Good question. Who Are you without them? The pain you are describing sounds a lot like withdrawal symptoms from an addiction, an addiction to having your feelings of well-being for your identity based solely on your relationship to others and not yourself.

You're alone for the first time and it feels scary maybe because it's an unusual feeling compared to when you are addicted to using your family to feel who you are instead of your relationship with yourself. What is forcing you to believe that being alone is bad, other than the habit of not being alone with yourself? At least you are not being bothered by evaluating your identity based on your relationships. You're developing an awareness of yourself with co-dependency. It feels strange. It is a good thing. Uncomfortable maybe , but healthier. Sometimes the "medicine" tastes bad? The "medicine" is detaching. It's actually a positive thing.

And it's natural to feel like an empty shell if you've never been able to see what's inside. The shell is the belief in building an identity as getting validation from anyone but yourself. You're just not used to the feeling of being able to detach your feelings from who you are with others and how to treat yourself.

Right now it may feel like a bad feeling, when it may eventually be a good feeling. You've decided to stop an addiction. Good for you. And...., it is not easy to stop an addiction. There will be pain as you learn new ways to be your real self.

Or not.

Amelah

Great questions...

This has helped me - I see myself as two people( Inner self and outer self)... I ask my inner self what my opinions, needs, wants with anything i want to do ( Check in)... When i get an answer from my inner self i respect it and try to follow it .. Initially , In return i used to get resentment from others and my own inner critic, nonacceptance and sometimes even hatredness..

My outwardness would react or let go sometimes( either extremes ) . I dint give it in ... Yes there is lot of discomfort for trusting self, emptyness, Letting go because of various things - missing/loosing familiarity of known ..Hold on to your new self....Know that you are replacing them with healthy behaviors..

Its now a daily, hourly practice to self check in and i would not compromise on my peace or cordial relationships with self.

Good books that helped me work on my self
Self therapy for your Inner critic by Jay Earley and Bonnie weiss
Theres nothing wrong with you by Cheri Huber

I did not learn "detachment" as being separated from my family, because family is super important.

The healthy detachment is sitting in the same room and tell our loved one that we do not want to talk about it right now, or I am not going to argue with you and then do not participate in any drama.

You do not have to totally leave your family as you just need to establish some healthy boundaries, or create a little breathing space. And your best boundary is that you do NOT tell them all of your business and hold back your true feelings - because that is the detachment.

We can separate simply by going into a room and locking the door, or moving out of town, but the mental and emotional attachments can and will go along with us wherever we go.

To detach means to emotionally detach so even if you move out and leave the Country and change phone numbers then none of that will truly affect the psychological and emotional attachments.

Here is a really cool link about boundaries:

Here = http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/personalshared.html

Instead of leaving we must stand our ground.

Hi,

I think that often detachment does have a physical element to it, as in leaving the room or leaving the house. In fact, I think that physically removing ourselves from people who would hurl verbal invective at us is a wise, and healthy response. I used to sit there and just take people's bs, their insults, their criticism, perspective, in general their crap.

We do not need to. I do not agree with a one-size-fits-all answer of just "holding our ground" either. If it works for you, that is great. It does not work for me, though or at least it has not, especially with family. My best and healthiest behavior for myself has been limiting my interaction with some of my family. Period. I finally had the courage to admit that I do not like their behavior, their drama, their constantly judging and criticizing. I do not want to deliberately put myself out there so I can try to shield/protect myself.

In my opinion, there is no need to do that to yourself. If some family is toxic, then hanging around them, family or not, is not good for me.

Whatever works is for each person is great, but I think that just because someone is family, that does not give them carte blanche to treat other members badly. It also does not mean that I have to tolerate their behavior, either. I have attended some family functions, but I have chosen not to go to others. And the truth is, I actually get a knot in my stomach dealing with some of these people. So, I am supposed to sit around and just learn to put up internal barriers when the toxicity start?. No, that is not the answer for me. The answer for me is to love myself, by surrounding myself with and spending time with people who support me. If they are busy trying to tear me down, for whatever reason, then I need to limit my interaction with them.

Just my perspective, but it works for me. I am learning that the very best thing I have been doing for myself is deliberately choosing who gets to spend time with me.

Shar

Thank you for sharing your perspectives and for giving me much to think on. It is all helpful.

Something I've learned is that living in a vacuum, isolating myself from others, is not the way to learn how to detach. What I've learned is that 20 years goes by and I have no friends. Hiding in plain sight.

When asked: "What is forcing you to believe that being alone is bad, other than the habit of not being alone with yourself?" The habit, unfortunately, is that I have been alone/lived alone since 1996. That's 16 years. I eat alone. I do not have friends. No one calls me and says "Hey, let's get together!" All there is, is emptiness... And that is no way to live. Being alone, for me, is very bad. Talking to the TV is bad. Muttering to myself in public = bad.

