In codependency we simply must learn to recognize the correct feeling and understanding the emotions correctly in order to take control of our own life.

What you are describing is called "Lust" and that lust is the thing which causes you the pain.

If you want to stop the pain then you have to control the lust.

One way is to just find another person to date and mate with.

And another way is to decide to take a break from any sex and then seriously take control over the painful passion.

Just trying to be helpful.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It hurts when someone you love treats you like that and when you have hope that gets crushed. It's worse the longer that this goes on for.

Honouring the feelings is important. I think describing yourself as a 'love' addict is accurate as the feeling that you have at the moment is an actual craving. I've had that feeling myself and I know how painful it is and how obsessivei t can make you. It's difficult to think of anything else. It's irrelevant whether you can or can't work things out with her later on... you need to get past that 'craving' feeling and let how you are when the craving has waned determine how you act.

Dating and sleeping with someone else might temporarily ease those feelings and certainly seeing someone else is a good distraction. However, by itself it won't be enough to remove that craving feeling. The best ways to deal with it are to keep as busy as possible with any activity, also to talk to a therapist or friend or on a forum like this as much as possible. when you have the craving feelings, just talking about it will help to alleviate them somewhat. Journal writing it useful also. Just write and write out all of your feelings on paper helps to take the edge off the craving.

There are other things too that you can do once you've started to address that feeling of craving and look deeper in terms of where the need comes from and become aware of that but for now just treat it like what it is, an addiction. Stay away, talk about it and distract yourself.

I don't agree that it's lust as that involves strong sexual desire, but I do believe you are experiencing intense love mixed in with codependency.

I think we all set boundaries in our lives, but some don't enforce them. Those boundaries are varied because we are each individuals. By keeping those boundaries, we can see red flags that alert us to relationships that are not healthy and mutually beneficial.

One of my boundaries has always been that cheating by a spouse/or boyfriend becomes a deal breaker and the relationship is done forever.

For me cheating destroys my trust that I have placed in my spouse and my marriage, it destroys my confidence I have placed in my spouse and my marriage, it destroys my faith I have placed in my spouse and my marriage, it destroys the family, and it opens me to the risk of STDs.

For me, cheating is outside my boundary, and it breaks and forever ends the relationship. I consider it a HUGE breach and a red flag that the person is incapable of honestly in a relationship with me as cheating involves major deception and lying. To me it shows a part of their character that I don't want in my life.

I believe your girlfriend showed her true self and her character when she cheated on you. I don't believe that cheating resolves any problems in the relationship and instead of cheating, she could have tried to pull together with you to discuss problems or even both of you getting therapy. But she didn't give the relationship a chance and went outside the relationship to someone else. That is not a good answer.

This is painful right now. It will take time. Please try to find a local divorce support group because they will be very helpful to you now even though you were not married. Also, try to do group activities like photography, art, book clubs, hiking, etc. to get you out among people and get your thoughts onto other avenues.

Please know it is difficult and it hurts right now, but won't hurt forever. Many, many hugs.

Thank you very much for your replies guys. I just need someone to talk to who understands how I feel. I feel so misunderstood by the people around me because they don't understand the life or death intensity of these feelings. I definitely have a severe craving for her. I understand how this happened, I understand how she became my caretaker and she didn't live up to my abusive expectations. Hindsight's a bitch like that Lol. My biggest fear is abandonment and hers is being smothered and losing herself. So we were continually triggering each other towards the end. When I needed her she would feel smothered and pull away which would then make me feel abandoned and it was like a continual game of cat and mouse. But she was a people pleaser and would have done anything to make me happy as she could never say no. This is why I was willing to forgive her infidelity because I understood how it got there and I was willing to change. But the damage was already done. And she is running/hiding from/avoiding any kind of pain/confrontation/guilt and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And as a love addicted and codependant control freak still very much in love with her, its unbearable

Booky - I don't believe that what I'm feeling is lust and I'm not planning to date anyone till I have my codependency issues under control because I know I will just repeat the same pattern. So I think taking a break from any sex is the best idea. Thanks for your time

AlanaLove - Thank you for understanding the craving and the obsessing because now I don't feel so crazy. Its just hard to get from one hour to the next right now when everything reminds me of her and I get so caught up on the bad feelings that I get hot and cold flushes and sometimes vomit. I have a great psychologist but its the in between times that make me panicky. I try to distract myself but its really hard on slow days at work to not get lost in these feelings and I've already had to have days off to try and cope and I feel very embaressed. Is there anything in particular that helped you?

