I say you are correct where you say "I created this dance" because surely you learned it from your mother and then you taught it to your daughter, as that is the normal and natural process.

When you told your daughter to make her bed, then that was NOT a true boundary, it is over mothering your grown 27 year old married one child daughter.

Calling it as a boundary simply is not accurate - it is trying to control her.

Yes she needs to make her own bed - but as a grown adult then she has the option of not making her own bed, and it is possible that she might have planned to make the bed at a later time?

If the silent treatment by your daughter last a few months then I see that as nothing, as I have family members who have not spoken to each other for 20 and 30 years and are now planning to die without even inviting their old relatives to the funeral.

So, IMO, then yes you might break the silence, but I suggest that you break the silence by giving your daughter a nice and sincere apology for trying to control her, as making the bed was only a symptom of the bigger mothering issue of codependency.

http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Coping_with_Codependent_Parents.html

It is also called as "over fathering" for us male parents.

I think with silence, eventually she will contact you when she needs you or wants to talk with you. That's the beauty of continuing the silence until she breaks it.

Then you stay back a bit and don't get in there like before. Don't offer advice and stop the conversation and hang up or leave if she becomes abusive. You teach her that you won't stay for her abuse when she misbehaves.

Also, if she is living on her own, you don't set boundaries for her, but you don't do anything for her either. You don't give her money, you don't lend her the car, or pay for her lunch, or pay to do her hair or nails, or babysit or anything. YOU STOP DOING EVERYTHING FOR HER AND PAYING FOR EVERYTHING FOR HER. You back out and redefine the relationship you used to have. You make the relationship an adult relationship and not a parent/child relationship because she is an adult now. You will be showing her how an adult relationship really works and that as an adult she is now responsible for herself.

And it's time you joined some activities groups. Join a book club or join some card playing groups or join a group that discussed current events, or does art, photography or any number of activities. You need to occupy yourself so that your daughter is no longer the number one activity in your life. Good luck and many hugs.

Thank you. I woke this morning hoping for some guidance. I should add my daughter is married to a wonderful guy and and has a little girl. They are very independent and self sufficient.She is an at home mom and they both want her to remain so as they plan to have a large family. She is very neat and clean and when we visit her home she has no problem telling us her household guidelines which we respect. When she stays here for a few days it is because her husband is traveling. She gets angry with me when I request her to clean up after herself...but I think you are right in that this is not the real issue. I was
thinking the real issue is lack of communication skills...if I say I can't watch the dog or I would like her to clean up, she gets angry with me.
She plays the horrible mother card. She stops talking to me. I feel
abandoned by my own child, call, smooth it over and we are good to go till the next time. That's why I think I should wait...

I am embarking on the silent treatment with my 25 year old adult son. I am finally setting a limit on my financial support with him. IF he does not get a full time job or complete a training program he started he will be cut off. In the past he has gotten verbally and physically abusive with me when I say no to his financial demands. I am fed up with being a target for his outburst. I have now set it up that I will only have contact with him if he follows through on my demands of him. Otherwise I do not want to y.dialogue or negotiate with him about getting money.

This is what I consider taking care of myself.

I think, FB, that you are exercising a form of control over your son. I understand your wanting him to get a life and start taking care of himself. And he should. However, giving him ultimatums and trying to control him with the silent treatment is very codie behavior. Remember, we can't control others. Only ourselves. Perhaps instead of trying to control what he does, maybe give him a time frame to get his shit together because you will be cutting him off. That way it's his choice what to do with his life, but you don't have to bankroll him anymore. You will then be giving the control of his life over to him, where it should be anyway. It's a fine line to walk with young adult children. For many reasons they remain at home after most of us would have moved out in our day. In my own house, my adult daughter is still living at home because, after college, her internship didn't turn into the job she hoped she'd have, so now she's going back to school for another 2 years. It's a real struggle for me as I'm divorcing my husband and we are living on child support for 1 while there are 3 of us in the house, and my daughter is not contributing financially because she's saving up to pay for school. However, once she's done with school, if she remains at home, she will be expected to pay room and board. She is already responsible for her own car insurance - I graduated her into the total amount over a few years - asking her to add another $100 each year until she was paying all of it. She's a really hard worker, so I cut her some slack on the financial contribution aspect. However, I can see my son going the route of not having a job and languishing around the house with no clear idea of where he wants to go. With him I'm going to need to be a bit firmer. But I firmly believe that his life is his to decide what to do with; I just will not bankroll his laziness if it comes down to it. Good luck! I hope your son sees the light.

I agree with Cheryt, on pulling out of financial support completely and it does place the child/adult child in control of their own financial resources.

Green, my suggestion is that when your daughter's husband goes traveling, that you NOT have her over to your home. Any time she comes to your home she should follow your home rules just as she expects you to follow her home rules.

So I would not invite her over and let her stay at her own home for a while and see if she reaches a point of wanting to discuss it. If you two discuss it and she agrees to follow gules and then she comes to your home and won't clean up, pack her things and put them in her car and lead her and her kids to her car and say it was a short visit but have a good drive home.

If she won't follow your home rules, then out she goes.

Met with my codependent weekly group....they concur. If I want to call her, I will. Calling her or not calling her is not the issue..the issue is respecting our home when she visits. I will call....I will maintain my love for her....I am simply standing by the right I have to say no when I cannot do something and expect our home to be respected on her visits. FB...the silent treatment is very damaging. I can attest to that from the position of a daughter whose mother used it as a weapon of control. Thanks ATGB! I will walk her right out to her car....let her know I love her, and when she is ready to repect us, she is welcome to stay again. It's about consistency, firmness and love! Thank you all

Update...called her. She was very pleasant, kind and polite, yet distant. That is fine. This role reversal will take time, patience, but most importantly...love. I told her I missed her which was huge for me. In the past I wouldn't want to say that unless she said something of the same to me first....how absolutely ridiculous! SILENT TREATMENT is DAMAGING and does not display what love is. I love her...however, when she comes she will be respectful of our home....consistency with that. Thank you all and I can only hope that in some way I can be supportive to you as well!