Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
Well, I went to the coda meeting that I hadn't been to like in a year and a half, and sure enough, the guy who is/was obsessive toward me was there. My heart went right in my throat. I have to admit I was scared. He badmouths me to ppl, I think, and seems to be like a cancer-he knows everyone that I know. I thought f**** when I saw him. The meeting really is kinda indispensible for my mental health and all that. When I got home, I felt much better and was able to concentrate, read, and all of that. But, I think it's time to find a new venue. I get very scared that he might bring my social structure crashing down. Maybe I'm giving it too much power. I want to run like hell.
Can't stand him.
Can't stand him.
It is great that you confronted your fear, and went through it anyway.
An old codependency affirmation goes like this = "Courage if fear that prays."
Because brave people still feel their fear, but the fear does not need to control our life.
You said that he "badmouths" you to others, but I find that to be a big mistakes, because any Man talking negative about any Woman will have it backfire onto himself, and most people will not believe trash talk about other people, especially a Man badmouthing a Woman, as that stuff does not fly for most people.
That really is just another fear, as in fear that people will believe him, and most people and especially sensible people will never believe people like him.
You might be giving your own fear too much power - but you do not want to give him too much power, as he does not deserve that power over you.
Also surely he has gotten the message, and the meeting will become much more pressure onto him, so I would expect that if you continue going then he will be the one to stop attending, and that is what I suggest - make him to run like hell.
Lastly - thank you, thank you, thank you for giving us a followup, as we do not get followups here very often if ever, and I think that I speak for most of us here - that we all get rather emotionally involved and concerned about what people say on this board, so it matters that you tell us whatever happened next.
Cheers.
You have experience with him. You know his behavior and understand how he escalates to intuitively know that there is danger. Feeling like "running like hell" is your intuition telling you that there is danger in this situation. Trust those instincts that nature gives to stay safe. You have a right to be and feel safe!!!
Perhaps the universe/God is trying to teach you to protect yourself as a first step. Just trust yourself and your instincts. That is a huge step in beginning to stop codependent behaviors and respect your boundaries as rightfully respectable.
You don't have to feel like running in order to find health. IN fact, current education research indicates that fear short circuits learning. (All those nuns who walked around with rulers threatening to whack on the hands .. its all their fault we could not do new math, LOL) So right now being in this scary environment may be stifling your growth. You have to decide that for yourself.
Take the precautions necessary to ensure your safety. Find a different meeting. If you stay with this meeting, be sure to have friend(s) with you at all times. Being in a group is safer than traveling alone.
If he is "bad mouthing" you to others, someone in charge should explain that is triangulation. It is a very codependent behavior and must be stopped. It is totally inappropriate at CODA meetings to be going around triangulating about other members.
Recent research into these personality types shows that explaining boundaries and saying things like, when you do this, I feel ____ actually teaches them how to subtly violate boundaries. That way they keep you more off balance as you struggle to identify why you are uncomfortable. Struggling to explain the extreme subtly to others deprives us of necessary feedback. While it is necessary to eventually learn to recognize and stop subtle violations, trying to recognize the most subtle boundary violations at the start is like trying to run before you learn to walk.
The reason most therapists suggest avoiding abusers or separating from them while we are learning boundaries is because these subtle violations can only be recognized once a good deal of work is done. To have someone around who constantly violates our boundaries on very subtle levels constantly damages healing work.