I made my first appointment for Friday to see a therapist on dealing with my codependency and self love deficit. I was scared but excited to start this recovery... I got a letter in the mail stating my insurance was denied for January - I work only part time and cannot get insurance through my job so I was getting it through the state for years.
I panicked - My bf does not want me going to another 12 step group - I crave attention and seem to attract the wrong kind at those groups - I also become very codependent on their "vision" of me and end up volunteering for WAY too much then get resentful and stressed when I get too much on my plate causing tension - relapse - and then guilt and shame!! UGH!
All I have now is this online forum and books, articles, and you tube videos - I am determined to learn as much as I can about this "illness". I am already noticing a change in me - especially in my reactions.
So today I was talking to my bf on the phone and he told me something that reminded me of somethin I read... when I told him he snapped at me... "Don't F*$#ing psychoanalyze me with your codependant bullshit" and "this (my past/codependent/issues) is all I ever hear about anymore, this is just another crutch for you to lean on to not take responsibility for your life" ..... OMG this hurt! Because I feel like for the first time I am ACTUALLY trying to change my ways, ACTUALLY trying to get to the root of the trauma, ACTUALLY feeling a tiny bit of self.
I waited a good 30 seconds to respond - tears welling up in my eyes. I said "I love you, i'll call you later. Bye"
This made me think though - Am I making shit up? Am I really codependent? Am I using this to numb my hurts?
that's what I feel like, regarding my own personal life. I'll never get out of this funk, I hate my job, I thought I was going to get out of it, I thought there was some real hope for me, for the future, but there isn't, it all fell through just like every other attempt I have made to get out of this hell hole, just falls through, and then when I hit the bottom, which seems to be every other...
These past two years I've been super unhappy, its like our "spark" disintegrated. Honestly only reason I am even still living under the same household is because of our daughter, being jobless and I know for certain his mother will destroy me and he will take my daughter from me.