Him blaming you is his way of controlling you, and the only thing that works is to start accepting the full blame and stop fighting it and stop fighting him.

It is okay to accept the blame because nobody will believe it is your fault, and if you start accepting all the blame THEN in time even he will stop blaming you because even he will see that it is not your fault.

This is like reverse psychology except it is reversing the feelings, and it works.

Him blaming you feels like an insult or humiliation only when we internalize the words, when we stop internalizing the words then you will see that it is only his dysfunction and no need to get upset by it.

Maybe it's time to just look at him and say, it's true, you really are a "dick" and then walk away from him.

It pretty well says it all.

I agree with Astimegoesby. I also agree with Booky that it is a form of control. I hope you can get to a calm place soonest...emotionally and maybe physically too.He really does sound to me like a Narcissist and other things I won't say on here.
many hugs to you Pl
rick

Please go to this site and read:
http://www.speakoutloud.net/category/crazymaking

This is his way of controlling you. Again, nothing that you do will "fix" this. He will continue to twist and change and edit you while you cooperate with him doing it until there is literally nothing left of the real you.

What he is doing is called "crazymaking". It does not matter what you do at all. He will always choose to take the opposite, change the rules, move the goal posts, anything to make you wrong. His ONLY driving desire is for you to be WRONG. So no matter what you do OR do NOT do, this will only continue to be worse and worse.

Sadly, taking all the blame will do NOTHING! He will then just accuse you of lying about being to blame. This is a game that you can no longer win!

He certainly does not seem to be interested at all in actually creating a real relationship. He is interested in control and power. The odd thing is that once these controllers get their victims to the point they want, they will then toss the victims out. They tire of the game the moment everything is working to their advantage. They enjoy the drama and attack.

SO taking the blame, NOT taking the blame,
trying to explain, remaining mute
yelling and screaming, being totally quiet and demure
All these things are not effective AT ALL!

You are NOT to blame for his behavior. He is an adult male who can choose how he acts, reacts, and behaves every moment of the day. He just will never get this fact - ever!!!

It sounds like this situation in totally untenable. It is time to plan your exit strategy. Do NOT tell him anything about your plans. That only gets women killed by their abusers.

Please, call your local women's shelter or gov help group. You need local help to get to a safe place where you can heal and start a real life.

Sunny

These sorts of abusers tend to escalate when their victim shows any signs of strength by setting boundaries or playing the "game". The very last thing that you want to do at this point is to try and one up him with any sort of behavior. Such things will only aggravate his attempts to control you. Do nothing that is not 100% truth. He is not stupid. He will notice if you suddenly decide to agree with everything he say, or accept that you are to blame for his behaviors. Such lies are very obvious and will only escalate this abuse.

DO NOT make light of this danger. He is already threatening to abandon you financially. It is a short step to putting his hands on you because you try to frustrate him by telling lies in order to twist him into what you want. Also, that is simply control. Nothing will be gained by stooping to his level in trying to control him.

He is NOT going to magically "get it" if you choose to go along with everything he says. He will just become more angry because you will be lying to him. Lies are no way to try and "fix" a relationship. He has been playing this game his whole life. You don't know enough to play well enough to hide the fact that you are playing. That will only put you in more danger.

You really need help from professionals.

It is not just a matter of accepting the blame, as then you stop blaming him at the same time.

If you are telling him that any problem is his fault then you are blaming him.

By accepting the blame your self then you stop the entire blame game and it comes to an end.

There is not use in putting the fault or blame on him even if he deserves it, because you need to just start moving onward.

It truly does not matter who gets blame or who is at fault, because the only thing that matters is - what shall you do next?

You can not accept the "blame" for his behavior. NO WAY, NO HOW!
That is saying that you live in HIS SKIN and force him to behave in any way shape or form.

This is totally impossible. There simply is NO WAY that you can force him to do ANYTHING at all. NOTHING he does is YOUR FAULT. So saying that you are to blame is nothing but excusing himself for his rotten mean snake behavior.

I am glad that you see that part. Do NOT accept any blame for anything that you do not control 100%. He has choices to do as he pleases. Choosing to accept that you are to blame for anything that he does is paramount to saying that you somehow walk in his skin and move his body with YOUR brain.
That is simply insane!
Anyone who suggests that another person can control someone most likely has either some mental problem or is only interested in watching others suffer and being abusive. There simply is no way that you can be at fault for his choices.

This is called blaming the victim. It is a vicious method of mental abuse and every single person who tells you that you can be blamed for their behavior or should accept blame for others behavior is interested in ONLY abuse. They enjoy seeing others be abused and confused. It is a heinous crime against humanity and respect for others. The spread of such ideas leads to crime, victimization, slavery, and all sorts of abuse. All lies are abuse.

Never believe or accept such lie!

Possum, I just followed your questions and members' replies from your first post to now and I am concerned for you. If I missed that you have already done this then I apologize but please get in with a therapist immediately. I mean you and you alone. When you are in a better place then you can decide what you want to do with your marriage. A professional trained and specializing in codependency will help you deal with the crisis you are in.

I found this statement on the internet and am curious what you think. "The codependent may be addicted to another person. In this interpersonal codependency, the codependent has become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self - personal identity - is severely restricted, crowded out by that other persons identity and problems."