As simple as it sounds I tend to forget it often that take what you want and leave the rest.... thanks for the reminder.

Your welcome :)

I agree, I forget, too ... sometimes I feel so reactive, I just blurt what's on my mind, but the fact is, if it's from a place of anger, all that does is alienate people and I find myself isolated.

So I need to remind myself to take the parts that are useful to me, and leave the rest behind. This helps me detach. A simple concept. "Easier said than done" though ... LoL ... well, I'm working on it ;)

"Take what you want; leave the rest."

I very much agree with the philosophy and very much view coda that way but a while ago I tried to find where it actually said this in the literature. The only think I could find is in the meeting format before the floor is opened for sharing. I don't know whether this means only personal sharing is a matter of choice or all the literature.

I'm sure it says this statement somewhere else but just can't find it. I like tradition 3, I think, that says the only requirement is a desire for healthy and loving relationships. I guess that's not diffinitive either of how much we should take when we start to apply the literature.

I get what your saying though. I've always had this sense that what people say is just an opinnion. It seems strange to have to state the obvious but I agree sometimes it's good to clarify. Writing can become so missinterprited at times. It's sorely lacking when having any kind of a conversation. I've gotten into more trouble than I can say over texts being missinterprited. I've actually spent an hour or two on a post making sure it was very close to exactly what I wanted to say. My ocd and my word finding problems vex me emencely at times.

Anyway, if it is no where else than where I said, and I'm generalizing it more than I should that's ok with me.

Take what you will and leave the rest. Warm Regards Jon

I'm curious to hear about this OCD and the "Word Finding" problems and how it relates to reading & writing, Jonota. Because I am a terribly slow reader, and even slower at writing. Although I have fast typing skills ;) -- these messages I write can take me upwards of an half an hour or more, as I try to be "mindful" of how my words may affect others. I will re-read this several times before posting and edit accordingly.

I have gotten into hot water over emails with my sisters more times than I can count because I was not "impeccable with my word" (to quote "The Four Agreements" ~ Carlos Ruiz) ... too reactive, too imperfect, not saying things in a way that was clearly understood, easily leading to miscommunications and communication meltdowns of the utmost proportions!

Part of that problem was that I did not have internet at home, so I had to rely on the computers at the library system --library was very noisy, distracting, smelly. I could not concentrate (Distractability? ADD? HSP: Highly Sensitive Person?) and could not shut out the noise, so it seeped into my being as I was trying to write coherent, rational e-mails and responses on Facebook. Instead, I was coming across as hostile and incredibly short-tempered. Well, I was! (I only was allowed 2 hours each day on their computers -- so I felt time pressured, too .... oh, not good. Not good at all! ) Good thing I didn't know about this place, then. It would have been a complete catastrophe for me.

Now? Well, I can work in the peace & quiet of my own space, but am still acutely aware that the written word is "Static." Meaning, it is fixed, "set in stone," irrevocable. So, when someone reads my reply or posts, it can be "read into" on so many more levels than what I originally intended, and that is daunting. Like the spotlight has found me in the sea of faces.

Even this post is taking me much too long to write. I analyze each sentence for content, meaning, and of course: spelling! And then there's the dictionary, to double-check on words that I tend to use in the wrong context. What do I know? they sounded like the right word at the time. More times than not, I don't know their true definition. Like those words "Impeccable," "Static" and "Irrevocable." Going to look them up before I submit this.

So, you can see why, even after all this agonizing, things I say can still be taken a way that offends someone else. Especially if I am typing while tired, and not taking the time to think through my words and their import. And the truth is: we can't please all people, all the time. Unless we don't do anything, at all.

To quote Aristotle: "Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing."

(**As to the saying: "Take what you want, Leave the Rest" -- I have only heard it used in the meetings, prior to the floor opening. It's a great concept though. Since it is a program of "Principles before Personalities." However, I am not verbose on the subject of 12-step programs, at all. I simply trip over the steps in my journey to find a healthier way to live my life. So, don't quote me too seriously on this 12-step stuff, ok? It's not my forte.**)

"Take what you want, Leave the rest."

