Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
My best friend, who lives 800 miles away from me, went on vacation 10 days ago. He was clear that he needed to "Unplug from Work." He knew that I was going through a difficult time, and when I inquired, he said he would touch base with me One time during his vacation.
At the time I felt hurt because I felt he was lumping me in with "Work" -- even though he denied it. (Yes, I said as much to him -- and I sulked with the silent treatment when he denied it -- because I don't think he was being honest with me.)
He always unplugs [from me] when he goes on vacation -- only this time he wasn't going overseas. Seems to me that's his excuse ("he won't be able to make calls as he's out of the country"). He didn't have that excuse this time as he was going to Florida.
My friend has very healthy boundaries, sometimes to the point of being cold & insensitive at times. His ability to "compartmentalize" his life includes wedging me into his daily time allotment. (He calls me on his way home from work each day ... if I can't take his call & I try calling once he's already home, he won't answer the phone as he's already "unplugging.")
He never did call me while he was on his vacation (he was lounging around by a pool every day). I reached out to him on the 1 really bad day via text (we have a code word for when I am in despair & needing to talk). His text back was clear that he didn't want to be bothered (he said "sorry to hear it; hopefully visit with Mom tomorrow will be good." -- seriously?! my crazy mom?!). I felt like I was compartmentalized as "work" & he unplugged from me as well.
Today he came home and texts me with "Back home. Tried calling. I am available if u have time to talk."
And I'm pissed off and don't want to talk. I'm sulking. Giving him the silent treatment. Maybe I'm "Unplugging."
I feel like our friendship is always at his convenience. I always feel like I'm at his beck & call. So I have to be available when he calls -- if I miss his call, that's it for the day and I miss my only opportunity to speak with him.
I live an isolated life, unemployed, no income. I don't have friends near me. So this is the result of having all my "eggs in 1 basket."
Don't get me wrong. He's been a great friend, like a brother to me for over 30 years. Talks with me every day and has helped me through a lot of bad times. He is helping me out as I cannot afford my rent right now. I'm just really frustrated that he compartmentalizes me like this. (An old pattern. Not going to change.) And then this "unplugging" thing... It's so insulting. I'm not stupid, y'know?
When I've gone on vacation (last time was 5 years ago), I've always called him once or twice to say hello and to share what's going on.
Let's put it this way. The friends he vacationed with for the past 10 days? He spends every weekend with them, partying, going to dinners, shows, theater! It's not like he's unplugging from them. WTF!
Me? I'm nobody. Just this loser friend who is needy and depressed and unemployed and lonely. Whose mother has dementia and has a longstanding history of crazy. And 2 estranged sisters who have been emotionally abusive to me all year. So, I really don't have anyone to talk to, who understands me like he does.
I guess I need to volunteer somewhere or join an activity and start building some self-esteem. But it's a conundrum. I need self-esteem to take the risk to get out there and volunteer (or join an activity) somewhere.
I just hate being compartmentalized, like yesterday's leftovers. And I'm so mad at him right now. Now that he's home, he's acting like we can just resume where we left off. On his terms. "I'm Available if you have time to talk." Well guess what, buddy? I'm not! Maybe I'm unplugging.
I really needed a friend last week when I was in bad shape. If I say this to him, he'll explain that he was "Unplugging and didn't have energy to talk."
I'm so tired of being unimportant. I know that I'm a nuisance.
I guess I would unplug from me too, if I could.
Thanks for listening.
At the time I felt hurt because I felt he was lumping me in with "Work" -- even though he denied it. (Yes, I said as much to him -- and I sulked with the silent treatment when he denied it -- because I don't think he was being honest with me.)
He always unplugs [from me] when he goes on vacation -- only this time he wasn't going overseas. Seems to me that's his excuse ("he won't be able to make calls as he's out of the country"). He didn't have that excuse this time as he was going to Florida.
My friend has very healthy boundaries, sometimes to the point of being cold & insensitive at times. His ability to "compartmentalize" his life includes wedging me into his daily time allotment. (He calls me on his way home from work each day ... if I can't take his call & I try calling once he's already home, he won't answer the phone as he's already "unplugging.")
He never did call me while he was on his vacation (he was lounging around by a pool every day). I reached out to him on the 1 really bad day via text (we have a code word for when I am in despair & needing to talk). His text back was clear that he didn't want to be bothered (he said "sorry to hear it; hopefully visit with Mom tomorrow will be good." -- seriously?! my crazy mom?!). I felt like I was compartmentalized as "work" & he unplugged from me as well.
