Thank you for sharing. Alanon is deigned for people like you. It would Really help you a lot.

I loved my therapist too. Welcome to the group,hugs

It took me a long, long time to leave my alcoholic husband. When I finally did, I thought of it as my "rock bottom" with him. I don't know if it's like this for everyone, but perhaps you just haven't hit that rock bottom yet. I reached a point where any guilt or fear about the future was less than the pain of staying.

You may be interested in an e-book called "The Alcoholic Relationship Survival Guide" from a site called empoweredrecovery.com. That really helped spur me to leave. The way the author described being in an alcoholic relationship made me realize my situation was no different than anyone else's and that it would just get worse by staying.

Here is a DS support group too

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/wives-of-alcoholics

Thank you mirandac and 11Christmcases for taking the time to read and reply to my story.

I have joined the Wives of Alcoholics group too but at the moment I feel like my struggle is more with my own issues of codependency rather than the alcoholism only.

I've come to realise a pattern of codependency that I've followed all of my adult life. The relationship I was in before this marriage went pretty much the same way, and I had a difficult time getting out. That was no clean break and my partner has come to haunt me at several occasions over the years, and I let that happen, because I felt I deserved it for leaving when it became too messy to survive in.

And that's what scares me now too. If I do gather the strength to leave, who is to say I won't be pulled back and give in to false promises of improvement and a better life? After all, I have come to realise my biggest weakness is people needing me. I go all out to help anyone who asks for it, I don't remember ever saying 'no' when asked for help, even if it was uncomfortable for me to help. I've realised my sense of self-worth comes from other people and I get terribly anxious when I can't do what people ask of me. And that's just people...siblings, friends, employees, bosses... even people I may not be particularly fond of.

When it comes to my husband, I am just so so scared that I'll give in. My marriage has been terrible from the start. There's been no trust, no real intimacy and I stuck around pitying his problems and thinking I could fix them. Yes, now I know I can't fix them. And that I should leave.

But how do I work on myself to ensure that when he cries and begs me to not leave or makes temporary changes to prove he's improving, I don't give in? Because all my life I've programmed myself to believe people. Here my emotions and my future is in the mix too. It'll be so easy to believe the charming promises that made me marry him in the first place. I don't trust myself.

I'm scared that if I don't work on myself and this pathetic need to be nice and giving at the cost of my well-being, I might get trapped into coming back. I'll rationalize it to myself like I have a hundred times, and i'll come back. And then I may never even reach the place I am at currently...because my husband and his family are a bunch of dysfunctional manipulative people and they'll try their darnedest to put on a show until I can never leave again.

11Chistmases, thank you for the book suggestions. I will make sure I read it. I need all the help and guidance I can find right now.

Do whatever is in your own best interest. I
Myself needed Alanon plus therapy.

I loved my marriage counselor and my
Own therapist but i still needed much
More help and i needed to do the hard
work to change, grow, heal and to fix
me Especially about my spouse.

I still struggle with how i feel Post divorce
after 30 year marriage and he was dry too
The whole time. These kinds Of relationships
get very twisted up. We get Sick too in a
different way.

Most of us come from it or some form or we
Would never have found them or married
Them. Normal people would not have given
them a second thought.

Codependents find narcs, addicts and other
Emotionally unavailable people. Until we fix
That part of us we can just go out find another
one.. Its a very deep issue with no easy and
simple Answers, HUGS

The fear, anxiety, and guilt are the codependent part of you. Find the healthy part of you and jump ship, get out. Save yourself, no one else is going to do it. I recognize your behavior in my own behavior so I am being pretty blunt. Don't wait until the trauma of this marriage destroys your happiness 100%. At some point we have to decide to love ourselves first and best (not in a narcissistic way) and meet our own needs with healthy behavior. All we know is the unhealthy and dysfunctional behavior but now is the time to choose self love. Best wishes to you.

GDee,

Everything you wrote, I think resonates with everyone on here. We all have felt, still feel everything you've have written. It's like this thing that we can't seem to rightly describe...some of us wanna call it the SoulMate Effect, some of us wanna call it LOVE...and well...what it really is is called ADDICTION. You are addicted to your husband. Hey..I've been there. It absolutely sucks...but a good run of him being kind and nice is like no other feeling right?

GDee you have a few great things going for you right now! You have support. I am very happy to see this. Your friends, family, and doctors! There are no kids to fight about and you have financial freedom! These are all REALLY REALLY GOOD THINGS! Use these things to your advantage. The ball is in your court.

Your mind knows what is right, but it's actually your brain and your body which is addicted to the highs and lows of your relationship. As my therapist puts it and material I have read, along with my own experience...you're like a crack addict for your ex.

Why can't you find the strength to leave? Girl...I've been there..I gave this man lik 400 chances. He deserved 1. I have had nights where I swore to myself this is the last night I'm going to stay here...and the next day as I woke up...I lost my resolve and fire.

It was easier to just pretend nothing happened and carry on...and carry on I did. I was so filled with anxiety, depression, and worry...about the details of leaving (on top of the anxiety, depression, and issues he was giving me) and what my family would think...and all these things that I would have to change about my life...that I just....quit on myself. This was what I had become use too...I can handle this toxic life...but change I couldn't do.

(HINDSIGHT: TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF IS SOOOO MUCH EASIER THAN TAKING CARE OF A NEEDY GREEN MONSTER WHO DIDN'T APPRECIATE YOU. Yes i know it hurts, that they don't appreciate you...but didn't you know Green Monsters don't appreciate people unless they two handles of vodka attached their their fists LOL)

We all want too...but by the time it gets so horrible and everything and everyone is screaming for us to get away...we have lost all the drive, the self esteem, the courage, and the strength to do so.

