Yes I did/do struggle. I just broke from a 2yr RS. with a woman who did this chronically.She had been diagnosed with Bipolar although she downplayed it.I helped her get into therapy, walked/talked her through depressions,propped her up,was confused and angry,
rageful,indignant,there was never enough I could do.I was walking on eggshells:

http://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

I hear how hard it is when being blamed not to take it personally even after an apology.Its like death from a thousand cuts.It still hurts.

Anyways, everything was my fault.Plus she was emotionally-verbally and even physically violent especially when drinking.

I could forgive all that, but the constant blaming and interrogation about how much I loved her is what drove me nuts.
I didn't walk into that relationship feeling "hey! I need to rescue someone-or be scapegoat" but I walked out feeling that way.

Have you read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie?

I believe to separate from your loved ones pain you have to have a really strong spiritual core(pick any religion/practice) and also have alot of self-compassion:

http://www.self-compassion.org/

I used to drink alot in my 20s and was quite depressed and blame the world for my woes but after years of therapy/yoga and now Buddhist Mediation I'm almost normal! LOL! :)

I will say that my Codependent issues stem from my Fathers drinking and that my Mother was an emotional wreck growing up and leaned on me really heavily.

Anyways I hope my sharing can help.

Peace!

Hi possumlady: Someone who berates and blames you, who feels his life is miserable and you are responsible for that, then later says he says those things in anger. That person is an abuser. He is an emotional abuser and it hurts just as bad as if he had slapped you or punched you.

I suggest you get into counseling and then work on a way of getting away from him. Unfortunately, the statistics are not good in reforming abusive men. You deserve a life free from being treated so poor.

An emotional abuser typically does the following, which sounds familiar to your situation:

-- blames others for their own problems.

-- blames others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "youre hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I cant help being angry"

-- may say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victims accomplishments.

-- often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry

"He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry ""

AsTimeGoesBy: Right On !

This is my STBX exactly. It never gets better, only worse. And it will suck the life out of you. You are not responsible for his feelings. He is. If he can't admit that his feelings are his to deal with, and have nothing to do with you, then I don't see much of a chance of making this marriage work long term. You can turn yourself into a pretzel to please him, but in the end change must come from within him. No one has the power to change another human being; not you, and not him. If you are not the person he wants in his life as you are, then he should set you free and find someone more compatible with him. Unfortunately, those that blame others for their feelings often never find the right person, because the issue lies with them and they will always blame the other.

" Unfortunately, those that blame others for their feelings often never find the right person, because the issue lies with them and they will always blame the other. "

Another ace in the hole!!

Thanks

My STBX actually admitted to our daughter the other day that he drank too much, bitched too much, neglected his family, and basically was an asshole to be around, but that didn't mean I had to leave! Really!? I was supposed to just keep eating his crap? I don't think so. He hates everything in his life and lashed out at his family because he couldn't lash out at who he really wanted to lash out at - his dead parents and his sister. So we all took the brunt of it. No one deserves to live like that. Don't put up with it, and don't believe it is all your fault. Nothing is ever 100% somebody's fault in a marriage. It takes 2.

Wow...Cheryt you have got some good advice!
Possumlady, I have been dealing with this issue for 27 years of marriage this June! I discovered that my H is a narcissist and I have read a lot about that (malignant self love, inside the minds of angry and controlling men, etc). I spend most times on the emotional abuse site here, but I realize the problem for me now is my codependence. I intend to resolve whatever is keeping me locked into living with someone who has no interest in improving the marriage and is only here because he thinks he has no alternative.
I have read The Language of Letting Go and belong to an alanon group because CODA groups near me are few and far between. I suggest you might find a group or counselor or both. Take good care of yourself and work on remembering what you love and what gives you joy. Valuing yourself is important too. If I learn more tips along the way I will share them, but right now I can use all the advice I can get as well!