Wow I am sorry to hear this about you and your best friend. I have two best friends and we have never been through anything like this any problems we had we always talked out forgave and moved on. All I can say is this not a real friend a real friend would not hurt you physically or emotionally. Sounds like she has some issue she need to deal with about herself and trying to blame you this is not your fault. It is time to let go of this relationship. I am sorry for the loss of your mum I can't imagine not having my mother around. I true friend will always be there for you no matter what I pray you find the strength to end this toxic friendship and build back up your self esteem.

Wow....I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND. A friendship that I ended made me do a final examination on myself and my habits that kept bringing me into friendships which tipped the scale out of my favor, and found that I was co-dependent.

I have had 3 significant friendships which all resulted in a terrible end. The main culprit was my co-dependency, and their taking advantage and bullying.

The first two friendships were ones I had, had since childhood. You don't pick very well when you are a kid (that is just a fingertip fact) as a kid you just want to be liked and get along in school and life. I was always told "you are too sensitive", they certainly liked and enjoyed that sensitivity when we were dealing with their emotional issues, boyfriend issues, life issues (me saving them), but when it came to me and anything I needed support on, they gave me some terrible feedback that really hurt my feelings and felt more like a put down instead of sage advice, I was told I was being too sensitive. I would then 'shoo' it away and carry on with the friendship, chalking it up too they were right and I was too sensitive.......I mean they were "there for me" right?? Always picked up the phone, always were there to hang out, etc.

Each day, month, year more and more issues would stack up, they would lie to me, they would screw me over in roommate situations, they would have WW3 arguments in my home when I had roommates, they would sleep with my ex's, the list goes on and on.....each time I would take it on as I was wrong for feeling badly about them.....until I finally reached a limit. Then I would end the friendships and each time go silent...not say a word....just stop talking. Which was so much more destructive to myself than I could even begin to know. Both of those friendships ended with major emotional upheaval, one of them used to call me raging on the phone and flipping out and crying then yelling at me, all this emotion. Well what she was really mad at was that I was bailing on her when she knew she made a terrible decision marrying her abusive husband and I wasn't going to play super hero anymore; driving him to the hospital when he crashed his hand into a wall, killing a cat!!!! all of this weird stuff that I mean was really gross......I was her maid of honor despite knowing he had beat the crap out of her the day before their wedding.....WTF!! Talk about co-dependent. So she was flipping her lid because I left her to face her music.

The other one was Bi-Polar and I got tired of picking her up at the hospital, help her move from terrible relationships only for her to run back to the relationship and then treat me like crap and 2nd hand news......so I finally told her I couldn't trust her and she blamed it on my "made up issue that I thought she slept with my ex's".....uh Ok...could it also be that your Bi-Polar issues are making you unreliable, a liar and hurtful......

This last friendship which brought me here was interesting....and I had grown considerably after losing the other two friends. I had been very consistent in my communication, I had boundaries but due to us being roommates I didn't want to rock the boat too much, and she took full advantage of that......when it was time to move out all of her resentments that I was going on without her started rearing their ugly head and a lot of my co-dependency issues were triggered (at that point I didn't know I was)......well then a final blow which then brought me here.

All I can say, is I found an end to each one of those relationships....when it was my time....but each one had to end to save myself. No one is going to be able to tell you your timetable...you will have to find that yourself....but know that each day that you are in it, is another day you will have to work on it later and deal with it. You can still love someone, have feelings of nostalgia, hope the best for them, etc. etc....and just not have them in your life. And it sounds like you both have reached a place where you are miserable....so it is just a matter of time for this to end.

So I guess......are you brave enough to love yourself first? is really the question.....

Also my mom used to always say to me...."make room for new".....if you have something or someone in your life that isn't working, move it out so that there is a space for what you really want, to be there....until she is out of your life, the type of friend you really want can't be there for you!

Anyway, long reply but I have to admit it felt good to share it...cause its a first to hear someone who had their co-dependency triggered by friendship and not a spouse.