Today he came home and texts me with "Back home. Tried calling. I am available if u have time to talk."
And I'm pissed off and don't want to talk. I'm sulking. Giving him the silent treatment. Maybe I'm "Unplugging."
I feel like our friendship is always at his convenience. I always feel like I'm at his beck & call. So I have to be available when he calls -- if I miss his call, that's it for the day and I miss my only opportunity to speak with him.
I live an isolated life, unemployed, no income. I don't have friends near me. So this is the result of having all my "eggs in 1 basket."
Don't get me wrong. He's been a great friend, like a brother to me for over 30 years. Talks with me every day and has helped me through a lot of bad times. He is helping me out as I cannot afford my rent right now. I'm just really frustrated that he compartmentalizes me like this. (An old pattern. Not going to change.) And then this "unplugging" thing... It's so insulting. I'm not stupid, y'know?
When I've gone on vacation (last time was 5 years ago), I've always called him once or twice to say hello and to share what's going on.
Let's put it this way. The friends he vacationed with for the past 10 days? He spends every weekend with them, partying, going to dinners, shows, theater! It's not like he's unplugging from them. WTF!
Me? I'm nobody. Just this loser friend who is needy and depressed and unemployed and lonely. Whose mother has dementia and has a longstanding history of crazy. And 2 estranged sisters who have been emotionally abusive to me all year. So, I really don't have anyone to talk to, who understands me like he does.
I guess I need to volunteer somewhere or join an activity and start building some self-esteem. But it's a conundrum. I need self-esteem to take the risk to get out there and volunteer (or join an activity) somewhere.
I just hate being compartmentalized, like yesterday's leftovers. And I'm so mad at him right now. Now that he's home, he's acting like we can just resume where we left off. On his terms. "I'm Available if you have time to talk." Well guess what, buddy? I'm not! Maybe I'm unplugging.
I really needed a friend last week when I was in bad shape. If I say this to him, he'll explain that he was "Unplugging and didn't have energy to talk."
I'm so tired of being unimportant. I know that I'm a nuisance.
I guess I would unplug from me too, if I could.
Thanks for listening.
But... your friend is saying he needs space, he helps out towards your rent he speaks with you most days and obviously cares for you do you really think he thinks you're unimportant?. The key things in what you've written are... you have no other friends and feel a nuisance. You are putting quite a burden on one person to be everything to you. (I did this with my husband) it really would help if you could make some friends through volunteering or free groups. I sense that you're pi**ed off with your own behaviour as much as you are angry with him. Maybe coda could be a start?
Hugs...
This is what i feel when i read your post ....it sounds to me like your inner child has taken up teenager role with this person.... she is saying lot of things here.... i need things i need it now and only frm u...if u dont give me ..... tantrums.
Also i am noticing u felt abandoned everytime he was not able to help you. Know that we all have choices... we were young when we didnt know what to do in similar situations ..... but we are adults now can handle things for ourselves or reach out to others for help..
In my case i have made friendsmy with coda/aca and innner child healing class members.... not just one but several so i can express my
Feelings to people who understand and not be judgmental...
I am glad ur able to express here in this board... know that i am here reading instead of listening and i understand your feelings.... i alao understand that your higher power will guide u on a right path.
Hugs again.
I also think it is great that you expressed yourself here. I agree with Daisydip and Daystar, too, though. No one person can be it about everything, and he is a very good friend to you.
It is easier to assess from the outside, I know, but it sounds like he is trying to take care of himself, too. If he is giving you a lot of emotional support (besides some financial), he might have needed/wanted not to be in a support role for his vacation. Do you think that you are relying too much on support from one person as the others have mentioned?
I know it is very difficult for some of us Cos, but if we are entitled to our space, to say "no" or to take care of ourselves (and we are), then we have to let others do the same. Even if it is not convenient for us. Even if we want their help, support, attention, now. It is a gift that they are giving to us, right?
Regarding his other friends, being with them, etc., how does that impact or affect you? Another perspective is that he has a different relationship with them, and is okay with being with them on vacation. I am not sure why you are judging that he is somehow wrong for making his choices about himself and his friends. What do you think?
Hugs,
Shar
I think it's better to put the focus back on you and not so much on him. He has been a great friend to you and I'm sure he will continue to be a great friend in the future.
There will be times you legitimately want a break from him too but try to resist the urge to "sulk" as you said and not respond when you really do want to talk to him. (This is something I would have a hard time with too.) It sounds like he knows you too well for all that anyway;)