I haven't fixed his problem, though in my codependency, tend to feel obligated to do so or have people pleasing tendencies in order to feel loved.

I don't want to go to the dept of motor vehicles because the lines are out the door long and it is just eating at me a little. I do think this would be considered enabling behavior because the thing with addiction and enablers, is the enablers take the blow out of the consequences by trying to "fix" stuff.

He had many months to deal with his ticket and chose to pay it late - and to not open his mail so he didn't know his license was expired - and it is not my responsiblity. What I did, ideally, was maybe keep him from getting behind the wheel until he can fix his problem.

Thanks for the posts. It brings up a lot in the kind of men I've chosen because yeah, he doesn't appreciate us and his life is all about his gambling and gaming addiction.

I got myself into this by trying to help and now I am dealing with learning to have healthier boundaries by doing. Why should I make up for his lack of responsibility? Because I can. Ok you may see I am a little torn here.

Life will go on. A little thing can become a big thing. I am notoriously indecisive - do I help or not? This is where I am at. I see the good in helping out, though under the conditions, it is rather appaling to me. The guy is on his computer literally 24/7 and getting him to listen to a word said at times is futile. He's a really bad addict and he doesn't see it that way. If he didn't have mom or me as his foreseeable backup, maybe he'd realize he had a problem and get help.

I already said I didn't want to take care of it for him but MAY look into it. So that's where I am at.

Thanks for all your help in this. Interesting how the issue took on new perspectives as it grew, and I'm real grateful for the support here and every single post.

OK, I exagerate. He is on the computer almost daily from the time he wakes up until bed, I'd say at least 12 hours a day (oh and he does apparently make money doing this - he is very smart at math and well known for some of his gaming activities). Besides this he plays games or gambles with people in person, or occasionally walks the dog, watches a program, and goes to lunch. That is more acurately the picture "literally".

And yeah, mom models behavior that enables, and she knows it and is frustrated, and I take up a little of the slack at times.

I didn't get this way overnight and I won't get better overnight.

A big hug to all of you for rallying around and hopefully all gaining insight on what our tendencies tell us about ourselves. For me, I need some work to do For Sure. And I don't have to beat myself up for not doing it perfectly.

Opening someone elses mail is soooooooo wrong no matter how you try to justify it. it sounds like you were trying to help but also knew that doing it was wrong. your dad has a problem and as with any addiction it's not our place to step in and try to fix things. Your dad has to hit bottom before he will admit there is a problem. The best thing to do is to let him handle his own problems. It would have been different if you had asked permission to open it.

I say that I just do not understand what the issue really is?

"Loved1" says she lives with her parents, and the Dad gambles but apparently Dad wins at gambling and Dad pays the family's rent and the parents have enough cash to travel all over the World for months at a time, and "Loved1" the adult child is 37 years old helping to do business at home.

Recovery means from the efects of dysfunction or abuse, not recovery from ease and comfort.

Unless the issue I am missing here is that she sees gambling as evil and she wants to stop her dad from gambling - and if that is the case then she does have some codependent control issues in that she needs to leave her parents alone.

Addictions like alcohol is an abuse for a drunk, but many people do drink socially and have no problem.

Gambling is not a dysfunction when the person wins and pays the bills and there is no other form of abuse.

What "loved1" lacks is her confidence and she needs to create more healthy boundaries for herself and NOT for her parents.

Boundary book here;
http://store.cloudtownsendstore.com/boundariesbook1.html

Dad does not check his emails, but Mom does, and that is meaningless. Lots of older people do not do emails, and I know many that do not want or have a cell phone, and I tell them they are missing out on the fun of the stuff but it is not an abuse or a dysfunction to be stuck in the last century mentality.

"Lover1" simply does not have any need to feel "bad" for opening the important letter since by doing it she helped out her parents big time in doing that. I can not imagine her parents being anything other then grateful to their smart acting daughter.

That is my opinion.

To Booky I need to clarify that my mother worked 50 + hours pumping money into the business, she cleaned the whole house. cooked all the meals, handled all of our family finances, b/c what seemed to happen over time is the irresponsibility mutated in grandiose ways. My father bounced checks, fed his TV addiction, took avout three jobs a week, bought crazy supplies, like a teenager w/o a plan starting a business. My mother's bitterness and brokenness about the way her "helping" was never appreciated is palpable still this day. She doesen't get that it was crippling, that she could have her own feelings and needs. My father has never said o(words or actions) that he needs any of us. The last time he called me or my sister was to get a copy of his birth certificate, after being fired from a security job (my mom got for him right before the divorce), for wrecking a vehicle and lying about it. He is filing for diszbility. My father never for a second felt responsible for me, my sister, or my mom. And codependency was a poison in all of that.
I just want to also say that this chat is for folks who have suffered from codependency, so I am nit sure why you think you can contradict what someone is saying about their own lives.

Hi "Clarified";

Your Dad does sound like a rough character and I do not contradict that.

My codependency came from my rough mom.

So I find that us codependent people have a rough time figuring out our true feelings and that is what I was trying to contradict in my previous posting.

"Loved1" posted that she feels "bad" for her actions and I want to contradict that feeling and not contradict what happened.

Even if she did wrong (and I am not saying she did) then we all make mistakes and we do screw up but none of that makes us into a "bad" person.

Many codependent people feel in negative ways based on normal human conditions. Times when we do not like being alive, we get to feeling inadiquate and inferior and all she was trying to do was to help her parents and her family.

I have to try to controdict my own feelings when my feelings go wrong.

Thanks so much for clearing that up Booky.
I am afraid I can be a bit defensive, my mom always insisted we had "the greatest dad in the world." We knew better, but were sort of brainwashed. so now I have to speak the truth and fear no man.
I love your Gahndi photo.

The original title of the post started a few days ago and the situation has transpired into many issues involving codependency, trying to help, not wanting to help, feeling obligated to help, being expected to help - for me. For whoever reads it and gets out of it that is one thing. I do not appreciate being told my dad doesn't have a problem because he has some finances as a result of his gambling addiction - that is complete BS. The fact is if he had a normal job that didn't take 90% of his time he'd probably make a lot more money in his chosen career. None of that is my business. My business is when I try to jump in or when I am asked or expected to fix others problems.

I think you are right your dad's business is his own. You opened the envelope perhaps in an effort to people please, get approval or any other reason and it backfired. Suddenly the father you thought was perfect is no longer perfect and his secret is now out in the open, which will probably make him feel awkward.
I think the only way forward is to apologise to your father, accept that he is not perfect and move forward, accepting that you did wrong and that is okay, because we are all human and ensuring that you do not do it again.

its funny isnt it, as you think youre doing something nice, but yr actually being codependant by taking care of someone else. You shouldnt feel bad tho, you are just a product of a codependant society, but i guess now you can learn from yr mistakes. i probably would have done the same thing