do you live with her? If not, can't you have less contact with her?

I don't live with her thank god.

My mother was vey abusive too, when I was a child. She didn't drink though. She was also very controlling and manipulative, perhaps narcissistic. This together with my absent father made me codependent. I'm still working on getting rid of the anger that I feel about them because of this.
This book helped me a lot:
http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1401976914&sr=8-1&keywords=toxic+parents
And Louise Hay's stuffs.

My parents were both neurotic and narcissistic. So I duplicated the pain and drama when I chose adult partners. I guess that's what the Bible warns us about: "The sins of the fathers (and mothers) are visited on the children unto the third and fourth generation."

There's no easy answer. Most human beings are pretty f----ed up.

But I find that as people get older they are better at spotting the red flags and not investing their whole heart and soul in a new person until they know what they're getting into.

I had an abusive father, who was a drunk, drug addict, physically abusive and child molester (me and my sister).....so ya....I know exactly what that is like.

He thankfully was also a deadbeat dad so that kind of worked out in my favor once he moved away. Most of my life was spent finding that "daddy" in other men I suppose......

But today, I have learned about parenting myself in the way I need and that is the best antidote I can offer as advice.....I don't think anyone truly gets the parent they need or want....so you fill the gaps the best you can on your own and for yourself...and try to not have any expectations on the parents, thinking that they will change or be able to provide you what you need.

With my mom she has definitely done some work for our relationship, but that was only after me loosing contact with her for a couple years. I think she got a moment of "oh crap" and then sort of bucked up and figured out that I don't need her anymore nor do I need the B.S. that came with our relationship...so I kind of won out on that front.

Anyway....it stinks have sucky parents...but we can be the best people despite who they were and how they raised us :) Take care of you always, first and foremost, if she is too much to be around don't psych yourself into believing you "owe" her a relationship because she is your mom...I think that is a bad program we all got embedded with from a long time ago...you owe your parents nothing, you were born that didn't come with an automatic IOU.....

.....just do what feels right, the rest will fall into place. Take Care!!

Thanks everyone

My mother was severely depressed and often treated my needs and times when I wanted or offered affection as annoyances. This has left me a bit messed up in the relationship department. Any attention feels like a drug and I'm constantly doing to much, offering too much, seeming desperate and always expecting that my affections will be met with disgust. She treated my older sister completely differently. She could do anything and mother would defend her. Ugh. Sorry. You all seem to have the crappy experience. Yeah if anyone finds the answer I'll buy it from you. Seriously though, loving kindness meditation seems to help but for some reason I have problems consistently following through on what really makes me better.

Well my mom was not a drug addict but she really didn't have time for me she was all about the next man she was going to have in her life. After she was cheated on by my dad, she fell apart, she didn't know how to deal with it except to seek revenge. Instead of worrying about raising me, she cared more how to make my dad's life miserable. So I suffered in the process.

20 years later she became a born again christian and now seems to think that she is perfect and everyone is beneath her, I am her only daugther and she cares more about strangers than she does me. So I can relate.

The thing I can say to you is, we have the control to not be our mothers. You can choose to go to counseling and get help for your low self esteem, or you can choose to blame her until the day you die. I choose #1.

So now I go to CoDa, and I am just starting, but I am realizing that a lot of the bullshit did come from my mother, it's a back and forth process, but I can't blame her anymore, I blame her for the actions she has now, but they can't affect me anymore, because she's not really a part of my life.

She watches my kids and that's about it, I don't ask her for much because i know she is older now and just can't handle as much, and one day she won't be here anymore, so I have to find a place in my heart where I can forgive and just move on, for my own sake and sanity.

You may want to attend an ACOA group.It would help you.....!

How do i find a ACOA group.

Try looking up an ACOA (Adult Child of Alcoholics) website and search through the meeting locator...
Good luck!

Ok thanks

Or alanon...