Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
This is my second new thread in a short period of time so I'm conscious of being something of a spammer tonight on this board. ;) I just wanted to share something of my story and an event which I am trying to step back from and figure out how to address.
I have lived with an ageing grandmother for a number of years now. Her behaviour towards me has deteriorated over the years and I used to take it personally. I'd fluctuate between trying to do things to please her and reactng equally violently towards her in terms of verbal abuse. Sometimes I'd try and cut back on being abusive back to her and would beat myelf up if I was unable to zip my lip.
Now, I realise that her behaviour is a reflection of her own inner world which isn't a pretty place. As a consequence, it's easier for me to brush off the things that she says and does. I feel emotions but they aren't as strong and don't last as long. The drama in my life has reduced.
However, I felt fundamentally unloved. I always wanted to have her love as it made me feel validated for a while. When I realised, deep down, that I would never obtain this I found other external forms of self-validation. Sometimes in achievements, other times in people. Even now, I find myself drawn to seeking validation from others in some ways, but I'm aware of this, and I am making progress.
Today though, was not ony an all time low but a time to pause for reflection. After dealing with her behaviour appropriately for a lengthy period of time, today I did react, although not abusively. I insisted on being treated with some respect. After ranting and raging about me asking to be treated with some respect, she finally said 'it's surprising that you're actually a human being'. As a result, I've left the property and I am staying elsewhere for the weekend. The one comment, despite being a reflection of something in her inner world (i,e perhaps she doesn't feel like people treat her like a human being?) was outside anything I could have thought of to say to someone else. Although I will be going back to live there, in some ways there is also no going back because to go back is to disrespect myself.
She told me that in order to get respect from others (in her rant) that I would need to respect others. The problem has never been providing respect for others, it has been about respecting myself. I'm glad that without meaning to, she drew something important to my attention.
In terms of where to go... I've considered moving out before but I'm afraid. It seems fraught with all kinds of uncertainty and expense and scares the crap out of me. I feel like I would need lots of support. Some of that feels like co-dependency but some of it also feels like just a normal human need. I can't change her so in terms of where to go... the question is whether to stay and remain respectful to myself while showing her compassion that she needs ot just leaving and doing the same things. Does it matter where I am and my external environment in this circumstance or not?
I have lived with an ageing grandmother for a number of years now. Her behaviour towards me has deteriorated over the years and I used to take it personally. I'd fluctuate between trying to do things to please her and reactng equally violently towards her in terms of verbal abuse. Sometimes I'd try and cut back on being abusive back to her and would beat myelf up if I was unable to zip my lip.
Now, I realise that her behaviour is a reflection of her own inner world which isn't a pretty place. As a consequence, it's easier for me to brush off the things that she says and does. I feel emotions but they aren't as strong and don't last as long. The drama in my life has reduced.
However, I felt fundamentally unloved. I always wanted to have her love as it made me feel validated for a while. When I realised, deep down, that I would never obtain this I found other external forms of self-validation. Sometimes in achievements, other times in people. Even now, I find myself drawn to seeking validation from others in some ways, but I'm aware of this, and I am making progress.
Today though, was not ony an all time low but a time to pause for reflection. After dealing with her behaviour appropriately for a lengthy period of time, today I did react, although not abusively. I insisted on being treated with some respect. After ranting and raging about me asking to be treated with some respect, she finally said 'it's surprising that you're actually a human being'. As a result, I've left the property and I am staying elsewhere for the weekend. The one comment, despite being a reflection of something in her inner world (i,e perhaps she doesn't feel like people treat her like a human being?) was outside anything I could have thought of to say to someone else. Although I will be going back to live there, in some ways there is also no going back because to go back is to disrespect myself.
She told me that in order to get respect from others (in her rant) that I would need to respect others. The problem has never been providing respect for others, it has been about respecting myself. I'm glad that without meaning to, she drew something important to my attention.
In terms of where to go... I've considered moving out before but I'm afraid. It seems fraught with all kinds of uncertainty and expense and scares the crap out of me. I feel like I would need lots of support. Some of that feels like co-dependency but some of it also feels like just a normal human need. I can't change her so in terms of where to go... the question is whether to stay and remain respectful to myself while showing her compassion that she needs ot just leaving and doing the same things. Does it matter where I am and my external environment in this circumstance or not?
I think you have to decide about your environment. For my peace of mind, I need to keep my distance from some family who are difficult and chaotic. My Dad's mother was a very difficult person and I doubt I could have lived with her.
It is great that you have compassion for your grandmother. I think all of us, even the really difficult people in our lives, just honestly want love and acceptance at some level. Some do not know how, and some have their own baggage which has never been cleared away.
It would be great if you could talk with someone who could be objective in helping you to decide your next move. You would need to figure out the financial aspects, etc. Doing something new is very scary to many of us, but it is another step in our growth.
Good Luck,
Shar