Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I grew up in a home where both parents yelled all the time, name-calling and labeling us daily with derogatory terms of endearment. Both parents repeatedly told me I was stupid. Mom had some real special names to add to the daily mix: lard-ass, dumb-ox, shit-for-brains, idiot, crazy. She invalidated my experiences by telling me "it was all in my head" and that I'm "imagining things" and that "I'm crazy." Being her whipping boy for her displaced anger & rage has tied me in proverbial knots growing up. Having 2 unpredictable parents (always fighting, tempers flaring) made my life a living hell as a kid.
As an adult, I fear conflict and avoided it at all costs. Tried to keep the peace, to smooth the way. To people-please and be the nice person that people needed in the world. At some point, I learned how to stand my ground and not run away all the time. Not be that doormat anymore. Sometimes I overcompensate & go on the offensive. My own control issues are triggered by unpredictable people, places or situations. Makes sense, huh?
It's one helluva job what these abusive parents do to us, and then our job is to try to talk back to all that garbage they spoon-fed us. We know the underbelly of life, the pain that comes with not being nurtured and loved the way we deserved and needed.
It is hard to nurture ourselves. But I am trying. I am starting to look at that little girl -- am I going to be just as guilty of abusing her & let my parents win? or am I going to treat her the way she craved, the way she so desperately needed. I am starting with a simple exercise... when I find myself muttering "moron" to myself or thinking "I'm stupid" -- I tell myself to Stop. See that little girl. How does that make her feel? And what can I say to her instead. And say it. Again. Again. Again.
What has worked for you to overcome such hardship?
As an adult, I fear conflict and avoided it at all costs. Tried to keep the peace, to smooth the way. To people-please and be the nice person that people needed in the world. At some point, I learned how to stand my ground and not run away all the time. Not be that doormat anymore. Sometimes I overcompensate & go on the offensive. My own control issues are triggered by unpredictable people, places or situations. Makes sense, huh?
It's one helluva job what these abusive parents do to us, and then our job is to try to talk back to all that garbage they spoon-fed us. We know the underbelly of life, the pain that comes with not being nurtured and loved the way we deserved and needed.
It is hard to nurture ourselves. But I am trying. I am starting to look at that little girl -- am I going to be just as guilty of abusing her & let my parents win? or am I going to treat her the way she craved, the way she so desperately needed. I am starting with a simple exercise... when I find myself muttering "moron" to myself or thinking "I'm stupid" -- I tell myself to Stop. See that little girl. How does that make her feel? And what can I say to her instead. And say it. Again. Again. Again.
What has worked for you to overcome such hardship?
I am still working on it. My own inner tapes have also been very negative and I did not even realize how often I would say something negative to self.
Saying "stop" and replacing it with a positive statement is what I try to do. Gratitude for gifts and talents helps me, too.
I really relate to the doormat thing and the people-pleasing. I am still working on it, but I am doing better than I had been. I will say that I think that some of this is really widespread. I was so surprised to hear from two women in my church, one who is this super woman, in her nineties, who still feels guilty about hings. WOW. Then this other woman, who I always think of as very bossy, also confessed the same thing.
I am starting to believe that this is a cultural thing - guilt, that saying "no" is wrong, or bad or somehow makes us a bad person. I have been really surprised by the range of people and personalities who carry around buckets of unearned guilt.
I keep working on changing my beliefs, because I think that they are driving me. So, now I say it is okay to say "no" . I also like this from Stephen Covey "the enemy of the best is often the good." That helps me a lot when dealing with "good ideas" or "good causes" from others who desire my time or efforts.
I like it because, I am not disagreeing that it is a worthy cause, it is just that if I do not feel passionate about it, then it is probably not for me.
Shar
But I'm not a girl; I'm a guy lol.
Conflict is not necessarily something to avoid, but, yes, there should be ways to communicate to arrive at a solution. CHRONIC anger, that merely perpetuates a problem, is not good. People trying to control each other, through brute verbal and physical force, is not good.
But anger, in the sense that you know what you want and can use that anger to "tune out" anything else, is good.
Anger placed into exercise, a positive form of self-therapy, is good. Exercise brings a positive result, of energy, personal power and vitality.
Getting to the root of WHY your parents yelled at each other would be a good first step in resolving your childhood issues. Is it because they were bored? It happens.
Fighting was a form of communication for my parents.
I know exactly where my parents' anger comes from. It's certainly not boredom. It's about unmet needs and not feeling in control. Doesn't change how they used it against me or my sisters via their displaced anger, and as my mirrors, they shaped my world with their verbal & emotional abuse and occasional harsh hands.
Now it's up to me to shape my own mirrors, or as Shar said, reshape my belief system. That's pretty hard-wired stuff. And honor my needs that are so buried ...
I get weary having to always mind myself when I automatically react in a situation. I have to do a whole inner dialogue that says, "what's going on here? what's triggering for you?" and then I have to "pull back" and try to see the situation without my colored blinders on.
That's why I'm asking what has worked for people to overcome such hardship. It's not enough for me to know why my parents were angry -- I know exactly why. Even by forgiving them for projecting their constant anger onto me as their whipping boy, I still have automatic reactions to people, places & things.
It's very wearing.
I think our thoughts wear us down when we see them as another task or chore. Maybe believing that you have to be always vigilant or "on guard" is making you feel worn down.
And I am not saying that I don't sometimes feel frustrated by the work that is needed to really change the internal- what has become knee-jerk reactions.
But if you take the perspective that you are showing love to self, these are loving acts for a better, happier life and also feel the excitement of owning your power, it does not have to always feel like a drudgery.
I was able to handle myself differently this weekend and I had to honestly work at releasing my feelings - I have given myself a headache with holding onto feelings of anger or frustration in the past. My reward - I did what was important to me, and did really well on an exam this weekend. Some of my extended family would have had me rushing off to theirs at the last minute because they felt like having a party all of a sudden.
It did not work with my plan for myself and it was wonderful, really wonderful to focus on what I knew I needed to do. I had to work at releasing, feeling and releasing, because guilt comes so naturally, even unearned guilt. It was worth it, though. Hang in there! It won't always feel like so much work. When you start to find the balance, you will feel a little piece of your soul and self-esteem has a bit more light coming from it. The next time, it is a bit easier and it will continue to build in a good way.
I still have the occasional backslide, but I am faster at seeing it and more determined to protect myself. You will feel better, too, as you continue to do this.
One HUGE thing that I have done is stayed away from toxic people, even family. It is just not good for me.
Shar
With my mother coming to live in the same country as I am, the memories come back more. And I just get so furious.
What I am trying to do is what Melody Beattie wrote in her book which is to ask myself "what I need to do to take care of myself."
And try to tell myself that it is my right to create boundaries for myself.
Thank you for listening.