My read on the deeper issue, is that it sounds to me like you are not yet convinced that you are as important as all the other people you try to help. I love the notion, which is part of the Recovery Patterns of Codependents Anonymous (copied below), that when others try to include me in their plans, I check in to see if that participation will be a good thing for me FIRST. In other words, before I say yes to others, I check in with myself to see if I want to say yes to me! I think that toxic shame is at the root of codependency, and if that sounds too dramatic, good old low self-esteem is right up there with shame.

Here they are. The first sentence is the voice of codependency, the second sentence is the reply from a recovery perspective.

Patterns of Codependency and Recovery Patterns

Denial Patterns

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment.

I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel. I embrace my feelings as being valid and important. I am truthful with myself.

I perceive myself as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others. I keep the focus on my own well-being.
I know the difference between caring and caretaking.

Low Self-Esteem Patterns

I have difficulty making decisions.
I trust my ability to make effective decisions.

I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough. I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection.

I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive.

I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires. I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when its necessary and appropriate.

I value others approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own. I have confidence in myself. I no longer seek others approval of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person. I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.

Compliance Patterns

I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others anger. I am rooted in my own values, even if others dont agree or become angry.

I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others.

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. I am committed to my safety and recovery work. I leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.

I value others opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own. I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.

I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want. I consider my own interests first when asked to participate in anothers plans.

I accept sex when I want love. My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. I know the difference between lust and love.

Control Patterns

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives. My job is to let them.

I attempt to convince others of what they should think and how they truly feel. I accept and value the differing thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them. I feel comfortable when I see others take care of themselves.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. I am a compassionate and empathic listener, giving advice only if directly asked.

I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift.

I use sex to gain approval and acceptance. I feel loved and accepted for myself, just the way I am.

I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others. I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.

Thank you for the very helpful replies!

I will say a rousing Amen to that thank you... Thanks Grace