Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
There is an ongoing debate between me and my husband and I would love to hear any opinions about it. My husband thinks that in a marriage, you should have the freedom to say whatever you think without your partner taking offense because if you are close, you will know that the other loves you and understands that you are just angry/ frustrated etc. and not take the comments personally. He is the sort of person who speaks his mind without really thinking and often ends up unintentionally offending people.
I am of the opinion that you should try and choose your words carefully as words are very powerful and can have lasting effects on people. I am the sort of person who struggles to say what I really mean especially if it is negative. Over the years we have had constant conflict as he tells me how he is feeling towards me, leaving me feeling devastated and deeply wounded(as 99 percent of his comments about me are negative and cut to the core of my self esteem) When I get upset, he tells me I am too sensitive and take everything personally (I do because it IS personal). He tells me that he can never be himself around me and that I never 'hear him'.
I know that I am very sensitive to criticism and don't handle it well but I can' t get to a place of seeing eye to eye with him on this one. A lot of the
time i feel scared and anxious because of it. Perhaps I am too sensitive, but tell me, does this happen on healthy relationships?
I am of the opinion that you should try and choose your words carefully as words are very powerful and can have lasting effects on people. I am the sort of person who struggles to say what I really mean especially if it is negative. Over the years we have had constant conflict as he tells me how he is feeling towards me, leaving me feeling devastated and deeply wounded(as 99 percent of his comments about me are negative and cut to the core of my self esteem) When I get upset, he tells me I am too sensitive and take everything personally (I do because it IS personal). He tells me that he can never be himself around me and that I never 'hear him'.
I know that I am very sensitive to criticism and don't handle it well but I can' t get to a place of seeing eye to eye with him on this one. A lot of the
time i feel scared and anxious because of it. Perhaps I am too sensitive, but tell me, does this happen on healthy relationships?
I had a boyfriend once that would make unkind jokes about me, then if i got upset he would tell me i couldnt take a joke. This works in the same way, because you feel offended and then also shamed for your feelings.
And he is also contradicting himself. He believes he has the right to say what he feels, but if you say how you feel (i.e. offended) then you are 'too sensitive'.
I have no idea what he says to you, but if you are feeling that awful, then something is not right. Both of you should have a voice, dont let him take yours away by telling you that you're 'too sensitive'.
What type of things does he say to you anyway?
Its not ok with me to be called names or communicated with in a harsh way. Its not ok to unload nasty or hateful words onto my plate either. We all get to choose how we allow others to treat us. So - what really matters is whether or not his behavior is ok with you.
Hugs - JB
I think I have just had a glimpse of why I feel so angry deep down inside... I have let myself be controlled and defined and then told that. I am crazy
If you tell him what everyone has said I hope he doesn't start acting worse. when people are codependent they put up with abuse because we feel to insecure to stand up for ourselves. I hope this helps.
Now if he's using this as an excuse to just unload on you as the others here believe, when you start on him he will go on the defensive. You'll remind him of his words and he will either A) change his story and go back to white lies communication B) tell you that it's a one way street, only he gets to do it or C) realizes that perhaps this is a good thing and begins to improve things.
Let me clarify one thing. Honesty is best policy. First and foremost. Now how we choose to be honest often influences how we are perceived. If we speak truth in love, even if harsh, it's a good thing. Beautiful even. If we speak truth in anger, bitterness, hatred, malice, etc THIS is what is so bad about it. Let me give an example.
Say my wife were to ask me if it's obvious she put on weight. She already knows the answer. Now despite the fact I KNOW she wants to be lied to, I must give an honest answer. I can do this one of two ways: Loving or Hatefully. Both would be honest. One shows that I am considerate, the other shows I am hateful. It all comes down to intentions.
I have explained several times how he makes me feel and he continues to do it. Then acts like nothing is happening or I don't have a right to be upset.
I'm sorry you are going through this and hope it gets better for you!
Just because you are married, does not give him the right to abuse you. It does not give him the right to use his tongue as a weapon.
Speaking your mind, being honest, those are good things. But intentionally saying hurtful things is a different story.
All you can do is make him aware when he does it, that he is being mean and that you will not tolerate it anymore. You have to put your foot down and stand up to him. By allowing his behavior to continue, you are participating in being a victim. Putting you down, makes him feel superior. Obviously there is a drama triangle going on.
Start to love yourself, and stop the abuse.