I don't know if this will help or not but here goes. I t one time in my life was faced with my 'father' talking to me and ,I thought , trying to apologize for everything. Turned out he just wanted back into the family for whatever reasons...access to all of us? scared of being alone? Couldn't face people asking where his family was? Whatever, I ended up threatening to bounce wrench of his head when he said he had been 'sick' but was better now. Wow, like you can get better in a few months. No way. Just warning that a lot of stuff can come out when faced with your abuser regardless of who they are. I would really be careful of this and have many safeguards in place: ie; friends with you at the least. Take care

Thanks, I wouldnt go alone.. I already thought about that.. I have a few cousins who are willing to go with me. He isnt trying to get back in the family.. He has a gf who also left her kids and they disappeared together. He doesnt want to see my mom and doesnt even know anyone in my fam anymore since my mom's parents are dead.. I talked to my uncle about this and he said if I do it I should do it for me and no one else. Not for my "dad", but to try to heal and get on with life. My uncle's dad wasnt a part of his life til he was 30 because when his parents split and his mom got custody, his dad moved across the country and never made an effort til he got old and recovered from alcoholism. But now he has had a relationship with his dad for about 5 years and he said its been good for him.
I dont know that I want to have a relationship with my dad. Might be weird. I dont know how I might feel if I see him. I kind of jusst want to get the negative feelings out and get on with my life. My step dad told me his dad left when he was little too and when he got older he hated his dad so much that when he finally came around he refused to see him. Then, he died and he regrets not ever talking to him. IDK I guess I just dont want to regret not having the conversation and not being able to let go of my feelings... Its a lot to think about.

WOW.. I'm watching Dr. Phil and he just said something like "I have buried my dad.He's passed away and gone. If you have unfinished emotional business with someone, dont let the sun set on it because one day it will be too late"

Both you & dr. phil have a lot of wisdom. Once our parent is gone, they. are. gone. irreversible. So I say, if there's unfinished business, what's to be gained by not finishing it? This is definitely for your healing. May be good to journal it out ahead of time -- what you want to say.

A really good idea, having someone you trust go with you, who can help you process your experience afterwards. Only suggestion...you probably already know all this ... try to go with low expectations. That way, you can't be disappointed with the outcome. Anything more is a bonus.

Try to go in with an open mind. You know your side. Try to see his. And do a lot of deep breathing.

((HUGS))

Thanks Amelah! :)
I agree with u on the expectations.. I learned a long time ago that I cant expect too much..

Hi, I think you need to do whats right for you. I had not seen my dad in a long time. Unlike you, mine disowned me at 15. Refused to see me but had only asked for visitaton with my other two siblings. So its a little different for me. On his deathbed, he wanted to see his "kids" .
For me i did speak to him. I was able to tell him exactly how he made me feel. I was very angry. I told him exactly up until that point how he messed me up. Now after his death over 2 yrs later , i am grateful i was able to tell him exactly how i felt. However cruel i was, it was my way to communicate to him that it was not ok to treat a child the way he did and expect that child to act like an adult.
anyways my point is that i did put closure for me to at least communicate with him before he died.
For you , forgiveness is the last step to move on and let go of any anger. Its up to you. If you dont want a relationship or if you do. make it very clear to him what you are willing to do or not do. He'll accept it or not.
YOu sound like you need to do this for you. Don't let anyone else influence you to decide either way.
only you can decide.. My opinion. if you feel this way i think you should pursue to find out what you really want to about him. It sounds to me that you are just unsure what everyone else will think.
DOn't worry about them.. do whats right for you.

I hope it helps.

Good luck with your decision

Nooch

I would be very careful when dealing with this. Make sure it is a meeting and not an attempt to restart a relationship he abandoned for almost two decades. However selfish it may sound it would do you good to tell him just how he affected your life. It would be healing for you, emotionally. You would be able to move on and continue with your life. I would suggest that you bring people you trust with you, to be on "standby" should something happen during your meeting.

I've yet to find the courage to tell my mother how her treatment towards me has affected my life, but everyday I hope that I do. If you're at that point then don't miss this opportunity to see him, tell him, and move on for good.

Id echo that what others say and bring someone you trust with you. My friend had an estranged relationship w/ her father. When she turned 13 he asked her to visit, elated she did. Her mother got a call from DFS saying he turned her in. No you're not 13, but I'm just saying sometimes their motives are unknown.

KourtneyHart~ I absolutely agree that you need to do what's best for you being very careful not to approach this matter with big expectations. I give you credit for having a strong enough sense of self and for being willing to meet with him! :o)
Very recently I decided it was best for me to detach from my father and I know that I'm not yet strong enough to step back into that "ring". I'd be right back into old Code habits in an instant. So good for you!

thanks for the advice everyone! I feel I need to have a real conversation with him and just cleanse myself of the resentment.. I dont expect to have a relationship with him. I just want closure and healing.

That is great. I wish you luck. There is one thing I think you should remember. Don't have any expectations. Let time tell. Don't expect from him and don't let him expect if you. Its going to be hard. I truly hope you find you peace with it. Good luck again. Nooch