I know now more than ever that I display signs of PTSD because it seems like even otherwise insignificant rejections, embarrassments, disappointments, and failures elicit a jarring physical response in me. I rehash a perceived embarrassing moment over and over again to the point where I momentarily disconnect from my environment, forgetting almost completely where I am and who is around me, until I am snapped out of it by my still further embarrassing gasps for air or nervous laugh I let out in reaction to the "movie-like" images in my mind.

I can't shut it off. I can't function at work, I am hyper-vigilant about "zoning out" in front of people, and am relying on Xanax to calm me down. The last "traumatic" (I use the term only because of the bizarre way I am taking it) event happened with a stranger at work. I will try to only give a synopsis of it since I recognize the issue lies more with my inability to cope with the pile of other traumatic events (not necessarily sexual) that I've experienced with men.

Rarely am I intimidated by people-which is odd since I give so much power to them. But once in awhile I will meet an exception. At first I am always curious as to what qualities that person possesses to make me nervous. If it persists, however, I get irritated with myself. There is a guy I work with that I was running into a ridiculous amount of times per day who would always make eye contact with me, smile, but never say hello. No good morning, how are you, my what weather we are having---nothing. This made me very uncomfortable seeing that I was in contact with this person repetitively throughout my day. In the beginning, I just chose to ignore him since I knew I was intimidated but also knew that I didn't have to deal with this person. As time wore on though, I started to sweat, get shaky hands, and blush if he was around. I would be completely tongue-tied. Not a natural quality for me in the least.

In one instance, we nearly ran headlong into each other coming out of the mens/womens restrooms at the same time. He didn't say anything and all I could do was let out a weird, uncomfortable laugh. I was pissed. This was ridiculous. I decided to overcome my fears by approaching this person. I just wanted to make it comfortable at work and this "stranger" was now occupying too much space in my head.

Days later he was walking past me on the way out of the door. I asked if he was going to smoke or going to lunch. He smiled broadly and said both so we went out together, introduced ourselves, and had a brief, superficial conversation. I was nervous as hell but the conversation was normal. I told him he should grab me for a break again sometime-which he did that afternoon. Since that day, this boy has gone out of his way to avoid me. Let me add a disclaimer here: I did not flirt with, hit on, or otherwise throw myself at this dude. Not at all. I talked to him the way I would talk to any other person I work with and the conversation was in no way unlike any other I might have with a person I just met.

His behavior afterwards has put me in a tailspin. It has hit my ego in places that can't take any more damage. I have picked apart every sentence I said, wondering if my shaky hands or forward manner put him off. I feel ugly, misunderstood, and inferior to him. A person I hardly even know...Like any true codependent, I have now placed him on his respective pedestal and proceed to compare my inadequacies to his superiorities daily. I, in turn, also avoid him which makes the situation even more comic. We leave work at the same time and coincidentally...despite our joint efforts at total avoidance...found ourselves next to, behind, or in front of one another for about 10 miles on the freeway last night. He is like a bad penny and I am losing my mind.

Also as any true codependent, I have a difficult time with self-restraint. I want to "fix it". I want to approach this person again for a final attempt at normalcy. I know this is a bad move but I cannot seem to find acceptance without understanding. It's made me so sick I missed work today and thereby now have the opportunity to blog about it! I feel so stupid and ridiculous. It just doesn't make sense. He seems so approachable and nice. We had a couple of major things in common---things I asked questions about and had sincere human interest in. I now understand the term "die from embarrassment". Why don't I believe I am enough or even above caring about the behavior of someone who essentially MEANS NOTHING to me???