Codependency Support Group

Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...

3,331 Members
10,657 Posts
0 Online
Addiction & Recovery
/ Codependency Support Group

Rage, again

FreedomWon
FreedomWon

Year 7 of marriage and I have feelings of hatred towards him. I literally feel hatred towards him, i feel like smacking him across the face right now.. a little back story...Year 1/2 weird stuff, and poor relationship, year 3 the secrets began surfacing, and then every year he'd drop another bomb on me. He's an adult child. As if he got stuck in his teenage years. He cannot plan, he lives moment to moment, making messes for me and everyone else to clean up. I have little kids, and I do what I do to keep up with making sure things are nice for them at home. On all levels I'm dissatisfied with this man.  This morning I threw his lunch at him (missed his head) making sure the kids were busy in their rooms. That's major for me, since I'm not outwardly aggressive like that. I fantasize about cheating on him. I imagine hitting him over the head with a pan. What the HECK?!  He's an addict, used to be meth 10 years sober, now food, entertainment, fights with porn, etc. Sex addict, etc those were some of the things i found out after getting married. Years into my marriage. His parents constantly bail him out of poor life choices, and treat him like he is the golden boy because that's what he presents to people. So, I figure this man won't change just because I get angry, I know that. But,is this normal for a person who struggles with codependency? That's all I need to know. I know my anger, rage, etc is my responsibility, no matter how much i want to blame him (and do daily lately) for my unhappiness. I'm actually starting feel better by writing that. Giving him way to much power, even by wasting energy on him by wasting my day away with anger. I still hate him and feel like I'm in jail right about now. Do, or did any of you struggle with rage in a codependent relationship?

in_cure
in_cure
Hi, wow, first congratulations for having to deal with so much in your marriage, and having little kids to look after...

I think what you feel is normal and healthy, you're not in a good situation and your rage is a way to express your frustration. You seem to realise also that you can't change him with your anger and you throwing his lunch at him was the first time you've shown your aggression, which shows you're not letting your rage completely dominate you.

I was in a codependent relationship, and although I didn't face problems as big as yours I felt rage. I felt angry because I've let my feelings depend completely on him, I wasn't pursuing my tastes (I have seemed to forgot them while we were together!), I felt constantly without energy because I was literally getting drained by that situation...

I felt and still feel a little ashamed of being angry, because I grew up being repressed and learned that anger was ugly, but I'm starting to use it for good, there's a lot of energy there and it means that we care about ourselves, we can defend ourselves and fight to get better.
FreedomWon
FreedomWon
Thanks in_cure! After posting I started trying undo it because j was feeling ashamed of my feelings. I am going to be taking more steps towards my own recovery and restoration. Thanks for your input!!
LivingWater
LivingWater
I can relate to being in a co-dependent relationship with an adult child. Nothing makes a woman angrier than a man who is too self-centered and self-indulgent to tend to his responsibilities in life. And the addictions that seem to go along with this type of personality disorder. By the way, it's called "puerilism", from the Latin puer, meaning child. More males than females seem to have this personality disorder, also called The Peter Pan Syndrome. If it comforts you, when I became enraged with my "little boy" man, I didn't just fantasize about hitting him, I fantasized about killing him!
FreedomWon
FreedomWon
That is comforting LivingWater, I appreciate your response. You know, as I confront myself, I'm almost afraid that I will find that I never loved him, buy only needed him to need me so I'd feel important. This is unnerving. I'm starting a faith based 12 step program next week. I hope this further alleviates the feelings of panic. Thanks again!
in_cure
in_cure
Hi FreedomWon, I'm glad my message has encouraged you! We face the same emotions, although in different scenarios. I wish you get better and better :)
I've just started to attend a 12 step meeting, and I find it's been helping a lot!
Community Leaderbobinmaine
bobinmaine
You really need to let go of all that anger! You can't change others so you have two options, except him the way he is or leave.

My exwife was exactly like you with all the anger and it took me years to learn to except her the way she was. Eventually, she found someone else who could make her happier then I could. She thought! So she divorced me and I accepted it and told her I just wanted her to be happy but about 6 months after the divorce, she wanted me back again and I said, "nope!" I was happy being single so she went back to her second choice which was the guy she divorced me for and I am happy as hell living a solitary life having just myself to answer to!

God Bless
darlingdarling
darlingdarling
I have been co-dependent with my father since I was 6 years old, and I can tell you, rage is a major factor. I have since moved away, but I hated him almost every single day, even though I was cleaning up after him, and taking care of him

I think growing resentments, someone not changing, combined with feelings of being trapped all bring about rage.

I don't know what the answer is, but I want you to know you're not alone.
FreedomWon
FreedomWon
Hey Bobinmaine: thanks for your reply! So ours was a classic addict/codependent set up and we waltzed right into married life. It doesn't sound like that was your scenario. If I want to stay married I know I have to make some changes. And, the immediate one is the anger, I totally agree. It does need to come out, but in healthy ways, and Im needing some help in that area. Although there's been so much betrayal and lying over the years and ive become embittered by my marriage I know that confronting myself and dealing with root issues I'm sure I will be better off inwardly, and at peace, able to keep me joy. Even if my husband never changes or gets serious help for his addictions, I believe it's possible to be secure within myself, that's really what I lack. My husband is at least making an attempt to further his recovery, so I'm grateful for that. Thanks for your feedback!
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • billwfriend

    great tasty results of smoking St Louis style ribs

    Posted by: billwfriend
    Last Reply: billwfriend
    3
    check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
  • Albatross

    Loneliness is part of my identity now

    Posted by: Albatross
    Last Reply: hasty_05
    6
     I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...