Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I become the victim when someone gets angry. The abuse in my past stems from a teenage boyfriend, who controlled and manipulated me through anger. I cowered, got scared, felt guilty for my every movement and this transferred into adult situations with others. Now in my early 30s, I thought I was doing better. When my husband and I argue, I stand up for myself and tend not to get as upset as I used to. Of course, he doesn't yell at me, but frustration always occurs in relationships and I have dealt with it quite well and been very proud of myself in my ability to set boundaries.
Then, yesterday, I felt like it all fell to pieces.
We live in a duplex - the house is split in half. A family of three lives in the front and my husband and I live in the rear. Since we moved in 10 months ago, the man of the house up front has yelled or screamed or made some other kind of indescribable noise every day. This is either done at his video games or just randomly and usually lasts about an hour or so. Our interactions with this neighbor have been brief, to say the least. When we went around the front to introduce ourselves, he opened the door a crack, said hello, introduced himself, and then closed the door. Other interactions include him ignoring us or literally running inside of his home.
I am a grad student who does a majority of her studying at home during the day. Our walls are paper thin, so I hear my neighbor make his ridiculous noises every day. Finally, yesterday, I'd had it. He came home from work around 1:30 pm and immediately started yelling. So, I banged on the wall loudly three times (as people are wont to do in shared spaces - I've had neighbors do the same to me). He came around back and rang our doorbell. When I answered, this was the exchange:
Neighbor (N) (angrily, voice raised): You got a problem?
Me (M) (sheepishly): Yes, I...
N: So you can't come around and talk to me like a human being and say hey, you're being too loud...you bang on the wall, that's rude!
M: I apologize, but...
N: I mean, you have parties and I don't complain
M: Well, we've had two parties...if you'd like me to come warn you when we have them in the future I'd be happy to....It's just, I'm a grad student and I read all day at home...
N: Yeah, well I've been up since 1 am, how about that?
M: Woah, ok, I'm not trying to start a fight here.
N: Well, it's rude when you do something like that.
M: Ok...I apologize...it's just that I've had difficulty talking to you in the past
N: Yeah, well you guys aren't that cool either (walks away)
My neighbor was so angry with me, and unreasonably so, and I just shut down. I couldn't stand up for myself. I ended up apologizing TWICE and he did not apologize once. I felt paralyzed, helpless, powerless, frightened. He was very angry, but I was in my home and I had a right to stand up for myself. It's like I don't feel I deserve to be angry, too once someone else gets angry. I get scared, I feel guilty, and then when it's all over I hate myself for the way I reacted. And I cry at my feeling of powerlessness and shame over my lack of an ability to stand up for myself. THEN, I ruminate.
How do I know that whole conversation? Because I've said it my head over and over and over again. And said everything I "should" have said, like "I'm not the rude one, you're the one who screams in your place every day." or "How can I possibly talk to you like you're a human being when you clearly don't wish to interact with me in any sort of friendly way?" Clearly, I've been retraumatized by this event. And I don't think that any reasonable resolution will come of it. My husband went and talked to my neighbor when he got home from work, but my neighbor just responded in his usual, monosyllabic way.
I need to let go of the idea of resolution for this. I can't go back in time and react the way I wanted. I can't control his reaction to me or his feelings about me now. I need to stop ruminating and move on. I need to remove the self-hatred that keeps me feeling powerless. At least I was calm, at least I was rational. But what can I learn from this? How do I desensitize myself to other's anger so that don't immediately fall into victim mode and I can actually fight back?
Then, yesterday, I felt like it all fell to pieces.
We live in a duplex - the house is split in half. A family of three lives in the front and my husband and I live in the rear. Since we moved in 10 months ago, the man of the house up front has yelled or screamed or made some other kind of indescribable noise every day. This is either done at his video games or just randomly and usually lasts about an hour or so. Our interactions with this neighbor have been brief, to say the least. When we went around the front to introduce ourselves, he opened the door a crack, said hello, introduced himself, and then closed the door. Other interactions include him ignoring us or literally running inside of his home.
I am a grad student who does a majority of her studying at home during the day. Our walls are paper thin, so I hear my neighbor make his ridiculous noises every day. Finally, yesterday, I'd had it. He came home from work around 1:30 pm and immediately started yelling. So, I banged on the wall loudly three times (as people are wont to do in shared spaces - I've had neighbors do the same to me). He came around back and rang our doorbell. When I answered, this was the exchange:
Neighbor (N) (angrily, voice raised): You got a problem?
Me (M) (sheepishly): Yes, I...
N: So you can't come around and talk to me like a human being and say hey, you're being too loud...you bang on the wall, that's rude!
M: I apologize, but...
N: I mean, you have parties and I don't complain
M: Well, we've had two parties...if you'd like me to come warn you when we have them in the future I'd be happy to....It's just, I'm a grad student and I read all day at home...
N: Yeah, well I've been up since 1 am, how about that?
M: Woah, ok, I'm not trying to start a fight here.
N: Well, it's rude when you do something like that.
