Hi There! Finding out that you are codependent is not a death sentence. Although, it can be a shock to know that there is a name to the behavioral patterns you have been living by, that is causing a lot of distress and unhappiness in your life.

I felt something very similar when I learned that I was codependent, about 5 years ago. After I was told this, I wanted to do everything in my power not to BE this anymore.

Codependency is a coping mechanism and behavioral pattern that we often learned from childhood, observing our own parental dynamics. It's not our fault. Most codependents are doing things out of love, care, and concern in helping our partners who are suffering from addictions, mental health issues, and other hardships.

But our caring and our overcaring, doesn't ever fix them. It ends up enabling them, we get drained and our self worth plummets b/c we can't save them.

Recovery is all about setting new boundaries. Putting you and your needs first. Retraining behavioral patterns so your initial instinct isn't to fix or enable. It can be done, and you can definitely get back to place where your needs and wants are the priorities in your life.

You clearly have a desire to change. That desire is very important. Educate yourself, self analyze, make changes, journal.

You will fall into old patterns, and that's ok. Just keep trying and eventually things will fall into place.

Sending you light and love.

I already suggest the website esteemology.com (she writes about codependency) - amazing articles.

Thank you for your response.

I suppose I'm consumed with the idea that this might mean the end of my marriage, yet I know this is not the thing to be focusing on right now.

And thank you for the website too, it's incredible, there's so much great info here.

Hey Moe! That website is awesome. I learned so much from that website. More so than most other codependency books.

I think you are absolutely right. Don't focus on the end of your marriage. Think about it as "the beginning of you."

I feel that when I started to make healthy changes, setting boundaries, taking care of myself - others around me sensed the shift. That can definitely encourage or inspire them to make changes to their own lives (but you don't have to be concerned with that either).

Those that weren't able to accept or handle my new boundaries, they will electively go or put up a fight to keep the status quo.

Hi Moe....You are Right Where You Need To Be :::Right Now::::

Please stop calling yourself names and negative about the lack of knowledge....Now that you know more you can change in YOUR life what is ''''Within''' Your Control.

The Most Important Self Care road to recovery is by ONLY Focus on yourself....Do what You Need to do for your mental and physical wellbeing. Only Frustration will happen if you try to Make or Control what your husband does or does not do.

Baby Steps! Small reachable goals towards what you want to change within yourself.....the first steps in heath can be overwhelming if flooded with too much information and unrealistic ideas of the Five W's....who what why where and when to be accomplished as you've written it's been building up for 20 years!

Consider this as a Gift, hard to realize, from covid isolation, soul searching for a more purposeful and meaning full life style. Please continue to write, there are a good group of us here to support you as we can.

Another book I've had over 25 years is The Courage To Change...it's a daily message book which has helped me find freedom from codependency....you didn't get this over night and changing life long tendencies and behaviors and responses will be hard work.

The Program Works If You Work It!!! Take Good Care, and Good Luck moving forward with a new you and new life!

Thank you!!

Let go of that codependent need for perfection. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing what you didn't know. I am going to suggest Al Anon material. It is more aimed at alcoholics but I found it super helpful for me. My ex did alcohol and drugs, still does. I realized I felt shame and guilt about his behaviors, which like you, were okay to me in the beginning. It helps to understand ourselves but also to understand the dynamics of a relationship with a substance abuser. Like what happens in their mind when we rescue them. We think we are helping but they feel defeated and bad and self hate, according to Al Anon. Best wishes.