Codependency Support Group
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Arrrgghh... I am PMSing so I am attempting to take all of it with a grain of salt that my feisty self is just easily irritated.
However, in the last couple weeks I have been sharing my stories about Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde at my work with my mom. I have not given her the dirty about me crushing out on Dr. Jeckyl....
in fact the crush is gone so now it would be a mute point. I swear that was a weird moment or momentary lapse of reason, I plead insanity for that week....
However, I have been sharing the distressing issues that have been going on with regards to Mr. Hyde on my project and the problems it has been causing for me, etc.
I would obviously drown this site and probably break it if I were to share everything that is going on at work so I pick and choose here a little bit.....I mainly read what seems to be calling out, and find most of the time I don't need to share, I need to read what others are sharing and relate it to myself and take the wisdom ya'll share on here.......you all are some smart folks....so riddle me this....
Why is it EVERY time I start sharing with my mom she will listen, give me some cursory review of her thoughts on the matter for about 5 minutes, and then immediately attribute it to her own issue/problem and then we end up talking about her situation for the next 20-45 minutes, then go even further when I am semi distracted when she is discussing it says "oh I guess you don't want to listen to this right now" all Passive Agressive....which just adds total insult to injury. I have been told by MANY MANY MANY people how generous I am with my listening, validating, giving uplifting and heartfelt words to comfort, cheer on, etc. from her, my friends, co-workers and extended family members....but I just feel at times she especially takes advantage of this. There is a level of believing she is bored and just wants to feel "included" as if she has similar drama's....but they do not even feel on the level whatsoever.....nor do they relate to what i am talking about. So then I am listening with resentment and feeling frustrated because I am still having my issue to sort thru since I didn't get any comfort from the conversation......arrrggg, waaaaaahhhh, boooooo ya this is how it is feeling.
.......she is my mom and we have had alot of issues over the years and they are all remediated and we have been doing really good....but hot damn if this does not get under my skin (I evidentially become a cowgirl when I am PMSing).
ANYWAY, how can I navigate thru this....I mean for crying out loud the lady is 72, we probably don't have alot of time left together....she is starting to loose her memory and it is showing....so do I just not say anything and suck it up....I almost feel like I am answering my own question writing this out.....but my god I want to literally scream when she does it, and this week it has felt exceptionally irritating (PMS anyone??)
Ok.....give me your best people.....do I need Midol, with a side of shut the hell up, or do I have a valid situation going on here?
Feeling better writing it......thanks guys :)
However, in the last couple weeks I have been sharing my stories about Dr. Jeckyl and Mr Hyde at my work with my mom. I have not given her the dirty about me crushing out on Dr. Jeckyl....
in fact the crush is gone so now it would be a mute point. I swear that was a weird moment or momentary lapse of reason, I plead insanity for that week....
However, I have been sharing the distressing issues that have been going on with regards to Mr. Hyde on my project and the problems it has been causing for me, etc.
I would obviously drown this site and probably break it if I were to share everything that is going on at work so I pick and choose here a little bit.....I mainly read what seems to be calling out, and find most of the time I don't need to share, I need to read what others are sharing and relate it to myself and take the wisdom ya'll share on here.......you all are some smart folks....so riddle me this....
Why is it EVERY time I start sharing with my mom she will listen, give me some cursory review of her thoughts on the matter for about 5 minutes, and then immediately attribute it to her own issue/problem and then we end up talking about her situation for the next 20-45 minutes, then go even further when I am semi distracted when she is discussing it says "oh I guess you don't want to listen to this right now" all Passive Agressive....which just adds total insult to injury. I have been told by MANY MANY MANY people how generous I am with my listening, validating, giving uplifting and heartfelt words to comfort, cheer on, etc. from her, my friends, co-workers and extended family members....but I just feel at times she especially takes advantage of this. There is a level of believing she is bored and just wants to feel "included" as if she has similar drama's....but they do not even feel on the level whatsoever.....nor do they relate to what i am talking about. So then I am listening with resentment and feeling frustrated because I am still having my issue to sort thru since I didn't get any comfort from the conversation......arrrggg, waaaaaahhhh, boooooo ya this is how it is feeling.
