Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
If you asked me when I was at the most codependent of my codependency what I wanted for Christmas, here's what I would have said:
1. For everyone to be happy.
2. What I want Santa to bring is what every person wants Santa to bring them.
3. Peace, with no suffering, pain or conflict.
4. Tell me what you want. That's what I want.
5. Everyone to get along with everyone else.
It kind of remind me of those exercise I did that asked me to list my wants and needs, and my answers were basically, "What I want is for everyone to get they want." -_- It also reminded me of when we did Secret Santas because whoever got me would complain I was hard to buy for because I didn't seem to want anything, which was true. All I wanted was other people to get what they wanted and be happy. Even now, I have trouble receiving gifts.
Anyways, I decided to push this idea more, and hehehe, I became the psychologist I now wished could have treated me, and ask myself back then, "okay, seriously, list one thing you REALLY want for yourself," so I came up with:
6. What I want is for people to only ask me to do things I really want to do, because when they ask me to do stuff I don't want to do or can't do, I might have to say no and it hurts me to say no and makes me guilty and angry that I have to say no.
(I'm better with that, btw. You can ask me, I can say no, it's no drama. But man, there was a time when I got upset at the prospect of having to say no I told my sister I wish people would stop asking me to do things that I had to say no to.)
Coming up with #6 kind of exploded something in my mind and then a slew of "what my codependency REALLY wants" came through. Because it's a myth that codependents don't want things for themselves. They do. At least, I do. I just can't be direct and honest about it. Well, here's a direct and honest list of what I wanted as a codependent.
7. To never be in an argument or conflict.
8. To never hear a "no" or rejection of what I wanted. That's probably why I never stated directly what I wanted. Having someone reply, "no" was too painful. It's also why I never said no to something someone else wanted. If it was too painful for me, I believe it was too painful for them.
9. To be told I'm a good person by everyone I know.
10. To have others owe me more than I owe them. I will serve them extra so if I ever need their help for something, I won't feel guilty because the balance is in my favour.
11. That one day someone will notice the sacrifices and extra care and extra work I put them into serving them and reward me for it with either praise or acknowledgement or doing what I want them to do.
12. To hear, "You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I am so lucky to have you in my life." (Still have fantasies about this one, lol)
13. To never be corrected and have someone tell me what I did wrong. Hence why I enable. They should enable me back. The Golden Rule, right? (And yet, I stayed 10 years with the most critical man in the world, so there must be a part of me that actually did crave some correction and brutal honesty. Of course his form of aggressive , punitive correction can be considered abusive. Chronic, you just don't understand healthy proportions of things.)
14. To NEVER, EVER, be in a position where I have to stand up for myself or others. I first wrote, "For people not to disrespect me" but that sounds like I want people to respect me, when the truth behind the statement is more I don't want to have to stand up for myself or others. That would be heaven for my conflict-adverse, confrontation-hating self, if people would just treat me and others with dignity, because then I wouldn't have to be brave and courageous and speak up.
15. Similar to #14, for everyone to be so happy with me that I never have to set boundaries, enforce rules, give consequences, leave toxic situations, etc.
That was my codependent Christmas wish list. Once I pushed myself past the "I want everyone to be happy and get what they want" it actually got really interesting and insightful for me :) I enjoyed that.
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It's been some time since my last post...sorry. I've been going through a challenging time with the sale of my home, purchase of a condo and my adult asperger son that lives with me. I've had days where I couldn't get out of bed, days where I stayed in my pj's and days where all I managed to do was eat, drink fluids and take care of my Sweet Mia kitty. Sweet Mia came to me from a shelter about...
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If I come to DS and it won't do anything when I click "Login", I go to a post, click and then click "Leave a Reply". Then it will let me log in.Of course, sometimes DS just goes to "Error 504". Then I can't log in.
I'm so glad to hear that working on your own changes made you happier. It's the same for me too. I feel a lot better and a lot more in control now that I'm focusing on things I can actually control instead of trying to control others.
Sad part of the holidays is that most people aren't happy these days
Part of being with the right person
As for others, yes I still offer to help, but don't jump at the opportunity so I can feel better with myself/life...I figure everyone has the right to say no...same thing with asking a question, people can answer or not, but I need to be prepared either way for their response.
The crazy of my youth, anger, frustration, lies, emotional chaos, sexual abuse, all of it happened because I had two sick adults as parents. Their alcoholic lifestyle left me filled with fear and mistrust of people, even today I still don't trust people easily. I isolate, have no friends in person, lots on line though <3, it's harder to make friends as one ages.
I guess I just don't expect anything from anyone at this point so I'm not disappointed. I still do avoid conflict, just can't handle anger very well and tend to avoid at all costs.
Today I'm living for myself, my own health and welfare, if I can help, I'll say yes, if not then no....we are all responsible for ourselves in the grand scheme of life. Adjust, Adapt, Accept are three words which come in handy.
There's nothing wrong with helping, and I love watching people help others out and I love helping people out too. Like you said, don't do it to be a good person or do without boundaries or do it with resentment. In the right circumstances, helping others is a great things.
Your upbringing sounds incredibly painful and abusive :( Childhood shouldn't be painful like that. I'm so sorry you had sick people raising you like that.
I think you're doing a wonderful job of turning the generational trauma around and working on changing the trajectory towards healing instead of alcoholism and abuse. Keep going. You have a good heart.
"I still do avoid conflict, just can't handle anger very well and tend to avoid at all costs."
I don't blame you at all! I get the worst emotional flashback when I see a hint of anger in the other person. I feel like I'm in a warzone. I will say I think there's a difference between avoiding drama and hiding from a bad situation that needs to be taken care of. I don't think there's a problem with staying away from angry people and not engaging in drama. Unfortunately, in my case, I'm a teacher that needs to learn to deal with unhappy responses to enforcing rules, and I definitely need to learn to communicate with my partner, so avoiding conflict actually causes more drama and chaos.
I'm glad to hear you're living for your own health and welfare today! Good on you. Adjust, adapt, and accept are words that allow for nuance and grace :) They good words to live by.