I am taking breaks from my friends. They have just gotten really negative, especially in video call meetings.  Here we are, going on three years into this pandemic, and they still can't figure out how to log into a zoom meeting, and we were doing them weeklly for a while. I know that is mean and judgmental, but I think some of it might be intentional because some of them A: don't actually want to join B. Like the attention from appearing helpless/ unable to do things C. Dramatic.  Sorry to say, but after observing the dynamics over a year or so, some things started to emerge.

I am recovering from an illness and am very exhausted right now. I sleep many hours per day and can only do about a third of what I used to for the time being. It's hard enough to deal with the excessive and overwhelming negativity, the rages, the crying fits, and not now while I'm recovering for certain.  I'm not in the mood to deal with children. I told a slight fib today and said I was still out with my parents and could not make it (I was just getting home).  I was agonizing all week about whether to do this holiday "party" or not, but decided to give myself a break. Last year's was BAD.

I'm glad I did.  I saw the text chain, it was so predictable:  "I can't get into the meeting, will someone let me in?" (This happens every time and it might be on purpose now).  I dont' know what they would do if they worked remotely-they would not be able to keep the job. I've watched some of the text chains go on for 45 minutes-no one can figure out how to get into the zoom call after all this time.  Apparently the same thing happened today as I saw it on the text chain, and then someone had another meltdown and just couldn't join-again-this time it was because of her *other* cat-last time it was the first cat she was upset about.  I understand, I used to have a cat I loved too, but it's silly.  Silly because I was able to predict it to a T.  Was so nice after lunch to just come home and relax and not dial into this crap. I didn't feel like setting a negative tone for the week.  Lately phone calls are either, "No one wants to date me!!!"  "My life sucks!!"  

I've been in therapy for a while, and have been guilty of this behavior for certain. The goal of therapy is to improve my attitude and behavior.  I think I had an epiphany one evening last week when I came home.  I left my therapist's office, and she said, "positive begets positive."  I came home to the stark contrast, where I called my friend right after a therapy appt only to hear her wailing and screaming voice on how she has no prospects for dating, her life is so horrible and terrible, etc. and so forth. No one returns her call, this, that, the other thing...

I came to the conclusion that night that too much participation in negative relationships might neutralize the progress I am making in therapy. I am not seeing the point in spending the money to go and rework my attitude and have it adjusted, only to go right back and have it undone the following evening or day. 

I know that when I was in an abusive relationship I would do this.  I would go to therapy, feel better and resolved, then go home...and get hit again.  Unfortunately, I think this is similar.

My friends were not negative when I met them, but they have become pretty bad lately.  I don't have the willingness to listen to someone scream at the top of their lungs down the phone line, or wail or break down crying over something petty.  It has become extrordinarliy high maintenance.  Maybe it's Karma for my prior attitudes and behaviors.  I would have more sympathy/empathy if some of them didn't take active shots at me and attack me for improving my life. If they were just unhappy I would understand. But, I've noticed that when I've gone to make positive strides in my life, take care of my health/weight, make career advances, I get snide comments, etc. I am beginning to think the goal is to "keep me in my place."  It's like there is something wrong with putting on makeup, staying fit, or going back to college. It's almost like 'how dare you try, who do you think you are." Maybe I am overstating it, but sometimes it's a vibe I get, and I can't put a finger on it, and other time it's comments that have directly been said. They are supposed to be a "joke," but I don't think it's funny. Or maybe I'm taking it too seriously. 

One of our friends actually posted a long letter/announcement on Facebook in third person, with a picture of herself, entitled, "Here is the person I hate." And then went on to describe herself in third person and talk about how dramatic she was.  This turned me off. I didn't see anything redeeming in it, even if it was supposed to be honest, if that was the intention.  It came off as being an excuse, becuase she flies into rages lately and to be honest it's scary.  I also don't see what is to be gained from posting all of this on social media.

I just don't have it anymore to give.