

Hi All,

According to "Co-Dependent No More" there are many different types of behaviors, thought-patterns, etc. that describe co-dependents (see chapter 4 about all the characteristics). My point is, there is no one way to be co-dependent.

I do think that taking an ex back into your home because he has nowhere to live and no license because of his own actions is
an all-around very difficult situation to deal with. Especially as he was not actually wanted back.

Shar

I agree. And I also think this is where the code comes in. You take him in because you think he can't/won't be able to find a place to live. I would imagine it's very difficult to say to someone you used to love: too bad for you, but you're on your own. That's why we're here! Can't say no. I personally have had to stand up to a couple of people recently and just say no, even though they were insistent. It's SO HARD!!! I feel awful afterward, but I know its necessary. And it wasn't the end of the world!

well i understand all comments and i do understand that i have my own problems but this guy is not " a poor guy that has had a hard way to go and needs help". this is his pattern in life and has never been a go getter and yes at first his playful and unresponsible personality was attractive to me. and i did support him for years and try to help him see another way to live, such as when disabled from his job, will go to school and get training for a better job. this never happened and think he is just unable to be what i need. and being honest i wonder about my reasons for staying in the realationship, as this has been a life long pattern of selecting guys that are uneducated and unmotivated, when i am not like this. i do appreciate the different approach to my situation. but have spend 10 years trying to help him. helped him with bankrupsy and yes i an sure it is no picinic for him to be stuck at home watching tv and having no money, but we all make our choices in life and some of us can move on and change our lives and others cant, it is true that we are very different and have came to a point that we dont work together. looking a my motives and family tendencies for this to happen. many of the females in my family have done similar thing with their relationships. so no offence taken and like i said like a different perspective on the situation. thanks for all the comments, but he does not try to help himself and yes i have stopped the code behavior of trying to help him but still in my mind conflicted about the relationship and not sure why it stilll continues. it is about me alot and have spent so many years that i was not aware and not able to take care of me and now it is about what i want and need and tired of trying to change him into what i need

greenapples- like i said appreciate another view but sounds like you are his mother, daughter, or brother. he only thrives and is entertaining if he is drinking. is an alcoholic with alot of issues that he as refused to deal with. i dont beat him down and dont play mind games with him. but he is pretty good at mind games. i have not chipped away at him anymore than he has me. i know you dont know this guy but again he is not a saint and u make it sound like he was a great guy that i have destroyed with my attitude. not true. he has really contributed to my negative feeling toward him by not meeting my needs even when i have made them clear.code is not as black and white as your definition emplies. lots of gray areas and feel that i am indeed recovery from past episodes of code and glad that i am and not a door mat or anyones sourse of entertainment unless i want to be. making excuses for behaviors such as a DUI is code and its like all of his screw ups are really just cause he is depressed- really so if we are depressed we can endanger others and be irresonsible with finances and expect to be loved without attempting to meet that person needs. I AM ME AND I AM DEPRESSED AND SO WHAT I DO IS OK AND EVERYONE HAS CHIPPED ME DOWN SO I HAVE EXCUSES FOR MY BEHAVIOR - this is what u seem to be saying is ok. that is narcisstic. i have been very clear in what i need and dont "change my tune". he chooses to ignore what i tell him i need and that is not how u get what u want from others. and yes he is free to leave and really does not have to escape. althought i find you post offensive and narrow minded in a weird way it is thought provoking and always fun to have someone that needs some insight around and y certainly do

I think your relationship will continue until YOU choose to do something about it, because obviously he is content to stay right where he is. My STBX was the same way, until I left, now he is pushing for divorce. Although now he seems to be passive-aggressive: wants to talk divorce, but when I ask him how we should pay for it, etc., no response for 2 days. Just that we should move forward with it. WTF? Again, I will be the one to get the lawyer and get the ball rolling - same old story. He wants things to happen but I have to be the one to initiate it and take care of the details. SO tired of that!