This post took: 30 minutes to write, re-edit, review, rehash and generally submit for everyone's judgment and perusal. Seriously. 30 minutes. That's insane, right?

OK: Here's an Example of Not Taking the Final, Infinitesimal Measure to Double-check my Author Reference... Dammit!

OK: Author of "The Four Agreements" : Don Miguel ngel Ruiz

My Favorite Baseball Player: Carlos Ruiz

Ah ... ROTFLMAO !!!! Sorry Chooch! ;)

Thank you for the reminder.

Sometimes I would type a post and delete the whole thing because I didn't want to offend anyone. That is impossible. Like someone shared with me, there will be people who will dislike me no matter what I do or say.

My rule of thumb is not to share when I am angry. I am almost 50 and 85% of the time when I shared in anger, I feel awful afterwards and never good results.

Nice to have a place to share.

I think 'take what you need and leave the rest ' is just a saying someone on CODA came up with. There is a lot of sayings floating around coda. If I can find the sheet with all of it I will post it. Still it does make a lot os sense.
arbe

oops. I meant take what you want.

slogans
DENIAL...don't even notice that I'm lying
do the nest right thing
easy does it
FEAR..face everything and recover
first things first
HALT..Never get too hungry,angry,lonely or tired
how important is it?
if nothing changes, nothing changes
if you think you can or think you can't,you're right
insanity...doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results
it works if you work it
K.I.S.S. keep it simple,sweetheart
let go and let God
life is simple, first you do one thing and then you do the next
live and let live
NUTS...not using the steps
one day at a time
progress not perfection
put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror
say what you mean,mean what you say, but don't say it mean
SPONSOR...sage person offering newcomers suggestions on recovery
the only way out is through
this too shall pass
when I point a finger at you three more point back at me
work it you're worth it
you're only as sick as your secrets
yesterday is history,tommorrow a mystery, todays is a gift, that's why it is called the present
take what you want and leave the rest

I've been living a life according to Aristotle. Well a life that tries to avoid criticism for so long now. Would be nice to have a relationship though, hence coda.

Dysgraphia is the technical term as I understand it for problems with writing and finding words when writing. I have quite slanted illegible writing that can't keep a horizontal line. I put capitals where they don't belong, my writing gets extremely messy when under pressure and I change between printing and cursive, much more when I was younger though.

The reading thing is for me about how the eyes can follow a line. It seems to be brain function that makes the eyes wander and not be able to move in straight lines, even just slightly can make reading difficult. I am an extremely slow reader and my comprehension is very slow as well. I'm extremely patient though so I take alot in when I do take the time.

Have a look at Aspergers. This link is where my searching for answers has taken me at present. I have this other amazing article favorited on my other computer that died and can't seem to find it again on the web. It goes into how problems with the Pons, a part of the brain stem, causes mental issues.

brainhighways.com/app/webroot/img/userfiles/file/lowerbrainConnection.pdf

Aspergers is much broader than we see in the media. A person doesn't have to be really smart to be aspergers. My personal research feels that one doesn't need to have a tendency for maths/science either, I see it more as just an extremely high focus and standard in any given area. I have read it questioned by professionals as to whether even anorexia is linked to aspergers, brain wise there close/overlapping. One thing I think is key is the hypersensitivity in one or more areas. Emotional childishness, lack of eye to eye contact when communicating, OCD and social problems are others that speaks to me. There's too much that fits the classification of aspergers for me. I think on some levels I decend further into the autism spectrum than aspergers.

All I can say is that in comparison to me 30 min to write all that is pretty good. It would take me around two hours at least. I've actually taken about 9 hours to write a 2 page letter. To say the least I really don't like writing that much as my ocd takes over. I'm experiencing a really rough patch in my life so the bit of connection at this site is worth it.

Around an hour to write this and I want to keep on editing.

I'll think for way too long as to how to end this so I thought that it might just be better to say that. It's nice to talk about this.

Thanks, Jonota. Wow -- that's wild.

