I hate how hard it is to just move on from the past, the bad, and move forward for me. My ex and I broke up, and we go back and fourth with being in contact then going no contact. We both did some pretty mean things to each other, but it doesn't warrant the names he always calls me. He says his anger is under so much control; then he gets upset and calls me a nasty name. He has called me this so much, it has almost lost it's meaning. I have never been called so many horrible, nasty names by somebody who I loved and claimed to love me so much. It just reverts me in my process of healing. I have self esteem issues and am codependent on my ex for my happiness. He makes me miserable yet I love him. I feel like I will never escape this viscious cycle; I get so sad when we stop talking, then I'm happy when we start talking, then he is mean and I get sad again. I just want to start my healing. I want to meet a nice guy who treats me with respect and stop wondering if he will ever change so we can have the life we both talked about before this all started happening. I just want to be happy.