AsTimeGoesBy - Thank you for your honesty. As hard as it is to hear I know my codependency has kept me from walking away after the cheating. But I guess I truly believe that if we were both healthy we would be great together. I guess thats what took me so long to step this far away. I refuse to be hurt anymore and I'm trying to hold onto the anger to keep my distance. I feel physically ill when I think of her with someone else so I know it is something that I shouldn't accept. I'm angry at her for ruining everything and I'm afraid its all unsalvageable now. she was my best friend for years before we got together so the thought of never having her in my life again terrifies me. I just don't know what to do anymore

I'm afraid it was mostly time that got me through it. I'd alternate from obsessing to be able to live through some kind of normal life and as time went buy there was less obsessing and more of a normal life. Spending time going out and doing new activities was the most helpful thing for me. I'd be so absorbed in the activities that I was doing that a fleeting thought might pop in but it would soon disappear. Of course, doing activities is a crutch since you can't permanently keep on moving. However, if you do other things for a while that you get absorbed in, you do find that naturally the feelings start to arise less. Other times, when at home, I would feel the pain that would literally seem as though it would kill me and let it pass through.

I used to have problems sleeping too and I needed to take sleeping pills or use relaxation CDs to help me sleep. Listening to guided meditations or CDs with the sound of waves or something like that can be really calming.

Sometimes though you just have to cry and scream and let it all come out and all the better if you can get a friend or family member occasionally to just hold you and pat your back while you do it. Often, you'll need to do a lot of this on your own and it is painful as hell but it needs to be felt. What you can do sometimes is imagine a really good feeling, like what it feels like to be in love or even just really happy and imagine that feeling within your body. This can feel nice and you can even go for an evening out and consciously decide to project this feeling.

I'd just like to add that in terms of the activities one thing I tried to do was sometimes pick activities which I would be scared to do or which were adventurous in some way, like wall climbing. You can actually end up reaching a point where between the crying and screaming you feel numb and the advantage of that numbness and desire to feel something other than the pain is that fear is at an all time low (at least this is the case of me). I think fear is an intense emotion but if you have another emotion which is more intense, fear seems manageable. If you do things you're scared of, it doesn't matter how numb you are, you end up feeling a sense of pride so you start increasing the good feelings.

NO one knows how you feel better than you. You really have to ignore anyone trying to tell you how you feel since only you can know your feelings.

You have expressed that you love this person perfectly clearly to me. I can't imagine why anyone would think it is NOT controlling to tell you how you feel OR think that you have no idea how you feel.
I hope you are not put off but such things because most of us realize that others come to talk honestly. There is no reason to pretend since you are totally anonymous here.

It sounds like you really care for this person.

Any break up, major change in life will cause grief. It feels like we are literally dying while struggling with grief. There are times when we wish we would die.

here is a web site explaining the stages of grief.
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html
Read it over and see if this could be helpful for you to get thru this.

She sounds really confused. I would let her be. The old saying, "If you love something let it go. If it comes back, it is yours forever. If it flys away, it was never yours in the first place." really is true.

AlanaLove - Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm hoping time will help but I wish I could just fast forward to six months in the future. But at the same time I'm petrified I'll still feel this way in six months time and I'll be stuck and pathetic and a failure. ive been good with activities over the last few months but since i found out she's with the other woman I'm afraid to go out now. My anxiety has skyrocketed because I'm always afraid I might see them out together and I have no idea how I would cope with that. I also find myself withdrawing from our mutual friends because having any ties with her at all is too painful.
A good friend gave me a meditation cd which I should probably start using. I'm still trying to adjust to a new routine and living without her. Getting up without her everyday kills me. I do scream and cry a lot and just try to let it all out when I'm home, I just have to learn to do it alone without expecting someone to come save me. I just really don't know how to be on my own and I feel like I'm gonna die when the I let the feelings in and just sit with them and feel them. Does your experience come from a relationship with a partner? if you dont mind me asking? I just don't know how to rebuild a life when I made her the centre of my world for so long

SunnyBunn - Thanks for taking the time to acknowledge my feelings. I still deeply care for this person regardless of how much she has hurt me. And that is the hardest part. Trying to reconcile the pain and the love is really hard. I've thought for a while now that what I'm feeling must be grief so I'll def be checking out your link. At the moment I feel like I have to stick with the angry feelings in order to survive. But I can't help feeling a small sense of hope in the back of my head that we may get it together. Its a lot smaller than it used to be but I have to admit its still there very deep down I guess I'm just trying to bury it to focus on me. I don't think I've ever truly understood the meaning of that saying till now, and I can't help praying that she will come back now I am letting go.

Yes. These feelings I describe come from my first love and a man I thought I would marry and have children with, several years back. The end of the relationship was not of my own choosing and was one of the most painful experiences that I have ever faced. No one journey of healing is the same - it's all unique. For me, it took a year after the break up to get over it. I went through the different stages of grief but in my case I think my healing was prolonged because I kept in contact with him and kept hoping and trying to get back together. Even then, when I say 'get over it', by that I mean I no longer obsessed about it. It was still painful to me in the moments I thought about it for another six months or so after that but by then it was manageable.

to get over someone, lol, get under/on top of someone, lol
No one that devoice went into marriage w out faceing reality,lol. ya they too said that their mate at time was their true love, their sole mate.
sorry I didn't candy coat that.
stop wollowing in mud. get up get moving. life stands still for no one.
next

When you say this,
At the moment I feel like I have to stick with the angry feelings in order to survive. But I can't help feeling a small sense of hope in the back of my head that we may get it together
It is a normal part of grief. Even when a loved one dies, we go thru being angry at them for leaving us, for us being left alone, and hoping that maybe is was really a very bad dream. It makes no sense because logically we know they are dead and gone. Yet, still we try to bargain with God to make it be untrue.

