Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I just snapped at a good friend of mine on facebook. I really only post on facebook if I have something inspirational or I want to vent. So I made a venting post. It wasn't nasty or anything. It just said "I appreciate many people's inspirational posts of love and support for others. However- I'm not going to change my facebook post everytime I see one. So please consider this my blanket re-post to all of the inspirational messages I read that demand I repost it on my page while at the same time telling me they know I won't repost it." Then I commented on it and said that it wasn't directed to anyone in particular and it wasn't. I read so many of them. Anyway- one of my really good friends posted "BLAH BLAH BLAH." And it infuriated me- like it always does when anyone shuts me up in any way shape or form. And since he's such a good friend I let it go the first time. I laughed it off and made a comment. Then he posted it again. Same fury. But still let it go b/c he's such a good friend. Then again! That's right- 3 times he posted it. I was livid. Like- if you don't want to read my opinions then ignore my posts. Its never ever funny- like never, ever ever to shut me up.
When I was a kid both my parents shut me up on a regular basis. From a very early age my ma used to get this nasty snobby tone of voice and roll her eyes whenever I said something she didn't like- which was often. I was a lot like my dad- dark. She never really cared much for that. So I was Daddy's little girl until about 12 when him and my ma moved back in together and he started beating the shit out of her (mentally). So I spoke up- and guess what happened? Yes- every chance he got he'd shut me up. The way I see it- everyone in my family thought I was the greatest thing in the world until I developed an opinion and then that love and support seemed to go right out the window. No one in my family missed a chance to tell me how ridiculous I was. B/c if I was crazy- then they never had to face their mistakes. It was a good deal for all of them. I got screwed- but I guess that's life.
Anyway- so that explains my fury at it. But how do I make it stop? I mean its never going to be okay to shut me up and it really shouldn't be. But when it happens from someone I care about I turn into a helpless little girl who can't defend herself. Then I bite someone's head off when they might have made a simple mistake. I don't want it to be all or nothing. I want to be able to respect and uphold my own boundaries without either shutting up and swallowing it OR flipping out and losing my cool. But I have no idea how. Any thoughts and suggestions would be much appreciated.
When I was a kid both my parents shut me up on a regular basis. From a very early age my ma used to get this nasty snobby tone of voice and roll her eyes whenever I said something she didn't like- which was often. I was a lot like my dad- dark. She never really cared much for that. So I was Daddy's little girl until about 12 when him and my ma moved back in together and he started beating the shit out of her (mentally). So I spoke up- and guess what happened? Yes- every chance he got he'd shut me up. The way I see it- everyone in my family thought I was the greatest thing in the world until I developed an opinion and then that love and support seemed to go right out the window. No one in my family missed a chance to tell me how ridiculous I was. B/c if I was crazy- then they never had to face their mistakes. It was a good deal for all of them. I got screwed- but I guess that's life.
Anyway- so that explains my fury at it. But how do I make it stop? I mean its never going to be okay to shut me up and it really shouldn't be. But when it happens from someone I care about I turn into a helpless little girl who can't defend herself. Then I bite someone's head off when they might have made a simple mistake. I don't want it to be all or nothing. I want to be able to respect and uphold my own boundaries without either shutting up and swallowing it OR flipping out and losing my cool. But I have no idea how. Any thoughts and suggestions would be much appreciated.
I empathize with your struggle when you feel someone is trying to shut you up. My parents are the same way as yours....as long as I agree and keep my mouth shut....it's all good...the second I disagree or voice an opinion, thought, or feeling....it's hell. I've come to the realization that its their way of trying to control and when it doesn't go as planned they literally have a temper tantrum. My feeling on that is...OK fine. Go for it....waste your own time acting that way. I grew up telling myself that my thoughts/feelings don't matter. I now know better that they may not matter to them or anyone else, but they matter to me....and that alone is validation enough! I'm not saying its any easier now to tell someone, especially someone I care about, how I'm honestly feeling but I force myself to do it. I also force myself to be as diplomatic as possible...otherwise I would lose my cool and start yelling which makes the other person turn their hearing right off and makes me seem completely out of control.
wonder what would happen if you told your friend (very calmly) I'm sorry if my posts bore you, but if that the case just don't read them. That way I don't have to read your posts that upset me. Think he/she could handle that? I bet they could!!
I have reconnected with so many people and some have even made amends to me from being high school bullies!! Really lifted my spirits!
Beattiefan: What you said about forcing yourself to tell people when they upset you- that makes a lot of sense. That's what I need to do. I grew up with SO many people that had such a HUGE problem with who I was as a person. So somewhere along the line I got it in my head that no one was ever going to respect my boundaries. My mother, father, my ex-best friend, men I've been with, my grandparents- it felt like everyone I knew- would all tell me how awesome I was and how much they loved me until I dare disagree with them or speak out to let them know they hurt me- then they turned into the devil. So when someone who I love shuts me up I feel like- "Shit- not you too!" Like our relationship just ended b/c you just showed me that I really mean nothing to you.
My brain knows that's not true. But every part of me feels so betrayed when I get shut up. Like- Dammit- you tricked me! You've acted like you were my friend this whole time and then the second I say something you don't like you lose it. That's not a friend of mine.
But what I'm starting to realize is that some of the things I do come accross wrong to others and I hope they let me know I upset them so I can apologize. I wouldn't want someone who I've been friends with for years to be hurt by something I said and not mention it to me and just internalize it. So I need to struggle through the angst I feel when I get shut up and let the people I love and who love me know what's up. I don't seem to have a problem with the people I don't care about- if they shut me up then I just tell them to shut up. But I have this level of fear when I say it to people I care about. Like they are just going to say- okay- she was cool when she didn't say much- but now its gone too far. Thr truth is that people might see it that way- and if they do- then they are absolutely not meant to be a part of my life and I need to accept that. But they might be really understanding and apologetic- And I'll never know unless I speak up. I can't expect people to read my mind. And I can't go around assuming everyone's going to be like my fucked up family b/c then everyone will be. I'll draw people like that to me.
Healthy boundaries is an ongoing struggle for me. And being vulnerable has also never been easy. But I'm getting there- one day at a time. Thanks again for your input.