In my experience so far I have found it's best to remind myself in these situations that the person in front of me has had completely different experiences than me and probably has never been lucky enough to learn about good communication skills and/or get long term treatment from a therapist. This helps to keep me from getting angry because I'm taking a more balanced view of the situation. Even if they're aiming an insult at me it's not really about ME. Chances are they were treated the same way as a child or something like that. Our social skills are not random, they're learned. That girl was rude to you not because she disliked you personally but because that is how she has learned to successfully gain control of a situation in the past (usually when someone is calling you stupid it's a pretty good sign they've got control issues of some sort).

Realizing this also helps me to respond in a more balanced way as well (and honestly sometimes the best response is silence). I usually will say something to the effect of "I do not appreciate you ____ (action/what was said). When you do that, I feel ____ (however it makes me feel)." The feeling that I describe is never anger though because anger is a secondary emotion - it's something you feel in response to another negative emotion as a defense mechanism and is never the actual primary emotion itself.

Remember also that a very real danger for codependents is swinging in to the opposite mode, counter-dependency. That's because both codependency and counter-dependency come from the same problem - usually a childhood spent in a dysfunctional/abusive home. In the dysfunctional/abusive home, people don't know how to relate to each other on even ground. They get in to a mentality where someone has to be the aggressor and someone else has to be the victim. This mentality is what leads in to codependency and counter-dependency. There's always got to be a fight for dependents, and both types will swear that they're fighting in self defense only.

"I would like to make her feel stupid too..." Watch out for thoughts like this. That's your defense mechanism kicking on. Your outward actions were that of a codependent (so the frustration is very understandable!) but thoughts like these are what lead in to its opposite, counter-dependency. The best thing you can do to battle these types of thoughts is to explore the emotions behind them and figure out when you first started feeling that way. If you can pinpoint the time in your life that someone first made you feel that way, you can turn that defense down some by reassuring yourself that you don't have to feel the same way now because it's not the same as it was back then. You're a strong, adult woman now with many skills and abilities to protect yourself with. You don't need to feel that way every time it happens now. You're safe within yourself. :)

Anyways, I hope some of that helps. The methods that work are different for everyone so don't be afraid to experiment a little. That's just what has helped me so far. :)

Hi mxkx. Thanks for your comments. Really interesting, I was trying to think something in this way. I am starting to work my codependency and starting therapy to deal with my emotions. Every help is welcome. ;-)

I has been my experience that most people are not reacting to me when they are rude.. usually and more than likely they are having a bad day or someone was rude to them.

Because you did not elaborate on the situation I am not sure if it was a coworker or a store clerk.. that did this..

It is just my opinion but whether or not you speak up I don't think would change your feelings or the situation in fact speaking up might exagerbate the situation rather than help it.


For me I try to work on not taking offense..I have learned if someone intends on offending me they will go out of their way to do it.. so that there is no question..

Having said all of this.. I also believe that when we get so upset when people do this what we are actually doing is giving them way too much power in our lives...

mxkx .. excellent post

I've never heard of "counterdependency" before. Now I'm really confused!

I feel like I have the words, "be nasty and rude to me" marked on my forehead lately. It's a constant struggle to not let the disrespect bring me down. No wonder I want to isolate from people.

I try to tell myself, "It's not about me." But that only works for a few seconds.

It's getting to be such an ugly world out there I'm finding.

I may be wrong here but as long as you are finding a healthy way to release your feelings, not goign for retribution for the words is something to be proud of. I don't think you should be a doormat but what good would it have done to lash back out in return?

It's like the saying goes, treat others as you wish to be treated...well that's fine and dandy, but in a work enviroment, it doesn't always fit. If you're the power hungry type, this rudeness becomes one of their tools. The sense of "making you small or unimportant" is their way of self gain. You know who you are and that's what matters. Of course you get angry (as anyone would), but not fighting it back just makes you the better person. In the long run, people will excel who have good judgement and are of good character. I would say since you didn't respond (as you would have liked to), makes you one of good character! As they say, pick your battles...this one probably doesn't have any importance...but that's your call. Keep a smile on your face okay!! Good Luck!!

thanks everyone for the support and comments. So good to have honest feedback...