Because they took all that away from us, and for some of us...we willingly gave it all away for their "love".

You can't leave...because you lost your willpower, your self esteem, your confidence, your desire to self protect, your desire for happiness, and everything great about you before you met this person.

So what now? You're still fucking there GDEE. Just a bit suppressed. You find that fire inside of you again. You think about a time in your life where you felt the most courageous. The most powerful. The most loved. Even if it's small, count it. You just told your story (anonymously don't freak out you're safe lol) to over 2,000 members on this site and are going to help thousands of others because of it. THAT'S PRETTY FUCKING BRAVE GDEE! Give yourself the credit for that feeling too. It's empowering.

Next you need to educate yourself about the addictive components of your relationship. This hot and cold behavior he does, causes traumatic bonding...negative bonding...but it still produces dopamine and other feel good brain chemicals. So when he's nice..it's like getting crack.

Yeah..I know the feeling...omg...he's taking me to dinner after ignoring me for two weeks (inside I felt like I won a million dollar lottery...but in reality it was after I had purchased $4,000,000 worth of tickets). You get that fucking high.

That's what I lived for. I knew that after he exploded or did whatever shitty thing he did...there would be a makeup period. So you have to decide GDEE...Do I want to live the rest of my life like a crack addict waiting for the makeup period? Or do I want to take a chance...free myself of misery...and possible be with someone why might be nice to me ALL THE TIME? (i know that seems like a fantasy now). Or hey? Maybe I can be by myself...and treat myself pretty awesome?!

I would google, "why do I miss my abusive ex (I know he's not your ex yet, but those articles will describe the addictive components you're feeling).

You have to remind yourself...you feel the way you do, bc you're addicted.

The anxiety, depression is all from knowing that you possibly will miss out on this person who can make you feel so high and then so low.

So, GDEE...remember how great you are...and if it takes a few hundred tries..keep doing it. Look up stockholm syndrome, traumatic bonding, and missing an abusive ex. Stop giving a shit about what he thinks about you. THEY WILL KEEP YOU FEELING DOWN, TO KEEP YOU AROUND. That's cult leader, psycopath, narc abuse, abusers in general, mean people behavior in general.

I thought i was the dumbest, ugliest, and most unworthy person in that relationship. I am ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THESE THINGS. Neither are you or ANYONE ELSE READING THIS. They will say whatever to keep you low, even tell you the most absurd things. THEY ARE THE DUMB, UGLY, AND MOST UNWORTHY ONES. NOT YOU!

Educating yourself is key..don't fall into the trap of developing empathy for his situation and why he's an abuser...etc...bc you've already given him all the empathy of 20 people. Stop feeling sorry for him and saving him.

NOW IT'S TIME TO GIVE ALL THAT ENERGY TO YOURSELF!

Sending you support and good vibes!!! You're not alone, and we all have walked in your shoes.

Thank you for the personal message you sent me, it made my day!

FLEUR2000 :)

Welcome aboard GDee. I support you going to a real time AlAnon group as some will have stayed and some will have left, but there will be some long term recovery there. For me, loyalty and making a commitment was a big piece that would keep me in a really bad relationship. I had to learn that when an alcoholic (active or dry) breaks the rules, the deal is no longer valid on my part. Healing hugs on this journey.

@GDee..I swear you just wrote my story of the last six years except we are not married but lived as through we were/are but I'm trying to stay strong enough to break away and make him feel as though he is ending things because he is in control. In his mind he is the only person that can end things, you are under his spell. Once you become a needy person that cries and whines and nag and start saying no they first try pulling you in deeper with manipulation and giving you everything you wanted and needed and then once he has you right where he wants you to be he will discard you because he no longer needs you! You are now weak and needy and that is unacceptable and that is where I am...its a daily struggle but you have to put yourself, your wants and your needs first the same way he has for the entire relationship. Remove yourself as a pawn from his game of chest and stop letting him mind f*** you! The real him is the evil in your head trying to control your mind, the imposter captured your heart and is playing on your need to be needed. Stop making him look good, like he's the man and he is unstoppable and you are just his little show piece that's crazy and ain't going no where...I'm sorry I think I started venting and talking about my own situation..umm...im sure you understand where I'm coming from...

Great advice from Fleur2000 and I don’t have much more to add .

I’ve only had one short term relationship with a narc which is shocking at the age of 27 so I don’t have much to add. But I was brought up in a fairly religious family so all that was shunned upon unless it was marriage and even though I am pretty decent looking , I didn’t really put myself out there I carried a lot of shame about it all , didn’t self care or look after myself, I wouldn’t have attracted a healthy person .

At times I feel lonely and depressed, but I know I need to work on myself and il attract the right person. I would have only ended up in a dysfunctional relationship .

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can tell that you have your head on straight. Don't be hard on yourself. This is your life and when you're with someone for so long it's not easy. things to consider is maybe calling it a break ( if that is possible) if he is manipulating that might not work. But in my life that was a good stepping stone. Just make sure you sit down and both fully understand what a break means to both of you. you might also consider if you can take a vacation from your life? take some time away from everyone and focus on yourself. I don't know if any of this will be helpful to you but either way, I am hopeful for you that you can get through this. I hope you continue your counseling to heal from co-dependency so that any future relationships will be better. hang in there.

GDee, you have gotten so much input, I'm just letting you know that I am here for you as you move through this journey. We are all in this recovering deal together. Leave or stay or return a few more times, still here and understanding as we have been there. Healing and comforting hugs.