It is normal when you are codependent to feel this way. You need to realize this is not a healthy relationship for you and you can not help him get better he has to do this on his own. We as codependent people always feel we can fix the problem. This type of problem you can not fix he needs to fix it and if you do go back it will be just the same and nothing will get fixed. Stay strong on this and do not feel bad about it at all it is not your fault what so ever. You need to get better yourself for YOU first. Hugs

I had same issue too.. I still have it once a while ... when this happens my therapist asked me to tell myself thats the codependency talking ...let it pass by ... no need to react to it ...I learned over the period of.time that these are cravings of my little girl inside me that wants the relationship with her parents to be right ... all I have to tell myself is that is past right now I am adult and I can parent give love to my inner child...

I "cut down" on being codependent for a while. It didn't keep.

Something that a wise person told me about addictions, whether it be drinking, smoking, gambling, or caretaker of others: one is not recovered if they "cut down." one is not recovered if they "quit." One has only recovered when they can say honestly that they "don't" and even then it is a lifelong fight.

I don't know that this is true, but it's certainly something to think about before giving too much thought to getting back together with someone who has an addiction problem.

I get those second thoughts about my alcoholic husband too. He appears to have cut down, and he is no longer abusive toward me now that we are separated and I got the courts involved. Now he decides to behave himself. I get those second thoughts when I think of him with someone else, and the other woman will get the "new improved" version of him, while I dealt for years with the "bad" version. But then I tell myself he'll just start dumping on me and blaming me for everything again, if we were ever to get back together. Still, it's a struggle. Those thoughts and feelings don't just go away, even though I know better.

We are crazy! Its ok. I accept being crazy! I can make my mind feel 110% positive about a decision only to talk myself out of it 10 mins later. Its hard to distinguish between our real feeling and our feelings that are altered and created by fear, anxiety, obsession, etc.
Right now, you need to work on you and your codependency. Let him work on him and his drinking. If there ever is a time to get back together it is NOT now. Not when you both still hold so much baggage and hurt. Once you heal and find inner happiness, door will open. Dont make any major decisions until you feel like you have recovered enough to love others without fear!
Best wishes to you on your journey to freedom from codependency!

I think it's time to admit that being codependent REALLY means that we are addicted to drama...

We are recovered when we no longer realize that we have quit... We now have a new normal.

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate the support and the advice! It is so nice to know I am not alone! :-)