Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Ever feel like the kid who on his/her birthday is given a pile of manure and assumes there must be a pony to go with it?
I've been wondering how this plays into the issue of codependency. As does a Pollyanna attitude in general.
I'm the type of person who almost as a reflex sees the bright side, not a bad trait for having faith in basic human nature. But it has really burned me too when I have been.so naive not to realize when someone is really
messing with me.
It also extends to inadvertently or habitually apologizing for someone else's behavior, even taking responsibility for their failure to step up and be a real friend. I did that this week when disappointed and hurt that a damaged friendship can't be rekindled.
I learned it's a control thing really, a passive way to try to manipulate an outcome. Killing with kindness -- not consciously, well not consciously until I write a post about it! -- but it amounts to a covert bargaining: if I clean up your side of the street as well, why wouldn't you be motivated (guilted) to treat me in the way I want?
But that's rooted in some dysfunctional connections. One, having been raised as a pleaser rather than a confident self- asserter. Two, closely related to One, having been raised in an environment where disagreement wasn't allowed, in fact it was punished. So I emerged into the real world as someone very compliant, over-trusting to the point that I've been easily manipulated.
But there's another side to it -- to really grow, a People Pleaser has to admit to their own brand of (black-or-)white thinking. In my case it can boil down to "please don't rock the boat and make me face up to my unexpressed anger, my terror of confrontation, my shame at being, as again, a deer in the headlights.
I've been wondering how this plays into the issue of codependency. As does a Pollyanna attitude in general.
I'm the type of person who almost as a reflex sees the bright side, not a bad trait for having faith in basic human nature. But it has really burned me too when I have been.so naive not to realize when someone is really
messing with me.
It also extends to inadvertently or habitually apologizing for someone else's behavior, even taking responsibility for their failure to step up and be a real friend. I did that this week when disappointed and hurt that a damaged friendship can't be rekindled.
I learned it's a control thing really, a passive way to try to manipulate an outcome. Killing with kindness -- not consciously, well not consciously until I write a post about it! -- but it amounts to a covert bargaining: if I clean up your side of the street as well, why wouldn't you be motivated (guilted) to treat me in the way I want?
But that's rooted in some dysfunctional connections. One, having been raised as a pleaser rather than a confident self- asserter. Two, closely related to One, having been raised in an environment where disagreement wasn't allowed, in fact it was punished. So I emerged into the real world as someone very compliant, over-trusting to the point that I've been easily manipulated.
But there's another side to it -- to really grow, a People Pleaser has to admit to their own brand of (black-or-)white thinking. In my case it can boil down to "please don't rock the boat and make me face up to my unexpressed anger, my terror of confrontation, my shame at being, as again, a deer in the headlights.
I can identify with alot of what you've expressed. I am a people pleaser and was punished for showing any signs of having my own opinion, not physically but by withdrawel and the silent treatment.
You sound like you have a good incite into the behaviours you have and the circumstances that have lead to them. i always believe that the knowledge of ones behaviour is a positive because it means we can change rather than carry on in ignorance. I also identify with cleaning up other peoples messes. It gives me the illusion that i can be in control or even change other people.
thanks for sharing.