My husband was on a business trip for 4 days and by the end of the very first day I missed him. I called him to make sure he got there okay (he drove 1000 miles with some friends of ours) and he said he was fine. We both said we missed each other. I couldn't sleep most of the night because I missed him, so I laid there hugging my pillow and thinking of how I wanted him to hold me and kiss me and say nice things to me. Day #2, I called him and he was going swimming at the hotel he was staying at. I wasn't upset that he was going swimming, but I was irritated that he didn't want to talk to me. I tried to tell myself that thinking that was stupid, so I went back to thinking about how it was going to be when he got home. I was going through some clothes (sorting out the old stuff that doesn't fit anymore, etc.) and pulled out a cute little nightgown and decided I wanted to wear it when he got home. Day #3 I called him in the middle of a business meeting and he was short with me because he was irritated that I called him in the middle of his meeting. So, I got my feelings hurt and decided that he just doesn't want to talk to me. I spent the rest of the day thinking about how stupid I was for thinking of wearing something cute when he got home because he wasn't going to want to mess around with me when he got home. He was going to be driving 1000 miles home, he'd probably just want to come home and go to bed. So, Day #4 I basically paced around all day. I tried to clean up the house so he didn't think I was lazy the whole time he was gone (although, I was) and I end up getting dressed up, just not in a sexy nightgown. I just made myself look nice. In my mind, I am telling myself that I am mad at him and I don't even want him to touch me... but really, I got dressed up for a reason and of course I want him to touch me, I just want him to think I don't want him to because maybe he'll want me more if I act like I don't want him. He comes home and is perfectly fine. I am still mad because he pointed out the fact that I shouldn't have called during his meeting, but he has forgotten about it (which I should have done, too) so he doesn't know why I am acting mad. He ends up being really sweet and hugging and kissing me and I am not trying to give TMI, but we went to bed together... twice.

So, the next day, I wake up feeling great. I felt like we connected and had a great night and I can't imagine being anywhere but right next to him in that bed. But, of course, he has to go to work. It doesn't bug me that he has to go to work, but it bugs me that he pushes me off of him to get ready to go to work. Then I feel stupid because what do I expect? We have a family, the guy can't just stay home and whisper sweet nothings in my ear all day. It's not that I don't want him to go to work, I just want him to WANT to be with me. Then he comes home and we are having people come over for dinner, so of course there is no time to cuddle or whatever. After dinner I try to hug and kiss him and he keeps pushing me away because there are other things to get done.

First off, please understand that my husband is not a jerk. He isn't just trying to avoid touching me and I know that because he does touch me, just not constantly. I'm not trying to make it sound like he just shoves me away because he cant stand me, I just don't know how else to say he pushed me away. Secondly, I know that it is me. I have this need to have him touch me and kiss me and ooh and coo over me all the time and he doesn't do it all the time. I hate BEING this way. I don't want to have to NEED him to act that way to me for me to feel like we are okay. Sexual things are the only way I know how to feel loved. No, I was not abused growing up, but I did start having sex at 14 because that is how I got attention. Now, 11 years later, that is still the only way I feel I get positive attention. I HATE IT. I crave sex all the time, but it isn't always physically gratifying. It's not like I physically crave it, I just mentally crave it. My husband is wonderful in that way too, so when we do have sex it just makes me want more. My husband sometimes teasingly calls me a rapist and sometimes I feel like one. I really force myself on him all the time. I just can't help it. Then, if he isn't in the mood for whatever reason I feel so hurt and rejected. I know he loves me, but I don't know how else people are supposed to express their feelings. He used to send me flowers and stuff, but for me, I would take that as "he loves me, so he'll come home and hug/kiss/whatever with me" but for him, he felt like he had already shown his love. So, sometimes nothing would come after the flowers and then I would feel hurt. I don't know how to just be happy with the flowers or the hug he gives me when he comes in the door or the little peck on the lips or whatever he gives me to show his affection. I don't know how to feel loved by anything other than sexual things... it makes me feel like I am disgusting and pathetic... any thoughts? Ideas? I'm sorry this is so long!