Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

3,331 Members
10,657 Posts
0 Online
Addiction & Recovery
/ Codependency Support Group

What am I responsible for?

possumlady
possumlady
I have been married for 20 years. 18 years ago, my husband lost his father. At the time I was pretty messed up and whilst I helped him in practical ways, moving in with his parents and helping nurse his father til he died, I wasn't able to offer him emotional support or comfort him. For the past 18 years, he has reminded me that 'I wasn't there for him when his dad died' I have heard these words a thousand times. I have apologized many times and have been trying hard to work thru my own issues so I am able to better connect emotionally. The issue with his dad remains huge, I have got to the point where I cringe whenever I hear his dads name because it is indelibly linked with an accusation. On occasions i have told him that he never forgives me but this just makes him angry. He tells me that apologizing is not enough, he wants me to do more. I think he wants me to talk about his dad and help him work through his grief but this is really hard when he still blames me and never lets it go. I feel like telling him to drop it and work thru his anger and resentment toward me but I know he would accuse me of not caring about him.
Any ideas?
possumlady
possumlady
PS: He refuses to see a counsellor or talk to anyone except me
hbgdaystar
hbgdaystar
You cannot be his counsellor period. An adult can take care if himself /herself. 18 years is quite a long time for you take blame... did i ever consider counselling instead?
hbgdaystar
hbgdaystar
I meant did you ever consider counselling? Phone typo errors.
possumlady
possumlady
Yes, I am talking to a counsellor weekly and working thru issues of taking blame and responsibility for other peoples feelings. I still get sucked in by his 'you don't understand me' and 'you need
to do something'. This pushes my buttons something wicked and I easily fall into taking responsibility for his unhappiness. Any tips as to how to stand strong when this happens?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Control comes in strange forms. This seems like one of them. Look how he is controlling you by saying these awful things. Ask your therapist about this. He gets to control your emotions. 18 years and he's still not over his fathers death. He gets to keep this issue alive through you. His father is dead, nobody can change anything about that....

"God grant me the surrenity to ACCEPT the things I can not change. The COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference."

I would say this aloud every time he starts this. Not for him, for you to remind yourself!
Booky
Booky
You title hits the nail directly - in that you are NOT responsible for your husband's father, not for his death, and it was not your place to be his father's emotional support or his comfort.

I say you need to drop that load off of your back, and definitely do stop apologizing.

He has you on an unjust guilt trip which no one deserves.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi,

I agree with Booky that you need to let go of the unearned guilt. And if he brings it up again, I would ask him directly what he expects you to do If it is what you suspect, like work through his grief, then you can figure out how to respond to his needs.

This is not your fault nor your responsibility. If he wants counseling, and it is not what you want to do or feel qualified to do, then he needs to be told. He has other options.

Hugs,

Shar