Well, I certainly don't do math in public ;) and often, avoid it in private.

Love to write, but fear the criticism.

Perfectionistic tendencies keep me from making spelling errors. As I like to joke: "Bad Spellers of the World: UNTIE! "

Oh, I'm highly sensitive, but I don't see myself as having an eating disorder. Chocolate IS the Quintessential 6th Food Group, isn't it?

Thanks Arbe for the list of Slogans. I must be NUTS since I'm not using the steps, I trip on them occasionally ;) I love the short-hand of it -- but then my own twist gets in the way. I've always said: "the only way forward is through" -- actually that works for me, so I'll stick with it that way. Also love Denial -- well the acronym as I've heard it: "Don't even kNOw I am lying."

They're all great. Because I'm in the 12 steps for Nicotine Anonymous, we also have "I'm 1 Puff Away from a Pack a Day" which is truer than you know... and " Romance it, You Chance it." Lots of Great Slogans. That's where I heard the "take what you want, leave the rest..." so I think it's pretty universal in 12 step.

Saving those slogans for my desktop!

Good Conversation. And Koyu -- that is the Golden Rule isn't it? : Never Write in Anger -- or Speak in Reactivity -- Give it an hour, at least... get perspective ... because otherwise? it will bite me in the Arse, every time!

Thanks for the great reminder!

I really need to remember the concept of not writing/responding in anger. At the time, I'm thinking that I want to get my thought out and get it over with to move on to other stuff - sort of about efficiency.

In terms of emails, my observation for myself over time is that it's best to keep emails brief and focus instead on in-person or even phone conversation. Much more is forgiven and "forgotten" if we are conversing rather than writing.

Also, I don't think most people can also process much in writing at any given point. We also aren't able to catch them in the right mood, etc. when emailing, as we can do in verbal conversations. We can read body language and get other cues to know what/how to communicate.

See, already I've stated too much! ;-)

Nope, your post was spot on, Reina6! You didn't say too much at all -- me? I can only strive to be that succinct ;)

Having grown up in an unpredictable home, I can at least anticipate reactions based on body language, vocal intonation, mood, etc in person (or on the phone) like you suggested, and navigate accordingly.
But the truth is, it's codependent nature to walk on eggshells, trying to anticipate people's reactions/responses...

My best friend is in the corporate world of managing people, so he's been my teacher, demonstrating the art form of the diplomatic email. Because it's really hard to hear the import of the message if it's all accusatory, blaming or angry.

There are also different styles of learning, of processing information. Some do better via reading, some are visual learners, some via listening. I am a visual learner. Show me how to do something, then I can do it on my own. If you tell me how to respond in a certain situation, that's only good for that situation, unless I can "See" the whole pattern (again: Visual).

Good example? Computers. LOL. Give me a manual, it's going to sit there collecting dust. Occasionally I open to the section when I'm really perplexed. Tell me how to troubleshoot by email or chat, I get overwhelmed unless given really specific instructions. Over the phone -- I start screaming within minutes! But if you show me? I'm Golden :D

"take what you want; leave the rest..."

sometimes i copy and paste a posting before posting it and read it the next day. that helps me. other times i just post and wish i had not or maybe just using it as a sounding board if i am distressed. i work on not blurting out what i say as it is usually not a good idea as i see other do this i think i dont want to do that. but then dont address that hurt feelings or confusion over what other might blurt out. we dont have the right to say whatever is on our minds. i used to think that that was my right but as i matured i realized it was not. i have to watch it at work as i tend to say to much and try to see how what i said might not be in my best interests or those that i blurt out to.but all in all we all do this and dont need to feel guilty or upset about it. make amends when it wont hurt others or myself and remember to think before we speak as we cant take back things that we say that are not appropriate or useful. i really have this problem at work,sharing to much and not remembering that every thing i say is remember and how unprofessional i might look

The main reason I began on this site was to share in the wisdom of others and to benefit from it in someway so as to grow in my life. I find that I relate and "take" much of the experiences here and only "leave" the negativity. Thank you.