Thank you for this post.

I have yet to do step #3. I have no family model to look to, I feel like I have to recreate the wheel. I stumble over my words when I know I need to stand up for myself, then I just self-sabotage again.

For sometime try and do exactly opposite of what you intended to do or ask yourself these few questions. Put on your Phone or a piece of paper and look at it when you want to replace a behavior.

1.How could I respond in a more appropriate and proactive manner that would help me get what I want?
2. How is this a better way to respond?
3. What are some reasons for making this change?
4.What could be the long-term benefits of transforming how I respond in this situation?
5. What are the key advantages of this new behavior?

thank you so much for this!

OMG! Thank you for this! Because I just Fully got in touch with the fact that I have emotionally relapsed so to speak, and done this to myself again. Only this time in a Really Big way! I am trying so hard not to continue beating myself up over this. Because I had done so much work on myself around this so long ago. I really did think that I had full awareness, a big handle on it and had learned how to manage it well. But I have blown it Big Time! Self sabotaging can be so damn insidious. It krept up on me and than before you know whammo. I had someone who actually loved me alot! I felt very blessed to have this person in my life, finally. I had worked hard on myself over the years. And felt I was really ready. A month ago, She came to me and said we were done....Needless to say I was shocked And what I have gone through since than has been nothing short of excrutiating. It has effected me physically, mentally and emotionally. When asked why she out of know where- was ending things after all this time and the plans we made and the life we were building? I'm told that I became critical and started picking at her. I know I too had been going through Alot when all of that began.

But that knowledge hasn't soothed me one bit and only makes me want to keeping pointing fingers in her direction 'for choosing not to want to work through this, keep her commitments, and be stronger. Again that's not helping.
So Every day I have been giving myself a daily dose of looking back and reality checks. I've had to pull my own covers about what I was really going through, why and how I was showing up in our relationship. Yuck, yuck, yuck! She says that I became disrepectful, she shut down and than woke up one morning and said that the love was gone.

I still want to remain on the fence as to whether or not I actually have that kind of power over her. But what I do know is that she doesn't have the same knowledge or awareness that I do/did about these kinds of things. So she didn't have any other resources to help her cope either.

I go from being disgusted with myself to having very brief moments of almost being glad that this happened because it has once again broken this cycle.

Healing on the other hand is so painful, so painfully slow and is truly wearing me out.