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Wanting clarity

chronicheadache
chronicheadache

I think the original stonewall is over but we had gotten so used to not speaking to each other that we are still not speaking to each other.  I guess the stonewall is still up, but it’s being held up by both sides now.


I did kind of talk and asked him a few questions when I got the nerve to.  They never lasted long, just a few minutes, but I got the impression he checked out of the relationship.  I flip back and forth between wanting this awkwardness to be over already and then really missing what we used to have and wondering if there’s any way of getting it back.  


I’d like some clarity on where we stand but I’m terrified to talk to him about it.  I don’t know if I’m anxious that talking about will shut the door forever or I’m nervous to discover he despises me and regrets our years together or that he’ll be extremely unpleasant and belligerent and I’ll lose my nerves and start yammering like an idiot again.  The idea of having this conversation petrifies me.  At the same time, I’m absolutely done with all this uncertainty and confusion.  I want the clarity already.  I want to get on with my life.  I am working on healing myself but I feel like I’m going to be a standstill until I get the courage to finally talk to him about what is going on.  I’m not saying break up, I just want to talk.


I won’t be able to go the CODA meeting for a while since I’m going to be out of town for a week to see my sister so that’s why I’m here.


I’m not sure what help I’m asking for.  Today’s courage change daily reading was on asking for help so I guess I’m asking the higher power for strength to talk to him and wisdom to know what to say, and any encouraging words or advice from you guys would be welcomed.

mlr0853
mlr0853
The first I noted was you are much less emotional compared to other posts as you started the journey of finding and healing yourself from a codependent relationship...Good For You!

Going to see your sister, you can put in her zip code to find either alanon meetings or coda meetings.

I noted you seem to be Very Much In His Head with what you've written, also projecting the outcome of relationship and wanting something in the past....has there been Anything to suggest the 'past' is in the present?
Red Flag area?
""I’d like some clarity on where we stand but I’m terrified to talk to him about it. I don’t know if I’m anxious that talking about will shut the door forever or I’m nervous to discover he despises me and regrets our years together or that he’ll be extremely unpleasant and belligerent"""

""The idea of having this conversation petrifies me. At the same time, I’m absolutely done with all this uncertainty and confusion. I want the clarity already. I want to get on with my life."""

I think you wrote before that you didn't have an issue with income and did have friends you could stay with....perhaps you could ask yourself "Am I Happy?" Am I Being Respected? What Would My Higher Power Want For Me?

Making a decision to stay or leave is a huge process of accepting what is Fact Based Information, not so much the emotional confusion that seems to make the hamster wheel turn. Best to you :) Try to be patient and kind to yourself, crawling and baby stepping through the multitude of emotions.
chronicheadache
chronicheadache
You brought up so many good points and insights here, mlro! I am still trying to get inside his head. I’ve always tried to mind read people around me to see what will make them happy but it’s 100 more intense with him since he accused me months ago of not caring about him. At least now I’m more just concerned he doesn’t think I care about him instead of being wildly anxious and disturbed by it.

That’s a really good question about the past being in the present. I think I might make that my journal topic for the day lol. I think the past meant so much to me I’m not ready to let go out of my one connection to it. I always did have the worst time saying good-bye to anything. Even getting rid of an old pair of shoes requires me to do a ritual beforehand. I’ll definitely have to think on that.

And you’re so right about big decisions should be fact-based. I think that’s one reason why I want to talk to him, even though I’m terrified to. I want to know what he thinks, instead of projecting what I think he thinks. But there’s also a bunch of facts on my own end that I should be examining as well. It is hard to do when there’s so many big emotions involved, but I am definitely feeling calmer and saner than when I first got here. People like you helped a lot! Thank-you.
urbangardener
urbangardener
I am going to second how much you have done to work on you and this is such a good thing and you deserve kudos for doing this hard work. You wrote he is checked out of the relationship. I think this is his truth - or he is very depressed. So let's assume he is truly checked out and is simply going through the motions and is afraid of change like you are. So then what? Sit down and challenge your fears and worst case scenario. If you don't flat out talk to him, you will never know what is on his mind. Living in the fear and anxiety you live in is not good for you. It is a prison of our own making when we avoid communication with a loved one. You can do this, you do have the inner strength and wisdom to just ask him how he sees your relationship and if he wants it to continue. Knowing is better than not knowing because you can't fix or change him.
chronicheadache
chronicheadache
Urbangardener, you are the best! That was the encouragement I needed to talk to him. I asked him what he thought of the relationship and he said we already discussed this (When I asked about the stonewalling) and that it was better that we say as little to each other as possible so we don’t annoy each other. He said he was fine with the way things are and it’s better this way and he doesn’t see the point of changing things. I said I wasn’t happy and he asked me what was wrong with things, and I said I miss out joking around and conversations and he said it was joking around that caused the trouble in the first place. There was some back and forth but I didn’t want to go too deep since I’m leaving early tomorrow morning to my sister out of town for a week. I’m going to wait until I come back to really tell him how I feel. I want time to discuss that and make plans depending on the outcome. The night before I leave for a week doesn’t feel like a good time but I’m glad I talked to him tonight because the lack of clarity was driving me crazy and it gave me more clarity, not to mention help with my anxiety. No, it wasn’t a particularly productive conversation but it didn’t kill me or him. I know he’s not going to change. I’m going to make some decisions that I think I knew for weeks deep down in my bones was coming. At least I have a week out of town to clear my head.
urbangardener
urbangardener
I don't know if you will see this while visiting your sister, but I am truly sorry his response was so... pathetic, demeaning, dismissive, uncaring. It might not feel productive but I think it was. I think he told you how he really thinks and feels. He is unable to be the partner you need from what you have written of his response. "Let's just talk so we don't have to argue" is not being willing to work on his stuff and not caring how you feel. He is either depressed and unable to deal, or even so self centered -self absorbed that you don't matter. I am so proud of you for just asking and talking and knowing when to stop the conversation when you realized it was NOT YOU, it is him that shuts down the communication. No matter why he shuts it down, this is a problem that is not fixable by you. Stick to your wise mind and be your own best friend. Take care of you. Remind yourself daily to take care of you first.
chronicheadache
chronicheadache
Thanks Urbangardener. This comment was the type I needed. Everything about this relationship has felt bizarre lately and you’ve helped with gaining some clarity on it. That’s a HUGE help. It’s funny you wrote that he’s unable to be the partner that I needed. When this relationship first started, I just wanted to love him and didn’t want to expect anything back. What I needed wasn’t even a thought. I just needed him to be happy with me. That was easier when I was able to provide things he wanted. Once I started messing up, that formula didn’t work anymore and now I’m not the same woman I was three months ago. My wise mind knows what’s up. My heart on the other hand — It hurts like hell but I’m going to do my best to stick with my wise mind. I’m sure my heart will catch up eventually.
urbangardener
urbangardener
See, you have not "messed up." No human is perfect or can be perfect. You might be changing for the better but you are actually setting in motion your own healing and learning to love yourself first. At some point the old behaviors just are so painful and so unfulfilling that we "have to" change. Change is hard but a year from now you will look back on this and say hugs to myself for having the courage, the strength.
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