Hi BF,

I come from a large codependent family of origin and I am the only one (1) of them all who have done any realistic repentance or self-help, while others claim they did some healing which they did not, and they see me as a trouble maker in "their" family, and my Mom was the big problem (she is dead now) and my many (11) siblings carry onward our family sickness to their children - to the next generation.

The thing is that my codependency originated in my family upbringing but I find it to be a mistake to view our shared codependency to mean that we are codependent together.

My Mom died near 10 years ago and yet my siblings (all over 50 years old) are still dysfunctional because of our troubled Mom, but they can not be codependent with a dead person.

When I moved away (at 25) and I disappeared for 5 years then my codependency was only in myself and not attached to my siblings or parents.

In order to treat my own dysfunctions then I treat only myself and heal myself and the codependency is only in myself and not dependent on any other person.

As such we simply can not be codependent with any other person.

The "co" in codependency only meant that our dysfunctions come from the dysfunctions of other people - not that we are "co" with any other person.

As such it troubles me that you say you put boundaries onto your family and friends and etc, because a truly healthy boundary needs to be on our self alone, and to be healthy the boundary must not reach out onto any other person.

This link below describes my understanding of a true healthy boundary:
Link = https://independentfew.wordpress.com/2015/02/03/boundaries-walls-and-denial/

You might be doing it correctly as I do not know, but it is so important to get it right, and so terrible when we get it inaccurate and mess up matters worse.

Some how we need to let every other person stay codependent while we can only save our self, and then by our example the others get to choose for their self.

Healthy boundaries are not difficult - they are fun and empowering.

My own boundaries are like this: I will not let others control me, I will control myself, I make my own choices, I judge what I like and what I do not like, I will not run away, I will not hide away, I will stand my ground and hold my values, I do not lie or cheat, and I count on God for my guidance.

Welcome here to this group.

James

I think it is harder to break those codependency behaviors with our loved ones. The reason it is harder in my opinion is that we have years and years of living this way. We were perhaps taught to be this way, think this way, respond this way by our parents and siblings. Plus we love our family members and that makes it harder sometimes. We get love mixed up with being healthy within our selves. Additionally, the family often struggles with the change to healthier within one member because it changes the old pattern or way of being. They often fight harder against our change because they feel threatened. And yes, many of us crave the love we will never get from our parents or siblings. If we chase this love, I believe we will never be happy nor satisfied with ourselves. The key for many is to find the self love within ourselves and to accept the limitations that the love from our family members entails. They are how they are and it is not our fault. We did not cause them to be how they are nor can we change them. Their limited love is not about our being bad or lacking something. Their limited love is about their own issues and problems within themselves. When we find value and self love within ourselves, we can let go of needing validation from our family, who can't give that validation. We can give it to ourselves though. You are worth it.

Codependency by my understanding is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on another person. Thus the codependency isn't just on oneself because the other person that you are finding you are dependent on also depends on the way that things have always been so all of a sudden your changing things to become healthy and they don't see that there is a problem. An example of this is I let my mom have a large say on what I spent my money on and if she didn't approve of the purchase she would say so and guilt me for making such a silly purchase even if it made me happy and I get use out of it and had the money to spend on it. I never liked talking about my financials with my mom but would because she would ask me questions and get mad at me till I answered. This would then cause me intense anxiety over any large purchases that i may have wanted or needed because i knew what would happen after. so the boundary that I had to then put in place is no i am not discussing my financials with anyone in my family because I not only would hear from my mother she would tell my siblings and they would have their say on what I did and usually it was negative, so I put up the boundary of no I am not talking to you guys about this and they do not like this it has made them mad and they feel the need to say things to me and try to make me small. in their words by doing this i put myself on this "high horse" and thats not what I was doing I was just trying to cause myself less anxiety.
Another example is I was going to help my sister with a kids lunch in the the town she lives in and bring my niece and nephew to be able to play with my other nephews. Anyways it comes time to go down and I get sick with bronchitis and a double ear infection I was so sick. I was talking to my mom about how sick I felt and I didnt work two days before cause of how sick I was. When I told her I was going to tell my sister that I could not help with the lunch that I was staying home sick her response was " Ya know you are going to upset your niece and nephews and what will your sister do she needs the help." and when I talked to my sister she got upset and played at emotions she knows will get me to do what she wants. my need to have approval from my family makes it hard for me in these situations to say no. I should have stayed home that weekend to take care of myself and sleep. but of course I did what they wanted.

It is so much harder with family. My family does not see that anything wrong and when I get low and look for help Im ridiculed for going to a therapist to get help I get told I am weak for being on meds to try and help. When I take time at family functions to have some me time to decompress i get asked why I am not engaging with the family. Dont I love and care about them do i not want to spend time with them.

I also see that the work I need to do is with me that they are not going to change. and that is what I am trying to do. which is why i joined this support group to get some insight and talk to people who are also going threw it. I think that everyones journey is going to different cause everyones experience is different. thank you for your stories and insight on how you have dealt with it.

I need to stop wanting their approval because I do know I will never get it and that is going to start by loving who I am regardless on what they think.

To me codependency/adult child/
Wounded inner child are all the same
Things. Its just a different spin of the
Same problem. Its from Our upbringing
and Family.

The dysfunctional family system is
Hard to break and People will only
Change when and if they want to.
Usually it takes them reaching their
bottom before they are willing to do
Something about it.

