The first step and the most important part of standing up for our self is that we must have things that we really REALLY believe in.

A person who believes in nothing - will fall for anything.

The way that we make personal boundaries is by basing our boundaries on our own beliefs and on our values and on our own standards.

Throughout human history people have embraced their own perception of God, and that has been the traditional source of human boundaries.

The 10 commandments are just 10 boundaries.

The "Sermon on the Mount" by Jesus is a set of affirmations, which are just another form of human boundaries.

So too about the Buddha and Muhammad and all the saints, because they teach values and standards and thereby they gave humanity an assortment of very healthy boundaries.

You need to do your own research, and seek the truth for your self, and only accept what you your self believe to be true and truth.

But first you your self must decide for your self as to whatever you believe in, because only by your own belief and your own boundaries can anyone stand up for them self.

You avoid conflicts simply because you do not have any side to stand on.

What you describe is a very common dysfunction in codependency, and it certainly does come from growing up in a dysfunctional home.

You can overcome it, just as we all try to overcome it, and I say the treatment and recovery from codependency is the most rewarding and most powerful and the very best recovery possible in this world.

Here below is a link that I highly recommend:
http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/personalshared.html

It really does work.

Hi Mysteryman: Let me venture from the talk of religion and give you a site to go to that will give you info and actually gives you the CODA info at the bottom:

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/go/codependency

Mysteryman -

Welcome. You've taken the first step. You have recognized a pattern of submissiveness and fear of conflcit! Once you've opened that door, it should become difficult to ever go back and accept less than you deserve!

What works for me to change a behavior is finding books and articles on codependency, particularly I suggest you look for codependancy + compliance.

I also work with a therpist to help find the source of my patterns, which are always in our childhood. This is not to cast blame or play victim, but to understanding how we got here.

Generally, compliance -- like its counterpart control -- stems from lack of self worth. You "take it" because you don't believe you are worthy of respect.

Thus, the other tool I use that is very helpful is Daily Affirmations.You can find these online and at bookstores. Affirmations help us to tape over the messages in your head that say we are worthless, or the ones that tell you to avoid conflict at all cost...that if you don't acquiese, it will cause consequences like not being loved. But, as you know...giving in makes you feel lousy in the end!

There is WORK to be done and only you can do it - one day at a time. No magic pills, just working the 12-steps of condepency one day at a time! It works if you work it!

Try going online and search "coda meetings" to see if there are any near you.

Best of luck. You ARE worth it and you need to say that over and over.

Hi Mysteryman,

This is something that I have been able to work on with some good results and some recovery. It is not easy.

Booky's reference to our beliefs was part of it for me. Not in the sense of my religious beliefs, which have not changed significantly, but in the sense of some irrational beliefs that I formed growing up. For example, "Saying no is not acceptable." Another one, "Disagreement, or setting boundaries equals anger and confrontation."

I have since reframed my thinking and neither of those beliefs is true for me any more. In fact, when I let go of the idea that saying "no" to a request was somehow wrong, so many things just dissolved away. I was frustrated and angry because I felt so put upon by others. And the more I did, the more they asked. And the more they asked, the more angry and frustrated I became, but still did not take care of myself, by setting boundaries.

I kind of hit rock bottom with stress and frustration over the amount of work I was doing for so many organizations and still they kept asking. I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. That is when I started saying, "no". I felt embarrassed to say it, uncomfortable, but I did it anyway.

The more I started making choices and controlling what I was doing, the better I felt. I am telling you, it is so uplifting to my spirit and well-being, to take back my power. Instead of blaming others for asking me (which I did, constantly), I now think about what they are asking, and say "no" when I want to. And I have had to face it over and over again.

It is human nature to ask people who are people-pleasers or compliers, because they usually say "yes." But the yes is often because we are not treating ourselves as equally as valuable as the asker. We are second to anyone else.

I would say, think about what you actually want, and take a look at what you tell yourself about situations.

One other thing, you have the right to make a decision about yourself, and if someone else is disappointed or angry about it, it is their problem and not your responsibility. For example, I was asked to take on the Treasurer's position at my church. It is a big job (I am Assistant right now) and there are two more meetings per month required. And I have already about five meetings a month I am committed to attend. So, I told them, I will do it, but I do not want to attend more meetings on a regular basis. If that is required, they need to find someone else. Now, it is up to the church leaders. If they want me to do it, it needs to be within my own schedule. If they can't live with my boundaries (for me) then I will happily stay on as Assistant.

But what I did not do (and I am so happy with myself on this) is just agree to what they wanted out of guilt, or those types of feelings. I thought about it, and said, no, you cannot take on two more meetings a month. And then I was just honest about my feelings on the whole thing to those who asked me. And at least two of them seem to feel that they are willing to meet my requirements in order to have me do the job. I will see how it all shakes out. But this is so much better than just agreeing to every whim and request of anyone in the Universe.

Good Luck,

Shar

As a child, standing up for yourself was NOT OK. If you did, you were most likely punished either physically or WORSE emotionally. Eventually, you learned that you and your desires and feelings have little or no meaning.

There is much research these days that lessons learned early (many before age 5) are the deepest rooted and most difficult to change.
The way to adjust these is to simply notice things:
**First, notice that (past tense) you ignore your desires to avoid conflict
**next you realize just after that you ignored yourself
**next, you realize while you are actually ignoring yourself,
**then you realize just before
**eventually you realize in time to change your mind
**last, you automatically pay attention to your desires and needs regardless of others opinions
Do NOT judge, just NOTICE. Judging reinforces the negative pathways. Noticing allows your brain to build positive pathways that eventually activate to help you BEFORE violate your boundaries.

Having a long list of rules is really focus on negatives. Noticing really does work to let your powerful brain rebuild itself to protect you.

The CODA website was good.

I think that all of this information is good; many faiths have good ideas in them if you disregard the dogma and just focus on the theraputic parts. I, for example, sometimes study the Gita on detatchment.

As we are all learning and growing here, let us take what we like and leave the rest.

Good luck,
CH

Thanks everyone

Take what works for you and ignore the rest. We are al.walking the same journey as you. That makes us all on a level playing field