M: Ok...I apologize...it's just that I've had difficulty talking to you in the past
N: Yeah, well you guys aren't that cool either (walks away)
My neighbor was so angry with me, and unreasonably so, and I just shut down. I couldn't stand up for myself. I ended up apologizing TWICE and he did not apologize once. I felt paralyzed, helpless, powerless, frightened. He was very angry, but I was in my home and I had a right to stand up for myself. It's like I don't feel I deserve to be angry, too once someone else gets angry. I get scared, I feel guilty, and then when it's all over I hate myself for the way I reacted. And I cry at my feeling of powerlessness and shame over my lack of an ability to stand up for myself. THEN, I ruminate.
How do I know that whole conversation? Because I've said it my head over and over and over again. And said everything I "should" have said, like "I'm not the rude one, you're the one who screams in your place every day." or "How can I possibly talk to you like you're a human being when you clearly don't wish to interact with me in any sort of friendly way?" Clearly, I've been retraumatized by this event. And I don't think that any reasonable resolution will come of it. My husband went and talked to my neighbor when he got home from work, but my neighbor just responded in his usual, monosyllabic way.
I need to let go of the idea of resolution for this. I can't go back in time and react the way I wanted. I can't control his reaction to me or his feelings about me now. I need to stop ruminating and move on. I need to remove the self-hatred that keeps me feeling powerless. At least I was calm, at least I was rational. But what can I learn from this? How do I desensitize myself to other's anger so that don't immediately fall into victim mode and I can actually fight back?
I had a recent episode somewhat similar with my siblings. I had an angry outburst and it did not end well. Of course, it is always a lot easier to look at another person's issues and see what could have been done differently. In my own case, I was angry, frustrated and again hurt feelings. In my particular case, I over-reacted that time. However, my problem is that mostly I say nothing until it builds up and then I have an outburst.
After reading your dialogue, it sounds similar in the sense that you have let the annoyance build up to the point where you responded angrily to his behavior. I am not saying that I would not be frustrated with the same, but I do recognize that if you had not let it get to the point where you were angry in letting him know about it, and just explained to him that it was bothering you, before you were fed up, it probably would have went much better.
I think you are beating yourself up for not being angry back and sticking up for yourself. But do you honestly think that would have been the best solution? I think it would have been better, after a few days of his racket, to calmly go over there and tell him that the noise level is interfering with your studying. As another co-dependent, I understand that we take a lot until we sometimes do explode. But it might be better if we worked on honest communication before we reached the boiling point.
The man was angry because he was not aware that he was disturbing you and had not been approached in what he thought was a reasonable manner. Further it sounds like he feels that he has been disturbed as well. I am not saying he is right. I am just saying that if we wait until we are all worked up, and others do not know our issue (they are not mind-readers), the outcome is not usually the best.
The conversation could have gone a little better and you did not need to over apologize. I do understand your frustration for backing down when you felt justified in your anger.
Is there any way that you could maybe have him over for coffee when your husband is home and find some common ground? You may not end up good friends, but maybe you can tolerate each other as neighbors.
Good Luck!
Shar
But my point in the post was not "how could I act differently in the first place?" I know that. It's "how do I respond to anger without falling apart?" I will have to encounter anger in the future. It's part of life. I need to be able to handle it, to stand up for myself.
Thanks for your reply, Shar.
When you do this you allow yourself to trigger painful emotions that would'nt be there normally.
Mindfulness helps with this. When your mindful your living in the moment. One moment is gone it's gone and your on to the next. Living in the moment helps you to remember that oh yes I am no longer in that moment and I don't have to relive those emotions. I am in the NOW and that is all I have to concern myself with...like mindfully washing these dishes here in my hands..one dish at a time..watching the soap bubbles go round and round..watching the water run over the plate...and when my mind wanders bring it back to the dishes.
There are lots of good books on mindfulness. Getting one of those books designed for anxiety like CBT would be good.
I ruminate all the time. I have to catch myself and remember to live in the moment and let those other moments go. You can't change people. And that is okay.
The way i see it, you have 2 choices. Learn how to put up with it or move. that's the only 2 choices i can see. Stupid, 'unevoved' caveman people can make our lives miserable if we let them. I'd be moving....go get even a nicer place than your in now!!
Hug for you!
Ok, I guess my only suggestion then is to practice. Practice ahead of time so that you are not caught off-guard until it comes a bit more naturally. Maybe even role-play with your husband?
I had a situation with someone who would delegate things to me at meetings (church), repeatedly and my knee-jerk reaction was just to accept it. But I was getting darn sick of it (actually I was angry that she kept asking and angry at myself for not standing up for myself).
The way I finally had a break-through was to anticipate that she was going to ask me again and figure out how I would say "no". And I practiced by myself aloud. When the time came, I was clumsy, it did not flow smoothly, but I did tell her that she had been delegating to me all year,and that I thought she should do it. It felt quite wonderful, even though it was not natural AT ALL and I felt VERY uncomfortable.
But honestly, I cannot tell you how great I felt when I got home, for sticking up for myself.
Good Luck!
Shar