The reason People stay in denial is
so they do Not need to feel the
emotional Pain with facing their
reality. Awareness of the problem
is the First step of coming out of
denial.

I always had trouble with my mother
No matter what my boundary was
Plus with the the word NO. She was
a boundary jumper. I would wait for
her to call me If she got mad at a
boundary or the bad word NO.

It got to the point in my recovery i
Told her very little about myself. It
Was Sad yet it was needed. You
Need to self protect against bullies
And manipulators especially if they
Are your family. They know what
Buttons to push.

In alanon i learned how to self focus
And work on myself so i was no longer
A doormat. I had to retrain and reparent
Myself to gain the tools i did not have
And should have had.

Its things like being a people pleaser,
Perfectionist, enabler, care taker and
On and on goes the list of things that
Are dysfunctional. Those are our issues
that need work regardless of your
family.

I think stopping any and all dysfunction
And facing ourselves and our fears is
Much needed in recovery. Our Recovery
is both emotional and spiritual. Self love
and self acceptance takes time to get
there, HUGS

Agreed for sure need to face what the fears are and then addressing them so so are no longer a fear. How do you deal with a boundary jumper. My one sister is not a jumper she just disregards them all together and when I told her I was setting the boundary she just laughed and said i didnt need boundaries that we are family and family doesnt do boundaries.
I dont think that they see something is wrong they see me as a screw up

I would not even discuss any of this
With them. Boundaries are about you
And your self esteem plus you need
To detach from them.

My mother wanted enmeshment With
her children no matter what our age.
When i was married she was not as
bad. She did respect that boundary
somewhat.

There Is a very good write up on here
About detaching not too long ago. I
found detaching from my ex the hardest
Thing i ever did. My family i was long
detached from.

The dysfunctional enmeshed family is
Not easy or much fun to deal with. The
denial Is buried deep.

Just try to fix and change you and not
worry about them. The more work you do
On yourself the stronger you will get from
The inside out, HUGS

Heres the problem that I am having with detaching from my family is I live in the same house as my mom. I run my business out of it and she is here part of the time. When we got the house it was in agreement that it was to help my sister who needed a place to land with her kids after a separation. It was in agreement that I would rent to own the house but if things didnt work out it was in agreement that we would dixcuss what we would do to to sell the house. I ended up meeting a guy and the idea of me moving is quite real thats when I started to notice just how bad things have gotten with my family with codependency. The idea of me being happy with someone and starting a life that did not go around them. Thats when the control and the manipulation got so bad. They want to know why I cant talk to them but dont beleive me when i say its because what they have said and done makes it hard for me to want to talk to them. that I have started to detach but hard to when they call and live and stop in whenever they want.

It is hard to detach when you live
Among them. They probably want
to Stay enmeshed and you don’t
that emotional Fight might never
go away.

I am glad you are in therapy. I Feel
12 steps groups has helped me a lot
in getting stronger. I have done a lot
of therapy too. I do whatever helps
Me.

Emotional and spiritual recovery can
be a long and intense journey. It takes
Letting go of self will and staying In
your own hula hoop, Hugs

They want to know how I could move away and abandon the family. when thats not what I am doing I will always be apart of the family but I want to build a family of my own with the man that I choose. They have never liked any guy that I have dated and they just assume that He is no good and has not taken the time to get to know him and see just how hard he works for what he want and just how good of a dad he is and how good of a person he truly is all they see is how he looks and how he lives. (he lives a much simpler life then my family) money means a lot to them. It does not to me. That is where we are having alot of our problems. Comments about how I cant move away from the family Ill move back I dont know what I am doing Im selfish im immature (im 30 by the way and started my own business at 25) I dont know what im getting myself into. I cant live in a new place without getting depressed. what happens if i get depressed. I have so many people here relying on me how could I just walk away from them. and the list goes on what they say to the point that I will spiral in depression thinking that I am not worth these big dreams i have for myself. They know exactly what to say to me to hurt me.

Sorry this is a long post and me just ranting about my family. its one thing to talk to a friend who doesnt understand codependency to talkingto people who actually get it.

Im at the point of do have this conversation of this is not working close the business and then move out and let her have the house and whatever i have paid into it and let her when she decides to sell the house have all the money from it because I honestly could not care less about the money from the house. and catch all kind of flack from her and my siblings or stay where I am till I do decided if I am moving or not
Cause Im at the point of just walking away from my family so I can figure out my self and do some much needed self care. Its so hard to decide what to do that would actually help me or cause more pain. cause with closing my business would be hard but it might be inevitable anyways.

Its hard i admit it and you are still
Attached to them. Keep working
On yourself as much as possible
so you can detach from them.

What you describe is what recovery
Is all about. We need to soothe and
take Care of ourselves first and Fore-
most. I found i needed to stop beating
Myself up too so that i could heal.

Most of this inner work takes time to
work Its way thru us. Glad you are in
Therapy, 12 steps helped me a lot too,
HUGS

how do you stop beating yourself up?

Thats what you need to do, give Yourself
some grace. None of This is easy when we
were programmed differently to take care
Of others first.

We need to learn how to put Ourselves
first. This is where we stop being doormats
and learn how to self focus and heal our
Selves. Its a lot deeper than that in reality.
It is truly layer by layer and easy does it.

Thank you

You are welcome, its all a process.
We need to fix us so we can change
And grow, i found both challenging
And hard, Hugs