Codependency Support Group
Codependency is defined as someone who exhibits too much, and often inappropriate, caring for another person's struggles. A codependent person may try to change, or feel shame about their most private thoughts and feelings if they conflict with the other person's struggles. If you are on a journey towards self-love, this support group is for you. Join us and find others...
I'm getting so overwhelmed. I know that it is all my fault because I'm allowing issues to continue to bother me. Avoiding confrontation. I'm dealing with three issues at the moment.
1. When I was seeing a therapist, one issue I was having was with my mother complaining to me about my syblings. My therapist told to tell my mother to not talk about her problems to me. I couldn't do it. A recent trip together when I knew she getting ready to start. I explained to her what codependency is and what issues I have. I told her that I've always been this way and I couldn't stand it when there was conflict.
She didn't even pause, she went on and on about one of my siblings favoritism with her children. When they were young. (They are adults now) she even implied that one of the children's depression was related to it. I spent an hour defending my sibling. By the way, this is an issue that we've discussed several times over a 20 year span. I'm so angry. I tried to say ok we are not going to discuss this and changed the subject. But she continued. I'm so annoyed.
2. One of my good friends is very needy and has a victim mentality. She had cancer, she's in remission but still that's her focus because people give her the attention she wants. She has pulled guilt trips several times by using the cancer card. She said I was avoiding her three days after I visited her. I could go on and on.
So, My fiancé and I are eloping. I've been worrying because I know she's going to be hurt because she's not going to be invited. I know she doesn't have the right to. This is about us not her. But I just dread it because I know I'm going to get very angry and can't go off on her. I just let it build up inside.
3. I'm a manager and my employees don't respect me. Some bully me. I let some have there way because I know there will be confrontation.
I know what I have to do in all situations. I just need to vent because I'm having a meltdown at the moment.
I would go to CODA or alanon meetings and
go back to your therapist if you stopped. I Still
go to mine.
Changing ourselves and our behaviors is very hard
First it takes Retraining and reparenting ourselves
to learn Strong boundaries and plus much more. It
takes Time and can be daunting hence the suggestion
Of attending meetings. They truly make a world of
Difference.
I suggested to the last poster two books by dr henry
Cloud many like them, one is called "boundaries"and
the Other one, is "safe people"
There are no easy or quick fixes for us. I read back
Your other post. Dysfunctional families are interesting.
I had to put down real strong boundaries with my mother
If she wants a relationship she has to respect them.
HUGS
The problems in my family all boil down to the dysfunctional family system . Have my family seen the light and changed after everything I have discovered and have made them aware of , unfortunately no because we can't make other people see our reality and the truth we can only change ourselves and set boundaries . Your mum will probably continue and she has a right to her own reality, but you don't have to listen to it you can set boundaries in your relationships
What's helped for me also is finding out what my basic rights are as I was still acting out of my dysfunctional programming.
1. My mum has stopped doing the backstab thing (which trust me, she's doing about you to the other siblings too) when I would say "gosh, I don't know why A-- does this. I will ask her."
OH BOY does that work. :) That works faster than a speeding bullet. Then you need to contact said sibling, and ask them. Find out. And then go back to mum and say why.
You kids need to get together and present a united front on this, because she will backstab you to the others too. Trust me on this. She is doing it. They don't realise she's backstabbing on them. They all think they're the favourite child. This is how these kinds of mums play it and now that we're wise to it, we just don't let mum play that bullshit game for a second.
And there's no confrontation involved. You're just being helpful. If someone asked you a question about rainfall in africa and were arguing the toss what would you say? You'd say "I'll just find that out for you and get back to you". That's all you're doing. :D
2. The cancer card.
Sounds to me like you maybe have anxiety? unable to ride stress; too high stress levels so can't add any more stress in, end up caving and capitulating because you are all full up and can't add any more stress in.
So your choices are to review all other stress areas in life and ditch some other stress, or to make your bucket bigger. Because you have to learn to ride this level of stress.
Think about the stress you're riding. You're riding the terrifying, horrifying, overwhelming horror of... some moody chick having a mood.
Well good luck to her. Surely she's free to have moods? It's a free world. She's got nothing else, having that mood might be the making of her. And it's something for her to do. At home. Alone, uninvited to the wedding. Because she's such a manipulator.
Ride it. Just ride it. You don't have to speak. You don't have to say a word. If she blows her stack? Just walk away. Yes. You can do that. You don't have to say anything, that's the thing. If she gets angry you can simply remove yourself. If she calls, hang up. If she texts, delete the text. If she facebooks, just put her on ignore. You DON'T have to confront. I never confront. I simply remove myself. Let them yell at an empty space. You're not there. So go ahead and have your elopement. And let your tetchy friend have her feewings. Let her have her feewings and maybe gwow up a little bit.
3. The power of water.
Water breaks down rocks. It doesn't start wars. It doesn't blow up buildings. It keeps all things alive, and it destroys nations and builds nations - but it doesn't do anything sudden and it doesn't contain surprises. I think you will be surprised, when you are clear on things like your limits of power and your responsibilities, how easy it is to take an employee aside and just gently tell them the truth about the conditions of their employment.
Modern employment law is so soft and gentle nowadays anyway, that you do not have to be a hardass to get what is required out of people. this is because you can gently, lovingly, go through the process of the three written warnings (how can we make your performance better?) and leave them knowing exactly what is required. You can do this with positivity. You can do this gently. And if you are happy to do this, you will be loved. Absolutely loved. Who needs respect when they have love? Don't put yourself down for what you are not good at. Look at your strengths, identify their power, and use THEM. You will spend much less energy honing your superpower and making it work for you, than you will trying to make your failings the thing your life rests upon. Don't try to use your flaws to win. Use your strengths to win. Unleash your real abilities.