Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I am new here. I recently realized through counseling that I am very codependent, and as a result I probably have 3 equally codependent adult children. How do I deal with the guilt about doing this to them? I have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to HELP them realize they might be codependent too, but I am realizing this is part of the problem - wanting to help and control all of the time. I feel like this is all my fault, although the counselor is helping me realize that the way my parents were as well as how my husband became an alcoholic are probably the reasons why I am this way. How does one move past or learn to deal with the guilt??
Your counselor knows much better than I do, but I would think the first thing is to realize that you did what you thought was right at the time. Every parent wants his/her kids to grow up to be generous, caring, and courteous. How could you have known that you possibly were teaching them to be codependent when you didn't know you were yourself?
I think of this a little bit like nutrition information. As a mother, you learned from the FDA about the food pyramid and that grains should be the primary part of a balanced diet. Only now, years later, do we know that this may have led to gluten allergies, Type 2 diabetes, etc. and that protein and veggies should be the emphasis. Does this mean that every mother who gave their kids sandwiches for lunch and spaghetti for dinner should feel guilty? Not at all.
I'm dealing with a similar situation in that my mother and sister are both codependent and I am in debate about what to tell them (if anything). I have not done anything yet, since my focus has to be on figuring out what my own path should be, but when the time is right i think i will probably give them the coda patterns of codependency and a link to where they can find a meeting near them. What they choose to do with that information will be their own business and not mine.
Good luck to you.