Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Seriously, I'm kind of stuck on this. I looked up YouTube videos and online articles on respecting one's self, and I know it involves things like saying, "no" and having boundaries, and all that, but ... I guess I'm having trouble understanding what it looks and feel like. Admittedly, I probably had so much trouble with it in the past because I was hoping that by cultivating self-respect, I'd impress my partner and have him fall for me again. Well, did that not work when I told him I had enough of his teasing one morning and he stonewalled me and I was confused like, "what, you say you don't want me to be a doormat but I stand up for myself and you punish me for it?"
So I'm going to try this again, only this time for myself. Okay, I'm not going to deny that there's still a part of me of that's still hoping I'll get whatever self-respect is and he'll like it and come around. That hope isn't going to die until we break up. Accept it, move on. BUT BUT BUT! I do want to do this mainly for myself. So like if he doesn't magically go, "wow, chronic, I'm suddenly turned on by your new-found respect for yourself," I'd be able to go, "well, his loss, time to move on", instead of being confused and feeling like I failed.
What is self-respect? Is it someone treats you poorly and you don't like them get away with it? Is it not constantly thinking, "god, I hope I don't upset him." ? I know feeling good about yourself is part of it, but I like myself and think I'm pretty awesome person. I'm funny, hugely knowledgeable, super creative, and often the life of the party. But knowing I'm a great person still doesn't stop me from being a doormat and apparently being a doormat is the opposite of having respect. So is respect standing up for yourself?
How do you guys respect yourself?
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
Having healthy boundaries with Self
and With others. Having good And
healthy self Esteem and feelings of
self worth.
The self love with me has Taken time.
Its a process and its not easy. A life
Time of not feeling good enough.
Normal functioning homes bring
Children up to have healthy self
Esteem and self respect. Dysfunctional
And/or abusive homes don’t. We
Start from the one down position
Often times. Some Will pretend
They are in the one up position.
Then we go out into the world and
Sometimes finds these partners
That do not like/love themselves
And treat us with the same disrespect
They have for themselves. Usually
The ones with self hatred are worst
Ones to deal with.
It took me two years in alanon to stop
Being a doormat to my ex and learn
Strong boundaries with him. It was too
Late in the game for us.
If there is no respect in a relationship
There is no love. They go hand in hand
Along with trusting someone.
The healthier i got i saw the signs of The
Disrespect that i Had ignored. That was
not A good thing to do. I am passive and
I Did not make waves with him to keep
The relationship going.
I know what i went thru trying to fix My
Marriage. I tried and tried until it ended.
Its not a bad idea to write a daily asset
And gratitude list, meditate, Pray, read
daily Literature, journal, spend time in
nature, doing fun things just for You,
being creative and enjoy Your life with
or Without your partner.
Great topic respect, hugs
I do struggle with the self-love and self-care, not because I don’t have it and don’t do it. I do think I’m pretty awesome and I do take time to do nice things for myself. I put my relationship on the back burner for months to concentrate on me and my healing, and i still don’t feel the self-respect. I feel like I’m marking off things on a to-do list, talk to the universe, check, tell yourself you love yourself, check, treat yourself to a nice meal, check. And I do feel much stronger now, but those things haven’t helped me stand up for myself or stop letting other people step on me. I can think I’m awesome and still let other people mistreat me.
I have to say one (of many) nice things about my partner is that there was this one time this kid was rude to me and he took that kid aside and said, “she’s my girlfriend. don’t you talk to her like that!” Which was so sweet.
Sadly I never did that for him. Then again. I can’t stand up for anybody or anything. I just cower away and do my best to not make waves.
Courage. I think courage is a part of it. I think that’s the part I’m missing.
I got courage eventually to face my
Fears and myself in recovery.
I did come with up a realization after I wrote my reply to you. I wrote I thought I was an awesome person so I’m good with the self-love but I realize while I also think I’m a great person and I’m proud of my achievements and lovable traits, I also beat myself up all the time. When I mess up, I tell myself I’m a waste of resources and should get off the planet. Yeah I love myself but I’m also rude, hateful, and vicious with myself.
I realize I don’t always feel loved when people tell me I’m beautiful or awesome or smart. I feel great of course but what makes me feel loved is when people take their time to come hang out with me, they check up on me, make something special for me, or like when my partner told the kid not to be rude to me.
So maybe instead of thinking telling myself I’m awesome is me loving myself, maybe loving myself should be to tell myself to knock it off when I start beating myself up. Something like that.
And patience. Being and feeling spiritual
Does Help.
Once you can Love and Accept yourself
As you are, warts and all then its easier
Accepting other people as they truly
are. We need to be comfortable in our
Own skin.
All of this stuff takes work and retraining
And reparenting. I did my work in alanon.
It was not an easy journey.
I have always known i am a good kind
Person, that has never changed. At my
core i have not changed that much.
It was mostly my upbringing and all
That went with it then i married into
what I knew and was comfortable
Around, HUGS
When I see this freedom in others I am attracted to them. Of course, because it’s what we are meant to evolve into and it’s wonderful to be present with true individuals. This is the direction I want to head in. There’s an exercise where you look in a mirror and just see your eyes. Forget about the physical stuff. That’s not you. Respect (to me) is when I can look back into those eyes and see a good soul. That’s self love.
Im not sure if this shoe will fit or not, for me I think it stems from two areas in childhood...not being acknowledged for the good and more focused on the negative...today I just still don't feel worthy or good enough or that I deserve good things in my life...I do have good and I''m grateful for what I have...it's the purpose and meaning in my life that I'm missing, which leads me to a stand still. I've done the therapy, read the books, TED talks utube up the ying yang and nothing will help until it's
Practiced over and over again, then becoming a Habit, without thought to be the assume person you are, to know you have the right to say no, to live with the knowledge you deserve a healthy relationship.
You, like all of us in life are in a process of growth, life long learning doesn't stop until we die~~one small step can create in you a new thought, and you've had many over the past several months.
Perhaps speaking to yourself like you'd speak to a friend who feels badly when something has gone wrong....I'm Sure you would not be unkind as you are to yourself with mind talk...no one gets life Right all the time...God knows I'm so far from doing 'right'...just can do what I can do and hope one day the 'it' that I'm doing will be enough.
mlro - a fellow self-flagellator! It is hard to not crucify yourself when you don't get it right, isn't it? My childhood was different - I was actually told I was always smart and kind and special, but it actually made me more anxious because I felt if I wasn't always smart and kind and special, I'd be worthless, and I'd beat myself up every time I messed up. In a way, being told I'm awesome makes me more suspectible to being a doormat because I feel that if I fail at being awesome, I deserve to be tread on.
I wish someone had told me even if I'm not perfect or I make a mistake, I still deserve to be treated with decency. That yes, I am still accountable for my actions and I shouldn't act like an asshole, but other people are also accountable for theirs and they don't get to treat me like shit just because I messed up.
I think I'll tell myself that next time, be that friend to myself that you talked about. I hope you can talk to yourself like a friend too.
And I totally know what you mean by purpose and meaning! I definitely need to leave this town and go back to a challenging but rewarding job that did give me meaning after all this, whether with or without him. I hope you're able to find purpose and meaning one day. It does make a difference.