For me: Alone is Not the same as "Voluntary Solitude." I thought it was. But what I find now is a whole lot of empty in me. Trying to force color into it on my own because I have no one to interact with.

I believe I learn by Interacting with Others. Not by listening to the spinning monologue in my head. However, the interactions I have are mainly with family members -- which is pretty "intimate" given that they've known me all my life. So when I realize I need to detox from them, because they judge me harshly, they tell me how to conduct my life, their treatment is abusive...

I realize that without them: I am completely alone. Not just alone with the TV.

In a void...

But when I interact with others, the same toxicity arises. So I figure, I am the problem.

I agree that sometimes we do need to learn how to stay in the room & learn to protect ourselves. And sometimes it's painful to interact. Sometimes it gets you fired.

I will check out those books and that website. Because I do not want to become the rambling, muttering old lady on the sidewalk or subway, that people look at askance and fear. I'm already doing some of that, when I catch myself. Sigh.

Like I'm doing here. Babbling.

If I can learn to detach without leaving the room, maybe I can learn to interact with people without getting fired. from a job. from a friendship. from life.

Thanks again for your advice.

Amelah, I like your last post. Ultimately,we are are all alone. We do learn from others. And no matter where we go or who we physically remove ourselves from, we are still with ourselves... My relationship with my mother used to be toxic. We could not be in the same room, I feel judged, ridiculed, criticized, etc. for me, the answer was not avoiding her, but dishing it back. Detaching from her behavior, and then giving her the same back. Not in a mean way, but kind of to show her not to do that to to me. Does that make sense? Sometimes interacting with people is like a game. I've learned to play her game. I criticize her right back now. And within minutes we are both laughing because of how silly it all is. I don't get mad at what she says to me, I just try to quickly come up with a good comeback. There aren't hurt feelings and it's actually made me stronger and I thank her for it now. The world can be cruel and sometimes family acts as a safe place to practice standing up for yourself. If you don't learn to dish it back, but always get upset then you will always be the one getting shit on. Because there will always be people out there looking to tear you down.
I know the empty shell feeling... I feel like for years all I was was a reactionary to everyone else. That's not a person though... Now that it's settled though, I am able to detach and look inside and respond differently.... Either with a joke or a comeback or a smile or whatever I feel like.
I hope I make sense... Good luck

I see detachment, not as leaving others although that sometimes happens ,but as 'detaching' from the thoughts and behaviors that go on in our heads when interacting with others or our families. It is detaching from the destructive ways of thinking that we engage in.

Amelah~I appreciate your post and know exactly where you are coming from. Shar's response hits it on the head for me. Unfortunately in my family, its all or nothing. If you don't want to participate in the toxicity, drama, judging, gossiping, fighting, etc...then you're ostracized until you just go away. Well go away is what I did. I think about my dad daily and wish we weren't at this point, but I finally made the realization there anything else I can do anymore. It's the same cast of characters and the only one willing to accept responisibility and change is me...the problem is that I'm not the only problem.
Its really getting difficult as they've manage to bleed our situation into other relationships I've had with family members. I have a sister that won't speak to me, don't even know why, my Grandparents won't either, don't even know why and the list goes on and on. Its really bumming me out.

boy, can I ever relate to beattiefan's reply...same here, that WAS the way my family was/is...don't know now as no one spoke to me after I brought up all the sexual abuse stuff. So...I left the 'family' my family was very toxic and i took on a lot of that toxicity which,thankfully, I have overcome a lot of, most I hope. It is a loss of a kind but eventually I came to see that 'family' isn't always biological. I find myself having realtionships with close people that call me family and I them even though we aren't related. In some ways this group on DS is 'family' as well.

What has helped me is being part of a Twelve Step group. Although I did not grow up in an alcoholic home, I might as well have - the dynamics were very much the same ("no feel" rules, enmeshment, emotional unpredictability, etc.) I have found a home in the rooms of Al-Anon, and whether it's there or in a CoDA fellowship near you, I encourage you to find a meeting and check it out.

Blessings on ya.

Wow, Arbe, what you said about detaching from thoughts & behaviors that go into my head ... I felt immediately freer... That's my new goal... detach from it .... see it... acknowledge it ... but don't let it wreck me. Of course, we'll see what happens when it's goes from theory to practice ;)

Beattiefan -- that's so sad, that you don't even know why family isn't talking to you anymore. I so relate to being ostracized because I'm not playing the expected role anymore. (I appreciate being reminded of this) And they don't like that I call them on their crap. So they punish me by pushing me further away.

Arbe -- family secrets are so toxic and destructive -- I don't need to tell you. As you discovered, blowing the cover off of their facade has made you their scapegoat to blame for their shame. I'm so glad you've found your true family amongst friends and people here.

1911: Yeah, I've dappled in 12 step. I agree, there's healing to be found there and learned some valuable things.

All of your insights and willingness to share really does help me in trying to figure out how to detach and become free of them, and free within myself.

Thank You.