Granted I haven't been faced with the person who initiated my Co-Dependency tour, so we shall see what occurs if and when that happens.

However, I really feel after only a couple weeks of being stuck in the murk and mire of my head about what an awful Co-Dependent I am-I actually feel like I am turning a page. I am going to share what happened, hoping this is a) normal b) can maybe be something someone else uses to snap out of the "negative self talk" that I think is a common practice amongst us.

Also it is to document it for myself when I hit those low points again, as we know.....it always rears its ugly head.

I was sitting in my living room after a really nice weekend, and I was alone...that is obviously when it seems to hit the hardest.....that point in the day where you have time on your hands so the brain starts churning out thoughts. Well mine goes down my list of imperfections and what I coulda/shoulda done differently in the circumstances, what a bad friend I am for not being there to help her through her difficult time and "gosh darn it, it is making me feel so bad".

Then I stopped....."wait a second......all I did is finally snap at someone for treating me like crap, overstepping my boundaries for the 5th time, and overall being a total abuser....so you are getting your feathers all ruffled because you snapped???" I thought about it and got that voice that you would probably use at your favorite sporting event and said "YA, WTF!!!!"

So then I was able to retrace the events over the course of the last year and half and realized the scroll that had been nicely tucked away behind my shame, regret and my need to be perfect and saw what really was going on. I couldn't believe the things I had just elected to ignore, the things that I was willing to contend with....all in the name of "helping" "loyalty" "friendship" "caring/loving". HA!!!!!!!

As soon as that lightbulb went on......the negative self talk went away. I think the thing that did it is, remembering why I was here. Why was I deciding to get out of the friendship? What was my reasoning and be completely honest about it instead of focusing on what I did wrong, what brought me to the decision?? Just remembering why helped me.....in fact it ignited my "patting myself on the back" mode and got me to actually smile that I did the right thing for myself.

My loyalty personality was the one telling me the negative self talk, yet it is the same personality that got me in the pickle in the first place......

I don't know how else to explain it, but there is a break in the clouds; I am totally invested in this process of working on the Co-Dependency-I don't think my natural instinct will ever leave so I am going to work on finding my tools to navigate through it, exercising my boundaries continually with my family and friends, using my voice to say "no" or to be clear, and of course stop the negative self talk...its time for me to give 2 shits about myself and really start liking the person I am...and hey, maybe even love myself.

I think we can care about those people when we are out of the relationship and by caring still, sometimes it draws us into the dark places of negative self talk again......so I am going to care about my friend....but me first. I am hoping this new road of discovery will lead me down a road of more fruitful relationships......ones where the balance of the scale includes me this time around......I am feeling hopeful today

Might just be the Vitamin D3 I am taking as I have heard it helps with feeling better and more positive.....but I have a hunch that I am on the brink of some good stuff.

I hope the people on this site who have really been champions in my few posts telling me some very insightful stuff get as much out of this post as I want to give......this is such a great place to air it all out, huh??

With lots of love and gratitude.....