Alanon or Coda meetings only cost $1 donation
And i personally love alanon for me it helps me
heal from the Inside out, HUGS

Hi btb....yup, been there done that...the fear "false evidence appearing real' will get you going...try sitting down and write down Every Challenge you can think of in your life that has scared you, hurt you, brought you to your knees in depression...etc, think you got the drift. Then go look yourself in the mirror, and say out loud "I Am A Survior"!
When living in a place of 'I need' takes over, as I think you may be feeling, those alanon/coda meeting will create a stability in your thought process, in addition to creating boundaries for your codependent relationship.

Sitting in fear will not help you, and pushing through fear "meeting people' in alanon who will be 'safe' is a good start to get yourself out into the world of 'people'...what you do more of will make your next steps easier. So if your bf does leave, start now to 'build your own life' You Only Have One....it goes faster by the year! coming from an ole lady...63 making a decision to reverse the 'number' to 36!!! best to you, ml

Thank you both for your replies. I really, really appreciate your thoughts. I'm feeling somewhat better tonight. Don't know if I will actually try al-anon or coda meetings, for reasons I don't want to get into here, but I'm thinking about shelling out some bucks for a short-term therapist, and in the meantime, I can research information on the web, if nothing else. Thank you again...

(I'm 10 years younger than you, mlr0853, so, hmm...does that make me 35???)

the idea of being a codependent I admit woke me up to some stuff, but I've settled a bit since then and am inclined to say... so... what's wrong with codependent?

Well, the only thing wrong with it is if you're not shacked up with someone who is equally codependent on you. Isn't it. Because if you have one clinger and one runner away, that's not a working thing.

Can you change yourself to not cling? I personally don't think you can do that without having your heart broken. But I say that because that's how I learned.

How did I learn to cling to start with? That's easy. The boxful of mills & boones mum bought every month. The romantic way she operated. The histrionics in her marriages and the way she had to offload onto her daughters for hours and hours and hours.... taught us all this heightened soap operatic way of trying to solve our problems. which was via second guessing, deductive reasoning, and never asking a single single question in the real world. Oh god you did all this stuff inside your own mind. And all those potential scenarios. all those plots. All those bloody feelings. my god.

Feeling soup. How unattractive. Being weak is unattractive. Sure, the woman is supplicant in the 1930's movies. But in real life that's just annoying.

Having said that, I doubt you're weak.

I think if you look hard you'll see you haven't been the clinging vine. You've been holding moves in abeyance. you've been keeping doors open, in case he should want to walk through them.

The answer is he doesn't want to walk through them. Never hold the door open. Never give space. Never hold off or be understanding. If he fights for himself, you have to fight for yourself. don't fight for an 'us' that doesn't exist.

sorry. Grumpy today. But the point is: what is this word codependent? Surely if both parties had the same level of commitment and love, then the concept wouldn't even be a thing?

Being codependent is serious issue and its hard
to Change on your own, without help and support.

Therapists can only bring you so far emotionally
I love mine she does not push me. She is great with
family, abuse and my overall MH issues.

When i first started alanon i was on my knees in
Pain. I was ready and Humble enough, then you
can open your ears and eyes and begin to learn
Change and grow.

You are not Alone in how you think and feel. You
need to retrain And reparent yourself as an adult.
That is a hard long Process that takes willingness
And humility. HUGS

I was in therapy when I first started dating this guy. My therapist at the time threw out the word "co-dependent", but then he quickly said that some married couples are co-dependent, so I actually put a positive twist on it (even though I knew I should not have done that, and should have started asking questions right then and there). So, I guess in some cases (like a long-term happily married couple), it isn't a "thing" -- it's just the way the marriage works. I guess, like a lot of things, co-dependency could be looked at as being on a spectrum???? Maybe. I don't know enough about it yet. But...we're here because it isn't or hasn't worked for us. Thanks again to everyone for your knowledge and insight! I really appreciate it.

Damn bridgie you're good!

Thanks.

I think we had similar mother's too, though mine was as straight as an arrow. No drugs/alcohol.

She was just emotionally dysfunctional from her own upbringing.

She'd rage, hit, scream...

Hello. Sorry you going through this. Be strong and keep your head high. Do try getting help for yourself. I just realized after 20 years married that I have been in a codependent relationship and am getting help to hopefully let lose. I have tried CPR to revive this marriage for so long. He made feel confused. Stayed here because of my son, now a teenager. We just make excuses to stay and live miserably. Good luck!

"Codependency is a serious issue"

I just realized that codependency or anything else is only an "issue" when it isn't working for you anymore.

There are millions that live happily ever after in what someone else would call codependent relationships.

I suppose as bridgie said it's only an issue if both in the relationship aren't codependent.

Frankly I don't much care if I'm codependent or not anymore, I just want some peace in my life.

@rose, glad to have you here and glad you
Are reaching out for help and support. I had
A 30 year marriage now divorced, HUGS