If you need to be angry, that is OK

Remember that nature, God, a higher power, whatever you believe in;; gave us these feelings to help us deal with lifes trials! The good and the bad are equally as trying. So trust yourself and let those feelings come and work them out. Stuffing them only makes them worse. I know. A sibling of mine is now housebound. This one says, Anger is a useless emotion. I refuse to be angry that mom let us.
GUESS in which stage this one is stuck.
Three guesses
Number one does not count
Number two does not count

Sorry, lame joke I know when you are feeling so down.

Let those feelings that you hope she will come back come up along with all the others. These are just feelings and feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just ARE!

Please feel free to keep coming and posting as often as you need to. There is a grieving group here at DS also. I dont know if they will respond to your loss as gracious as we do because they may be in anger and feel that you can still see this person while they are bereft of any hope. It is up to you which group you post in OR use both and take what you need and ignore any that is not helpful to you. (That is always good advice for everything.)

I am glad you came and happy to met such a gracious person who is polite in the midst of so much pain and grieving.
You are a welcome addition to the group.
Hope you feel better soon\
Sunny

AlanaLove - I too thought I would marry and have children with this woman (even though same sex marriage is not yet legal in aus, i still wanted a ceremony of some sort) and I had a whole future planned with her. This has been probably one of the hardest things to let go of as I feel like I no longer have a future anymore, like its been taken away from me. Well the last three months has been prolonging it I believe cause we did speak and I had every hope in the world that we could work it out. It just didn't make sense to be apart and I think I was in massive shock for most of it. It's still very surreal and I still go to text or call her sometime but it is fading slowly. But a little part of me doesn't want it to fade and still wants to hang on.
SunnyBunn - Thanks for the grief link, I read it and I think I'm feeling several of them at once. I wake up everyday and forget that were not together. I take presents for her to the counter at the shops before remembering I'm alone. I go to call her before bed and make mental notes during the day to tell her later then I realise I'm not gonna see her later. It's just so surreal. I do try to let the feelings flow at appropriate times and try to feel them and write a lot. But I have to admit that the worst thought for me is picturing her with someone else. I know I shouldn't be thinking it but I can't help picturing her touching and making love to someone else and sharing that intimacy with someone else. It makes me feel sick, madly jealous and and depressed. This thought in particular follows me around all day everyday and I can't shake that one and I don't know how to deal with it. Thank you for inviting me to post as often as I need. I've started looking forward to coming home from work and hearing back from you guys. Its a great way to deal in between my sessions and vent when I get home from work. Thank you for the compliments and making me feel so welcome. Oh and btw jokes are always appreciated no matter how lame :-)

I know all of those feelings only too well. It just feels like there is a huge hole and no one else can fill it. It feels that even if you do find another person it can never feel the same way, be as good, etc. At least, this was my experience. The truth is, I believe our feelings for each person we encounter in our lives will be unique... no relationship is the same and each one has the purpose of teaching us certain lessons. Here, it seems as though you have learned that you have great capacity to love and connect with others. Unfortunately, with that great capacity to love comes also the pain. You just have to do as many things that are in your best interests as possible and accept that sometimes you will fight against acceptance that it's really all over too.

Your thoughts are just things that your brain does while processing daily routines. It is pretty normal to have those thoughts about going home to her. So your brain is doing what it did before. Just now it naturally goes to thise things being with someone else. The hutrts!
Do your best no t to make it worse by thinkg you should nt be thinking.

Alanalove - I always had this superior feeling about our relationship, like our love was somehow greater and we were more in tuned to each other than other couples. I always felt so blessed to have found the love of my life so young. And apparently I was so very wrong and the embaressment and desperation is so hard to deal with. I still hope she will come back to her senses every day and come back to me. Hope seems to be my worst enemy right now. I do have this ginormous hole and I do feel like no other relationship will ever be as good or feel the same way, because of the intensity of my feelings for her and I guess also because of my capacity for love. I never knew how big it was till I fell in love with her. I literally smothered her away I loved her so much. I have moments of acceptance but most of the time I'm hanging by a thread, forever poised for something to change. Ty for still talking to me and helping me through this.

SunnyBunn - This is the most painful of all the thoughts I have and I try my hardest not to let it dwell. I let all the others flow freely when they come but this one is just too painful. I just don't know how to break out of that routine of coming home to her. The only thing I thought I was good at was loving her and somehow I wasn't enough.