.......she is my mom and we have had alot of issues over the years and they are all remediated and we have been doing really good....but hot damn if this does not get under my skin (I evidentially become a cowgirl when I am PMSing).
ANYWAY, how can I navigate thru this....I mean for crying out loud the lady is 72, we probably don't have alot of time left together....she is starting to loose her memory and it is showing....so do I just not say anything and suck it up....I almost feel like I am answering my own question writing this out.....but my god I want to literally scream when she does it, and this week it has felt exceptionally irritating (PMS anyone??)
Ok.....give me your best people.....do I need Midol, with a side of shut the hell up, or do I have a valid situation going on here?
Feeling better writing it......thanks guys :)
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Its hard because it seems you need your mom for support and she just isn't there for you. This can be really hard for as her daughter. It also stinks when you have to spend your time around people that don't make you feel good or seem to take interest and care, when you make an effort to be so caring. I think thatI'm pretty sure that our parents don't do things to intentionally hurt us but they do. I know that first hand.
I think the only truth we can cling to in these circumstances is to build up our defenses in allowing other people to dictate how we feel in any situation. I wish there was an easier answer, but if you are putting energy into nurturing others, you need to put equal energy into nurturing yourself. Going to the same people in your life and expecting different outcomes is something I'm a pro at! Your post makes me think that maybe I too need to be more proactive in caring of for me and not expecting things from people who can't give it, The solution isn't easy other than to find things that uplift us and make us feel loved, strong and cared for outside of our relationships with people. I think when we do this, it really strengthens us for those times when we are around the most selfish frustrating people or people that don't seem to get us because we are confident in our own right, Its a lot easier to accept people when you don't need anything from them. I think you have to separate yourself from those expectations and you can find a lot more joy, Many people cannot be anything other than what they are..they are not yet in the place we are of trying to change and grow and we really don't know their inner struggles.
I am really talking to myself as I write this and thank you for sharing. I am getting ready to visit my family after 4 years. we talk often but they drive me completely insane because they are not accepting, or caring in the ways I need, So i am preparing myself to have a joyful visit with them because I do love them and care for them. I just don't want to feel the rejection and have it bring me down. I know I really need to strengthen my belief in myself , to be my own best friend..so when i see them I don't let their actions effect me so strongly. I also have to remember that they are not who I want them to be and try to accept that. Its a tall order and i am getting really anxious hoping I can be centered and focused enough to have the best outcomes.
Blessings to you and I hope you find some peace with this issue
1. If she's getting fuzzy, that's not normal at 72. Take her to the doctors. We should live into our 100s...
2. When she interrupts, just kindly say, "Wait, Mom, I'm not finished telling MY story yet. I promise, I'll come back to your issue, but I need to get this all out..." If she balks, tell her that you'll have to find another sounding board.
3. Do you have siblings? Have they noticed this, too? Has it gotten worse? Has she always been like this?
Again, talk to her and take her to the doctor.
And keep venting away here, since we can't interrupt you! : D
Great words :)
DeliAnnem ya I have two sisters from her (more siblings from my dad) and I think they are starting to see it, they don't live close but it is becoming distinct for sure. I don't know that we are at the doctor level yet, plus our family is funny about doctors period...so taking her to a doctor will be like pulling teeth...so I will wait until it seems dire...uggh.
Anyway......I think it was a moment of frustration and I just need to in the future lower my expectation that she can actually listen to me and maybe save the sharing for after I have already with my other friends who are way more supportive in this arena. This way she will hear the stories, feel involved and by that point I wouldn't need anything from her as I have been validated by someone else so her input, if it were only cursory, would then feel like a bonus :)
Anyway......feeling better about it.....that is the good news!