Take care XXOOO

Thanks for the replies guys, its nice to hear some kind words. And CoDaChrome, it's especially good to hear from someone whose been in a similar situation. Some of your experiences sound awful! I was just wondering if you had any advise about how to like cut those ties. Its strange but I think my friend and I are mutually co-dependent so I rely on her as much as she relies on me, and even though I so long for the freedom that would come from ending our friendship, I cannot seem to be able to overcome this uncontrollable urge to try and tell her what I think she wants to hear. Things practically have reached breaking point...again. We had a blazing row in a shopping centre, and then again the next day when she came to my house. She ended up nearly jumping out of my car when I was taking her home, and when I pulled up alongside her to try and get her to get back in the car, she opened my door and slammed her handbag in my face. She has text me since saying she knows its not right that she physically hurts me, but that I make her feel so angry because I make her feel like I don't give a crap about her, because I don't make enough effort with her. She's a good friend is certain respects, and she gets upset it isn't reciprocated. What she doesn't understand is I've been worn down by years of her overpowering me, shes so much more assertive than I am, she always gets her way, she can always argue her point so that I have to agree with it, even if I sometimes I don't. It's got to the point where I'm scared to suggest anything in case she thinks its a bad idea. I don't feel like my life is my own, she quizzes me about what I do on evening I'm not with her, I don't like to make plans without her in case she wants to see me that night or talk on the phone. She thinks she's not a priority in my life, when in fact, she is a priority to a ridiculous extent. Because I'm like this with her she thinks I'm weak and pathetically, a leach who latches on to people and sucks the life out of them. When I see myself through her eyes and try and understand the reasons she is so angry, I do see why she thinks that. I'm not like that in any other aspect of my life though, its just our relationship has become so unhealthy. Even though I know this, and that its equally bad for her, I find the urge to try and make up with her is still not gone, I know if she text me and gave me an inch, I would try and say what I think she wants to hear to try and get back in with her, and I don't even know why at this point.

Well....... I always had to be the "bad guy" because of course having a nice cushy punching bag isn't easy to want to get rid of....so they of course weren't going to end it. So my limit was when being a "bad guy" didn't matter to me anymore, when my inner voice became a bit stronger then there put downs or BS that they would tell me to drag me down, when I actually physically couldn't handle the emotions any longer.....that was when I knew. We all have different bandwidths we can handle of a situation, and sometimes we ignore the signs/flags or whatever else gives us a clue into when we were done, and you may have to look back and say "why did I wait so long to make this decision" .......so you will have to decide and find your limit and when you matter more than she does....

Also it sounds like you are pretty attached......detachment is the name of the game in Co-Dependancy....and it is really hard to achieve. I will tell you it eludes me EVERY DAY.

Don't be her punchbag. Thats not right.

This sounds a lot like parts of my marriage.

I take great offense to "apologies" that involve the person saying how they are sorry & what they did was wrong, but it still ends up being the fault of the other person. Don't we have a lot of power?! The way we MAKE them mentally/verbally/physically abuse us? Isn't it totally crazy that we are responsible for how we behave (which is never right) but also for their reactions & behaviour? Personally I am so hurt of this repeat performance & that I've actually hit a point where I can't even muster the energy to argue or try to bring the other person (my husband in my case) around to seeing what they are doing. I wonder how completely stupid I am that I've participated in this cycle as many times as I have...it doesn't change.

People get into patterns, & each time somebody is triggered with these long term relationships, everything is just on repeat & replay it seems.

Maybe the best course of action is to spend less time together. Find other ways to spend time, on your own & meeting new people, & then put serious effort into not reacting when you are with this person & they start up...you know there is always a wind up, right? I keep planning on implementing this for myself, & I have for several months at a time, but to be totally honest, sometimes it blows up in my face. At a certain point, if I DON'T react & get sucked in, it makes him worse, he will escalate things even further. I suppose (for me) at that point my option is to leave the relationship, which I haven't done.

Seriously though, taking some space for yourself might give you some perspective & allow you to see what's really going on.

This is an abusive relationship. She's "only" a friend- you're not sleeping with her, right? So you don't owe her anything.

She's not even a friend, BTW- she uses you to make herself feel good, even at your own expense.

What rang true to me is that you only doubt your "flaws" when you are with her. That says a lot. It's because she's manipulating you.

I'd not wait for the next blow up. Write her something and say that you have to terminate the situation- you've let it go on too long, but this gig is over. Don't worry. She'll move onto someone else to be her whipping post.

I had a friendship from childhood that has been on and off we've had some pretty big needed breaks from each other. Right now we are conversing more and it is more civil. There are more boundaries and I am more thankful to have her in my life. So if you can both grow it doesn't have to mean a permanent end but honestly without the break I wasn't growing and neither was she it was as if we kept each other stuck. I had a period that was scary but then ok of having no close friends. In time God blessed me with some amazing friends that I would never have had. Now I make friends easily not all best friends but I enjoy many levels of friendships with different people and have a few close friends. I don't feel controlled and I am more free.

Yes, I have had these relationships with a love interest- everyone is trying to get "their needs" met through the other person- and yes, the only way to do so is to find it within yourself- its dysfunctional addictive pattern- yes, I have been there!!In the spiritual realm we call it a karmic relationship-somehow paying a debt from the past...

Just remember that a healthy relationship involves equal love, support, and understanding- not abuse, taking without giving and heavy obligation- Hang in there & know that there are other healthier relationships out there to be made.

Sounds like they are toxic friends...Who needs them?All those years that I never took care of myself and had no boundaries....Extremely low self esteem...I try to be careful who I allow in my life today..Toxic "Friends" will no longer :rent space in my head"